FanFiction and Life

Every Day Life

2009-10-02T15:32:00.001-07:00

I got home past eleven pm tonight. Tomorrow is a german holiday and I think people thought that the world was going to end over the weekend. Why do people do this? They trampled the store! Bought EVERYTHING. I swear the store was empty. Which means double work for me on Monday, by the way. *sighs*

Obviously I'm tired. But I started reading "Covet" this morning and I really want to see where JR Ward takes us in this book. It's really good. If I weren't so tired, I'd actually write an update of my own. Dear Diary is still waiting. Can't keep Kat drooling over Kyp's shoulder forever, now can I?

Otherwise things are quiet. I've been thinking about NanoWrimo but I still haven't come up with something decent to write. I'd like to stick with contemporary romance this year but being the writing perfectionist that I am, I want to spice it up with something. Question is, with what? The problem I have is that I do have enough ideas and some of these ideas are really good but they're huge ideas. HUGE. Which would mean research and I'm too lazy to do research. I could, of course, make things up along the way. Have the story play out in some unknown fantasy world. But that would end up epic, as I've seen with all the notes I've already scribbled down.

I wonder who the authors do it. How do authors stick with one idea? With one story? I admire this. And I think it's my biggest flaw when it comes to writing. I can't stick with it because I bore myself. If I bore myself, how the heck is the reader supposed to find it interesting?

That's where I think fanfiction comes in quite handy. It's a learning expierience.

I remember one time I wrote a little passage in which two characters were travelling from A to B. And obi commented about how it read as if they'd more or less teleported to B. I will never forget that. It's stuck with me ever since and ever since, I've taken great care not to repeat that mistake. Constructive criticism really isn't all that bad.

I received quite a compliment today. A customer came up to me and said I looked prettier every day. How nice is that? I was stunned into silence of course. I don't see myself as overly pretty. I'm an average looking girl, imo. Besides the skin color. You don't see a lot of mixed people around here. They're either really, really dark or Indian or Turkish but not like me. So I do make heads turn now and then but I still I was stunned. It was definately a very nice thing to day and no doubt I blushed.

I think the way you see yourself is always different than others see you. I might even be too strict with myself sometimes. I'm not skinny. Not anymore anyway. *sighs* Back before all the meds I could go shopping without having to sort through all the sizes just to find something that would fit. It's horrible! I couldn't even find a decent looking jacket because most the girls around here seem to be anorexic. But thank God htere's the internet and thank God there are tons of Goth sites out there. I want a simple black jacket. Easy, yes?

I suppose because of the weight I've gained, I don't feel as comfortable with myself as I used to. So when someone compliments me, my first thought is that they're lying or they don't mean me at all. How messed up is that?

I need to change my personal perception, seriously.

Off to reading my book.

Good night!

Official Indexer in the Beyond The Saga Forums

2009-10-01T01:21:00.000-07:00

I am no the Indexer for the Beyond Forums. LillyHobbitJedi stopped in August so I have a lot to catch up on. I already started last night and DANG there are a whole lot of new stories on the boards from August 8th until now. *sighs* I officially start today. Or rather tonight since it's still September 30th in most parts of the USA. October 1st over here already.

Ha! I live in the future.

I woke up this morning listening to the rain peltering on the ground. I don't like the smell of rain on asphalt though, so I got up and closed the window. Still it's cold inside. Brrr.

I have to work today. From two pm until ten pm tonight. Seven long hours sitting at the cas register and pretending to be happy and nice to customers. I hate having to do that, especially towards those customers you just want to pop upside the head.

I've come up with an idea for an Original Novel. I'll start in November once NanoWrimo gets going. I wonder if I can stick with it this year? Last year was easy. I only used snippets of all sorts of stuff and I didn't delete ANYTHING. Hence, I made the 50.000 words.

I think it was the dream of the guy without the eyes that made me come up with the idea. Contemporary Romance I suppose, unless I get carried away and I start writing in supernatural stuff. Which I'm sure is bound to happen so I have to put a leash on myself.

I got paid yesterday. So did my husband. It is awful to know that in about a week, we'll be broke again. I have so many bills to pay from five or six years ago. It's insane. I was young and stupid and basically put, now I have to face the consequences. But foremost my daughter needs a bed so the bills will have to wait another month.

I have to clean. My Mom will be over soon to watch my daughter. *sighs*
But Saturday's a holiday so yay!

Ceillean

2009-09-29T04:07:00.000-07:00

Yes, new music. I bought Breaking Benjamin's new album called "Dear Agony". Let's just say the Emo kids will love it.
I liked "Phobia" much better. It wasn't so dark and gloomy as the new album. The new songs are good too but it's nothing I could listen to 24/7, unlike the Phobia songs.

Still there are a few text passages that have already stuck with me and no doubt will appear in a story or two. ^^

I had a crazy dream last night. It's a recurring dream in which nothing happens besides a young man sitting beneath a tree in full bloom. It's a beautiful tree, and the man is gorgeous too. At least in the dream I think so. But he has no eyes. Which freaks me out. I've lost count how many times I've had this dream.

Oh wow! I completely lost it at work yesterday. And I shouldn't do that because I have a heart problem and once I've hit that point where I want to bust open some heads, my heart starts acting up. That was so not cool.

Anyway, I come to work and take a look at the schedule for this week. My stupid ass boss wanted me to work through the entire work and then up to ten hours a day.

Bluntly put: fuck that.

I think he doesn't care that I actually have a family. And it's always me. Always me and two other colleagues. What the hell?
So here I am in the office (my boss is on vacation of course. He's having fun in Greece), trying to contain all this built up anger because this has been going on for weeks. But then I reach this point when I have to cry.

When I'm really really pissed, I can't help the tears. When I stop crying -- take cover, seriously.

I did get a day off though. But still it's messed up. I do have a private life as well and I am not married to the damned store.
I was so pissed! And then I come home and I remembered i'd forgotten my meds and obviously I feel like my heart is spasming.

*sighs* So I'm taking it easy today. I was hoping to go get my hair cut again. Way too long.
And my book should be arriving today. I ordered "Covet -- A novel of the fallen angels" by J.R. Ward. I adore all her books. I mean black leather clad Vampires in biker boots? With an attitude? What's not to like? LOL

This is a new series though. She's a great and funny writer so I'm pretty sure the new book will be good too. Although I'm really looking forward to the next installment of the Black Dagger Brotherhood. She left us fans hanging in midair with the last book, seriously.

A Place Of Death

2009-09-27T12:00:00.001-07:00

The desert is a place of death.

The sun burns the skin while the wind picks up grains of sand that inflict more pain. Thirst is the worst of all ailments. Finding water on the planet Idria is nearly impossible. As is finding hope to ever depart the world that had once flourished with yellow grass and tall trees, that had once been a metropolis of busy streets and alleys, crowded spaceports and markets. Idria had been splendor and magnificence, enchantment and beauty – until they set foot upon the land.

Until the Empire had sent out their legions of white armored murderers to clean Idria’s surface of aliens and humans alike. Only few survived the first wave of the attack and only few ever dared to fight back. No one had come to help.

Whatever for?

Idria is an unknown planet in the far reaches of space. There is nothing important, nothing special – besides three young lives perhaps.

Idria.

A desert.

A place of death.

+++

A ball of white hot flame engulfed the young Idrians as they ran for their lives. Just not fast enough. Within seconds their pale golden skin blistered along their long bones, melting into a thick mold of indistinguishable biological mass. The scent of singed hair and cooked flesh permeated the air. Cries were drowned out by the deafening roar of the explosion behind them.

What had once been an underground weapons cache was now nothing more than yet another hole in the ground.

Bodies flayed as they were hurled through the air by the shockwave. With sickening crunches and painful thuds, they landed on the desert floor in a heap of limbs. Out of the group of six, two survived.

It took several long moments for Natal to get her bearings. The bright purple sky above her hurt her violet eyes but she didn’t have the strength to turn away. Moving hurt.

“We have to hurry.” Tusir’s distorted voice sounded odd along with the ringing in her ears. Of course, Natal knew that he was right. The strike team had effectively eradicated the weapons cache but they still had a job to do. But getting to her feet would force her to face the carnage. Already she could smell the blood, the gore mixing with the warm sand.

Her stomach heaved while she let the faces of her friends pass through her mind. They were all dead, their lifeless bodies broken and scattered all around her. Natal turned onto her side and emptied her stomach, crying milky tears for those who had died for a cause that had already been lost from the beginning.

“If we find the Essence user, he will help us.”

“You believe so fiercely, Tusir.” Natal hissed between clenched teeth while she wiped her mouth with her sleeve. “Blind faith will ultimately get you killed.”

“I hope –“

“There is no such thing as hope!” She snapped, her voice dripping with purest venom while she stared at him and shook her head, black feathery hair falling to her shoulders. At least, what was left of it.

“They will have died in vain if we give up now. The white armored men will not hunt us while they try and save their precious weapons.”

Natal nodded slowly, feeling lightheaded as the scene before her finally settled in.

Death. All around them.

“Let’s go.” Without so much as a backward glance, Natal got to her feet and began walking a straight line, ignoring the pain in her arms and legs, the stinging of her charred flesh, the smell of scorched clothing. She dared not look back for fear of wanting to be with her friends, of wanting to embrace death rather than fight for her homeworld the way the revolutionists had taught her.

But it was hard. With every step she took, she felt like a traitor to her people.

They had died.

She had lived.

The desert was a place of death.

+++

The prison cell, if one could actually call it such, smelled dank and musky. It might have been used as an old shed back when the Idrians had grown as a community. In the dim light, the Jedi recognized wooden shelves along the walls, some still stacked with cans of food and bottled water. Although, going by the thick carpet of grey dust covering each surface, he supposed no one had really ventured into the shed for several years.

Not until he had stumbled onto the surface purely by accident. On his way home from a mission gone awry, his ship had developed a slight glitch, forcing him to land on the desert world. He had estimated a day or two for repairs and hadn’t expected white armored Stormtroopers to appear out of seemingly nowhere, leveling odd-looking blasters in his direction. More than a dozen had surrounded his ship and realizing he had nowhere to go, he had not resisted when they had taken him away in utter silence.

He’d counted seventy-eight days so far.

Seventy-eight days in which he had been certain his friends would find and rescue him, sixty-one days in which he had hoped that the search was still ongoing; forty-three days in which he had been tortured and asked questions he could not begin to answer. Twenty-eight days in which his hope had slowly dwindled. Ten days in which he knew his time was up.

The entrance to his prison opened with a loud creak, spilling purple light into the enclosed space from above. Sand pooled down through cracks from the wooden trapdoor as it was pulled upward and with an all too familiar thundering thump, it was laid aside before booted feet came down a flight of old stairs.

The Jedi drew on the Force to calm himself. In the beginning he had fought off the Stormtroopers, had undid the binds holding his wrists and ankles tied in place to an old wooden chair and on occasion he had made it to the surface. Only to be caught and dragged back. The punishment had been worse than he could have ever imagined.

Being a Jedi, being able to use the Force – it got him absolutely no where.

Pain was his constant companion now. Pain and more than dozen faceless soldiers he had thought all but extinct.

One man came to him every day. It seemed he was the commanding officer and as such it seemed he had privileges the others did not. He did not wear the armor, nor the mask.

He wore a hideous face of an old human male.

“Ready to talk?” He grumbled, his voice deep and scratchy.

The Jedi merely smiled. On the forty-first day of his incarceration, he had realized that talking, answering questions was equal to staying silent. The outcome was always the same.

At one point, the Jedi had hoped for a quick death. He hadn’t expected medications, certain drugs to help him regain consciousness; drugs to make him hallucinate and babble incoherently while he saw scenes from his nightmares play out in front of him.

They had broken him.

“I will let you go, if you talk.”

The Jedi shifted his gaze towards the tall man who stood flanked by three armored guards, two beside him and one at his back. He’d never suggested letting him go.

Never.

Which meant it was a trick.

The Force had always been his ally. The Force had forsaken him. He was completely alone, trapped beneath the hot desert floor, waiting for peace to find him.

The Jedi smiled. And yet he spoke nothing.

“Don’t you want to leave? Take back your ship and return to your own life? I’m giving you that chance.”

There was no doubt in the Jedi’s mind that the man was lying. There was no need for being truthful. All he wanted were answers he could not possibly give. Questions about the Empire, the fall of the Empire, the Remnant – he was far too young. At twenty-seven, the Imperial Era was ancient History to him.

Minutes ticked by while the Jedi closed his eyes and prayed to the Force that his soul would rise to become one with the essence of life once his body lost all its functions.

“One more chance. Tell me what I want to know and you’re free.”

The Jedi threw his head back and laughed. The tall human male balled his hand into a tight fist and shattered the Jedi’s nose.

Still he laughed.

He finally understood.

The desert was a place of death.

+++

“Do you see it?”

Natal crouched behind a great boulder, holding magnifying lenses in her hands. “Four guards.”

“Four?” Tusir whispered incredulously. “We can’t take on four guards at once.”

“We’ve dealt with worse odds. We can do this, Tusir.” She paused while the wind whipped around them, singing the song of a crying planet. Her tears fell during the night as she wept for her slaughtered children, her screams echoed through the air when it rained and thundered. Idria wept. “Either way, we have nothing more to lose.”

Natal set the magnifying lenses aside and laid a hand on Tusir’s arm. “We have lost everything in this war. You’ve lost your family as have I. We have one chance to save the Essence user while we make sure the armored men never again breathe a single breath of our sweet air.”

Tusir closed his beautiful turquoise eyes and nodded once. “If we die –“

“We won’t, Tusir. Have faith that the Goddess protects us and our cause.”

He took a deep breath and forced a smile onto his pale, golden face. Perhaps, if things had gone differently, Tusir might have become a scholar. He loved to read and to learn, he loved history and asking questions. He wasn’t a fighter, unlike Natal and it saddened her that he had been dragged into this like the rest of their people – dragged into a war started by a species they had never even heard of before. “I would have loved to study these humans.” Tusir muttered.

“Perhaps you still can.” Natal took a deep breath and squeezed his arm briefly. “Let us hurry.”

They closed their eyes and spoke a quick prayer to their Goddess before unhooking their own weapons from their belts and stepping around the boulder.

In plain sight of the white armored murderers, they began firing yellow shots at those that would see them harmed.

After all, the desert was a place of death.

+++

The taste of blood is nauseating. The sound of breaking bones equally so. The knowledge that rescue is no longer an option is flooring.

The Jedi coughed and squeezed his eyes closed. He had no choice but to listen to his assailants muttered curses while he beat him.

“How stupid are you, boy?” The man snarled, throwing yet another punch to the Jedi’s gut. “I gave you a chance!” Another punch. And another. And another.

Yet in between the sound of fist against skin, there was the distinct hum of blaster fire from above. The Jedi smiled a toothy, bloody smile and again he laughed. Perhaps not all was lost. Perhaps his rescue had finally come.

Rescue after seventy-eight days.

Could he dare hope?

“Take a look what’s going on up there.” The male said in a dark, sinister voice while he glanced over his shoulder and spoke to his guards. He grew quiet, pensive almost, while they ascended the stairs. Quietness reigned for a long moment and then more blaster fire. The human male growled obscenities under his breath and grabbing his blaster, he turned around and walked up the steps that would lead to freedom.

The Jedi slumped in the chair and closed his eyes. Hope truly prolonged the suffering of man. He had thought he’d given up but hearing blaster fire up above… it opened a valve within him and the urge to die drifted away.

He wanted to live.

He heard a menacing scream, like a warrior’s call followed by an ugly gurgling sound that told him everything he needed to know. Silence reigned for a very long time. Unending and daunting.

The soft fall of footsteps made the Jedi raise his battered face to the purple light. Where once had stood a Stormtrooper with a rifle pointed at his chest, now stood a beautiful native of the planet Idria. Her golden face was expressionless, her slanted violet eyes hard with mistrust and hurt. She was tall even for her species, long and gangly yet strong.

“Tusir!” She whispered in her native tongue. “He’s alive.”

He could not put into words how grateful, how indebted he felt to these people.

The woman hurried to his side and undid his binds in hectic, yet graceful motions. The man behind her beckoned for them to hurry and so she did. She wound an arm around his waist and carried him out of the shed, out of his prison, up the wooden stairs and towards freedom, into an unknown future.

Perhaps the desert was not only a place of death.

Perhaps the desert was indeed a place of hope.

Involuntarily Uncooperative

2009-09-27T11:58:00.000-07:00

“You call it madness”, Jag shrugged, “but I call it love.”

And I swear by the Force I could see little pink hearts popping out of the man’s eyes. Everyone had known about Jag and Jaina besides Jag and Jaina. You could have thrown a ten pound brick at their heads with inscribed words YOU’RE IN LOVE and they wouldn’t have grasped it.

Talk about dense.

Jag and I sat together in the Southern Underground, a bar/café/funhouse (call it what you will) in the seedier parts of Coruscant-down-below. A motley crew of thugs, smugglers, drug dealers, you name it came here to lay low for a while, enjoy the view and all that and while at it, drink their minds into oblivion. The place had the best ale credits could buy.

It was a hive of busyness, which was one of the main reasons we came down here in the first place. Too many people, too many different faces – no one paid attention. Here you could put your feet up and enjoy your drink like any other average being. No one would come up to pester you, ask you questions, demand answers.

Here you were normal.

People like us, we don’t get normal very often.

But in between all the crap we have to take, we do have to deal with normal problems once in a while.
Jag, for instance. A drunk fool in love.

There was no way in the nine Corellian hells that I could drink Jaggy-boy under the table. So while he sat staring into his ale with a big fat grin on his face, I knew he was getting to that certain stage where walking out of the bar on his own was going to be a problem.

And me? I could barely sit up straight. But even down here I told myself I had a reputation to uphold. I was not going to fall off my chair. The good thing was that no one would give a damn if I did but my ego wouldn’t like that, now would it?
I gripped the table to steady the moving room around me. Until the waitress returned with another round – courtesy of Jag Fel in that lovey-dovey mood of his.

The waitress was a looker, I have to admit. She swayed those hips back and forth, smiled and batted her eyelashes, flung her long blond hair over her shoulder. Which male in his right mind would not take a good hard look at such a beautiful woman?
The answer?

Jag Fel in love. He kept staring into his ale as if answers to all questions of the universe lay right there, just a swallow away.
“She’s perfect, you know.” He called over the music, leaning forward so I could hear him better. I really couldn’t understand a word but it didn’t much matter. Not only could I read his lips but he kept repeating himself over and over again. I lost count how many times I had to listen to how perfect Jaina Solo was.

“Yeah, I know. You’ve told me ten times already.”

He glanced up, his eyes almost black in the dimly lit club. “Your speech is impaired.”

Can you believe it? Even in a drunken state, the man still uses big words!

I rolled my eyes. “Shut up, you mad man.”

“Mad?”

“All men in love are mad.”

“What about women?”

I took a gulp of my ale and chuckled. “They’re always mad.”

I have to admit I was rather glad my significant other wasn’t anywhere in the vicinity. So you see, I do know what Jag was going through. I am older than he is and therefore much wiser – the man should listen to my words.

He doesn’t though. Much too stubborn for that, which is a good thing actually. I tend to have reckless ideas at times. Understating the fact, really but who cares?

The waitress came by a second time and brought us another round on the house. Jag drained his glass, I nipped at mine feeling sick to my stomach. I knew this night wasn’t going to be kind to me and I had promised Jaina to bring Jag home safely.

How, I ask you?

How?

It looked like it was going to be the other way around. There was an intimate revolt going on in my innards – I swear a war broke loose. The food was discussing with the alcohol: should we stay or should we go?

Jag decided that we leave the moment I knew that if I moved, I’d throw up halfway across the table. I closed my eyes and took care while shaking my head. I didn’t even need to say anything – Jag sat back and laughed at me. Then the idiot punched me in the arm.
“You don’t look too well.”

“Shut up.”

“Do I need to drag your sorry butt home?”

Isn’t it unfair? Here sits Jagged Fel, having drunk double the amount I had – it wouldn’t have surprised me if it had been half the damned bar – and he spoke clearly, he sat straight and he grinned at me.

At that moment, I hated him.

“Leave me alone.”

The urge to sleep overcame me then. I couldn’t help it. My muscles went slack, my head felt ten times heavier than usual – I remember a thud and then I was out.

Can you believe it? I passed out on the kriffing table.

***

I wandered back into the land of the living hearing voices all around me. Some whispered, some spoke loudly, others laughed and some yelled at each other and all this in a multitude of different languages. I tried opening my eyes but that was harder than expected.

My body wasn’t obeying. Not really.

I managed to breathe.

Good, yes?

After what seemed like a lifetime of listening to these odd sounding voices, I realized I wasn’t standing.

See, using the Force while drunk out of your mind doesn’t work. To all those people out there who consider us Jedi to be almighty and unbeatable – it’s not true. Just lies being fed to make us seem perfect.

Well, to hell with that.

Perfect is something else all together.

A soft bed and silence – now that’s perfect.

I felt a slithering of dull pain in my right shoulder. It felt like it’d grown a pair of feet and now walked around my arm and right into my wrist. That’s when I used all the strength I still possessed in my state of utter drunkenness and ripped my eyes open.

I groaned when I realized where all the voices came from. Jag had dragged my sorry butt onto a public transport back topside. People didn’t pay too much attention – there were a few teens who pointed at us and one of the girls waved. I couldn’t help the stupid grin on my face then – or the drool collecting at the side of my mouth.

“I see you’re awake.” I heard Jag’s amused voice.

My arm was slung over his shoulder and since he’d literally dragged me all the way, that’s why my arm hurt. And this little fact made me think about my boots. I paid a fortune for these things and silently, I swore to Jag I’d kick him in the butt if my boots had a single scratch.

“And you’re heavy. Can I drop you now?”

It took a long while for me to process what Jag was saying. Drop me? That didn’t sound good at all. Too late did I realize that he’d already let me go. I found myself sprawled on the floor of the transport, with people staring and pointing.

Yeah, we were definitely on our way back top-side.

Coruscant-upper-levels don’t know how to have fun.

A small glint of satisfaction glistened in my eyes, though. Jag swayed on his legs, even if only a little. He held on to a pole with one hand, looking down at me. I lay on my back with my hands on my belly, grinning like the idiot I can be all too often.

“This view doesn’t do you credit, sweetheart.” I drawled and laughed. I could hardly recognize my voice. Dark and scratchy.
Don’t chicks dig the dark and scratchy, though?

The thought made me grin again.

I felt the tip of Jag’s boot dig into my side. “Get up, old man.”

I managed to sit up. But I didn’t really have a choice in the matter. I had to get up because the transport arrived at our stop. I looked through the windows, recognizing tall spires and buildings – you could even see the Jedi temple from this altitude.
Beautiful, stupid, annoying Jedi temple.

Nowhere near my home.

“Where are we?” I asked with a frown.

“On our way home. Up with you.” He about yanked my arm out of my socket, I swear.

“Do you get kicks out of almost breaking my arm?”

Jag’s lips curved into a grin. “The great Kyp Durron is worried I could break his arm?”

I tore away from him, stubborn to the last. Screw him, I could go on without his help. I didn’t want or need his help in the first place.

So I stood on wobbly legs. The doors opened when the transport set down on the landing pad. I walked out, breathed in cool night air.

I took a step out.

And then tripped over my feet and fell flat on my face.

Wonderful.

***

I scratched my left cheek. It burned like a [insert various curse words here].

At least I was back on my feet, glaring at Jag because he laughed at me. He does that a lot when he’s drunk.
So anyway, we were on our way to his place. And all I wanted to do was go home because my bed was calling for me and I yearned for it. But Jag wasn’t having any of it.

“I’ll have you picked up.” He said but at the time I wasn’t listening. I was concentrating on not tripping or falling. I did my best to seem like an average human being on a night out. I think I was doing too much, though.

Jag did a double take, then frowned. “Wipe that idiotic grin off your face, Durron. You’re scaring people.”

Maybe he was right.

I did not wipe the grin off my face. I made it worse.

It got me into a good mood, that should count for something.

I realized that we were only a few minutes away from Jaina’s private domain. Nothing fancy, just a small remote apartment near the Jedi temple. On a normal day, we would have been there in under five minutes but this day wasn’t normal at all.

My stomach heaved. I stopped in my tracks, counted backwards from ten and calmed myself. Force, I felt sick. It made me vow never to go drinking with Jag again. But I’ve said this before and what did I do? I went out drinking with Jag.

From a certain point of view, it’s all his fault really. It was his suggestion, he wanted out for a while. So did I but that’s beside the point.

Jag grabbed my arm and pulled me forward. I started to whine like a kriffing baby.

I’m not embarrassed. Uh-uh. Nope.

Maybe a little.

What a picture the two of us must have made. We were dressed casually, so recognizing us (unshaved and disheveled, smelly no doubt) wasn’t going to be a big deal. Hopefully. Still, the short man dragging me along because I felt like crap – hopefully no one had a holocamera on us.

The press would have field day.

When we finally made it to the building in question, some eighty stories high, I slumped with relief. My legs wouldn’t have carried me much further anyway. Jag opened the front door of the building and I glanced down the hall.

I would have to walk the entire distance to the turbo lifts.

That was definitely going to be a real mission for me, let me tell you. Because in between the stomach flip flopping around, my head buzzing and my legs feeling like jelly, the whole walking thing was going to be a problem.

And I had promised Jaina to get Jag home safely?!

What the heck had I been thinking?

As if from far away, as in really far away, I heard Jag say something about someone picking me up again. Even though my brain was all fuzzy, there was only one person Jag could call to pick me up. And she’d make fun of me until my dying day. My significant
other.

My Liz.

Force help me.

***

Eventually, we actually made it to the apartment. There was a lot of yelling, dragging and I do believe kicking involved. On Jag’s part. I was involuntarily uncooperative.

I wasn’t feeling well at all. It was like falling into this big black hole and inventing new curse words as I went.
Bluntly put, I felt like shavit.

And here was Jag still standing, his normal quiet self. I invented curse words for him, too.
He’d gotten me back onto my feet when we reached Jaina’s front door. She stood with raised brows and one hand perched on her hip, smiling a little. I tried to wave.

It didn’t really work out too well. I actually tried to say hello, too.
I think that did work, though.

“Hey, Kyp. You look like hell.”

“I feel like hell, too.” I answered when Jag dropped me – again! I lay behind the sofa, in a heap of nausea and the smell of alcohol. I wanted to sleep. Sleep sounded insanely good.

I closed my eyes and wished I hadn’t. Even then, everything started to spin. My stomach revolted again so I forced myself into a sitting position, pulling my knees to my chest and laying my head atop my knees. I sat there for a long while.
A very long while.

I heard Jag and Jaina smootching. That was odd, to say the least. They whispered and laughed, giggled.
Dammit, he should have been even more wasted than I was!

The bastard.

“You okay?” Jaina knelt before me with a glass of water in her hand.

“Do I look okay?” I asked in that scratchy voice again.

“No. But you smell worse. Drink?”

I shook my head and closed my eyes. Drinking or eating didn’t sound good at this point.

Not good at all.

How much time passed? I have no idea. I heard the holonet running in the background. A news coverage, I believe. Jag was talking in hushed tones, on his comlink. Jaina was in the kitchen. She brought a damp cloth and smashed it into my face.

Sweet Jaina. Gotta love her.

“You know, you don’t have to stay on the floor.” She said and I detected real worry in her voice. It warmed me, to tell the truth.
“Moving is not good.” I breathed. I started to hiccup and that was a very bad sign. “I think I need to use the fresher.”
Even through my personal hazy hell, I saw Jaina grin.

It was like she and Jag were in this together, I swear! A conspiracy theory!

Distantly, I heard the door chime. I debated whether or not to get up and drag myself to the fresher. It might have been a good idea because my dinner from earlier didn’t want to stay put.

I squeezed my eyes shut, took deep breaths and just counted. To distract myself, I suppose. And then I felt cool hands grasping mine and I looked up.

I smiled. “Hi, Beautiful.” I whispered.

The smile Liz shot me would have knocked me off my feet, had I not already been sitting on my butt. She cleared her throat and shot me a typical Liz look. The one that told me she was doing her best not to giggle or some such.

“Hey there, Handsome.”

“Not so much.”

“I think we should get you home.”

I nodded then shook my head. “I don’t wanna move.”

“You’re going to have to.”

“I’ll stay right here. On the floor.”

“The couch is more comfortable.” I heard Jag. I looked up and there he was, leaning over the couch and smiling down at me. I wanted to punch him.

So. Un-kriffing-fair.

They talked some more. I wasn’t listening. I was losing the fight with my stomach.

I grabbed Liz’ hands and squeezed. “You love me, right?” I asked, trying to smile, hoping my smile didn’t look like something out of a horror flick.

“Of course.” She said, her brow crinkled.

“Whatever happens, you’ll still love me, right?”

She narrowed chocolate brown eyes. “Don’t you even dare thi—“

Too late.

As I said, I lost the fight with my stomach.

Sorry sweetheart.

The Secret

2009-01-16T15:41:00.000-08:00

I burn inside. My skin is aflame from the hurt I carry in my heart. The need to do something about this never-ending pain is so great that I am paralyzed, confused as to what I can do to end all this.

I am torn.

I am alone.

I am held within the tender blanket of a beautiful secret. It holds me close and keeps me warm and yet coldness seeps through the seams and into my very bones. I shiver and I close my eyes, wishing the darkness would grasp me and put an end to my misery.

For I fear there is no other way for the agony to pass…

There was a time when I enjoyed my life. I laughed, I cried, I yelled in anger and leapt for joy.

I am the daughter of an average farmer. I am nothing special.

I am just me. I am not tall and I am not of slender built. I am not beautiful, not in the grand sense, as some perceive.

I am smart.

I am foolish.

The secret begins many moons ago. I hear a pained groan from our shed, where my father keeps his machines for the farm. It is so small; I have to kneel to open the door. Moonlight pools around my feet as I step aside and peer into the shed. I am expecting an animal but what I see astounds me.

It is a human man and he is badly wounded. I see blood on his face, on his arms and hands. In the near complete darkness, I see his fingers are burned; his nails are a dirty russet color. A few nails are missing.

His lip is split. Drops of blood run down his chin. His eyes are swollen, his face bruised beyond recognition.

His hair is matted with his own blood and dirt. He is shaking. I feel his fear and I feel his pain.

“Dear Gods.” I whisper as I inch closer. He shies away from me, afraid for his life. My heart reaches out to this poor thing. Who could ever do something like this? It is beyond me.

“I wish to help you.” I whisper softly and I smile. “Please. You will die if you do not let me tend your wounds.”

He says nothing. I do not know if he is able to speak. His breathing is labored, his hands shake uncontrollably. I drop to my knees and I reach for him. The cold around me bites into my skin, the hard dirt underneath my knees scratches but I ignore it.

He is the important one and he needs my help.

“Please. I cannot bear the thought of you dying. Let me help you.”

He is young. Perhaps a little older than I and it hurts me to see him this way. “I will not hurt you. You are safe.”

There is a slight moan and then a gasp. I realize that he is sobbing, crying because of the pain. And I feel that he is not accustomed to kindness and he cries because he feels he can trust me.

I reach out my hand and after a very long while, he finally grasps it. I help him out of the shed and he leans into me, while I help him to the house.

To his haven.

To safety.

To the beginning of a secret.

It takes a full moon cycle for him to recover. I bathe him, I feed him and I talk to him. My father is not happy that I have brought a stranger into the house but I do not care. It feels right.

I watch the stranger sleep. I wish that he would open his eyes and tell me his name. But he is forever quiet.

He wakes up from nightmares. He shakes and quivers, he is afraid. His eyes are wide with fright when he wakes up. I never leave his side while he lies in my bed. I tend to him as best I can because…

…it feels right.

I read from old children’s books to soothe him. I realize that he relaxes when he hears my voice. It thrills me that I can help him with such simplicity.

It is the story of a lost young boy trying to find his family that seems to rattle him from his stupor. He turns his head and his blue eyes are…old.
“Stop.” He breathes and I am startled for he has so far not spoken to me.

I lay the tattered book aside and kneel by the bed. “You are awake.”

“Do not read that story to me again.” He says harshly, his jaw set firmly. I am at a loss for words.

The story hurts him I realize. He never tells me why.

Two days pass in which he will not eat. He will not speak. He is sleeping and yet I feel that he is awake. I talk to him and I read to him but never again the story about the boy trying to find his family.

His wounds are completely healed. The bruises are gone, his nails are growing and his skin is healthy. He seems healthy.

He is ill.

Ill at heart.

“Thank you.”

I glance up from my book and I smile. He is awake yet he stares at the ceiling, refusing to meet my eyes. “You are welcome.”

“Why?”

I am surprised by his question. I put the book aside and draw my knees to my chest. He is beautiful. Any woman would want him. His hair is as blond as the sun is golden, his eyes as blue as a vast ocean and he has the body of a warrior, a fighter.

I am nothing compared to him. I feel ashamed.

A farmer’s daughter has no business being near the likes of such beauty.

“I do not understand your inquiry.” I whisper, turning my gaze away.

He sits up and I look at him from the corner of my eye. Golden strands touch his broad shoulders. There is no warmth in his face. There is no happiness.

There are no emotions at all.

He seems like a programmed droid. Just a hull of a human being.

“Why did you help me?”

I shift my eyes to the floor at my feet. “Because you were hurt. You were bleeding badly. I thought you might die.”

“Why did you not leave me to die?”

I am surprised by his words and surprised by the harshness of his tone.

“I could not.” I lift my head and I stare at him, my vision blurry because of an onslaught of tears I cannot hold back.

Silence.

All I hear for a very long time is our breathing and the echo of my heart.

Silence.

He slides off the bed and kneels before me. I am shocked and I cannot speak. He grasps both my hands and suddenly leans forward and kisses each of my knuckles in succession. “I thank you for granting me a second chance to live.” He whispers against my skin, his warm lips brushing along my fingers.

I am stunned.

I am not worthy.

I pull my hands away. “You are welcome.” I whisper, avoiding his eyes.

He reaches up and touches my face, his fingers trembling. I am confused. He is a force of nature, a powerful male and yet he trembles and shakes.

“Never avert your gaze with me.” He whispers suddenly. I stare at him, shivering from the look in his eyes.

Hope.

Despair.

Desire.

Longing.

“What is your name?” I ask him slowly. He pulls away from me and gets to his feet in a single fluid movement.

“I have no name. I am no one.”

Another moon cycle passes and he talks only when he needs to. He helps on the farm and my father is pleased with his work.

I am intrigued by him and intimidated at the same time.

He has yet to tell me his name.

I see him watching me sometimes. When I work in the field with the droids, I feel he is watching me.

I like when he watches me.

No one else sees me at all.

“Ianus.”

I turn around swiftly, startled by the voice behind me. The night is cool as I stand outside with a thick shawl around my shoulders, breathing in the cold air.

He stands at the door of the house, wearing my father’s old clothes. They barely fit him for he is tall and broad.

“I beg your pardon?”

“My name. I am called Ianus.”

I am speechless. After two moons, he has finally told me his name.

Ianus.

A beautiful name.

For a beautiful man.

The fire burns brightly, flickers in red and orange colors. I sit before it and warm my hands. My father is out for the night and only Ianus is there to keep me company.

He does not speak. He hardly ever does.

I sit and I read until the shuffling of his feet surprise me. He sits down in front of the fireplace to my side. “Read to me.” He says softly.

“What would you like to hear?”

“What are you reading?”

“A story about forgiveness.”

Ianus turns his head and closes his eyes. “Read to me.”

Hours pass while I read. I feel his presence near me; I feel his warmth even through the crackling flames in the fireplace.

I feel nervous. My voice falters while I read. The words blur and I must stop.

I look up from my book and stare into the flames. Dangerous, life threatening and yet the giver of life.

“How were you hurt?” I ask into the darkness. I feel Ianus stiffen. Minutes pass without a word. He does not answer.

I read to him.

“I must leave soon.”

His words shatter my world. I can only nod because words fail me. I do not want him to leave for I have come to care for him.

I am not worthy.

“I will see that you have clothing and food for your journey.” I want to pass him but he grabs my arm and turns me around.

His gaze is chilling. Cold.

“I do not know how to thank you.”

“Do not.”

He will not let me go. Ianus simply stares and then he smiles and my world tips to the side.

He is beyond beautiful and he is leaving.

“You saved my life.” Ianus whispers and he touches my hair, coiling strands around his long fingers. “I was badly injured and you cared for me. You fed and bathed me. You let me stay in your home. And you do not want anything in return?”

“How were you hurt?” I want to know the truth.

That is all I want in return.

Ianus sighs, lets go of my arm. I wish he had not. I like his touch, the warmth and the gentleness.

“I am a Jedi Knight.” He says and I gasp. I had never suspected! He is one of the legendary warriors, a fighter for peace, honor and freedom. A wielder of the magic power they call The Force.

I am truly unworthy.

I avert my gaze but his harsh hiss makes me look up. “Never turn your eyes away like that.” He says and I frown.

“You are a Jedi. I am nothing. It is not in my place to look upon you.” I stare at the floor.

His fingers lift up my chin and he smiles. “You are everything.” He whispers. “You are a life saver. You are generous. You are loving and caring. You are a worthy woman and any man should be lucky to have you.”

I want Ianus.

Does he want me?

“How were you hurt, Ianus?”

He swallows but he does not step back. He strokes my cheek and inclines his head, golden curls falling over his shoulder. “I was hurt on a mission. My friends died. I was captured and tortured for information. I was freed by a friend and I escaped.”

“Your friend did not?”

“He was killed.”

I nod. “And now you must leave to be with your kind again.”

“I must leave because it is my calling.”

He does not move as he speaks. He stares at me and I hold my breath as he comes closer. Ianus kisses me and I melt.

No man has ever touched me. For I am not beautiful.

I am nothing.

I am…me.

He stays one more night. My Jedi Knight stays with me for one night before he must leave. His memory will haunt me for the rest of my life. He is perfection and I am the opposite.

His good-bye to me is not hasty and I feel that he is saddened. Ianus’ eyes are glazed while he whispers words in such a beautiful language; they bring tears to my eyes. I have never before heard anything as beautiful.

I do not want him to leave.

He is my secret and I want to keep him.

His life awaits him. The life I have given him.

“Good-bye.” Ianus whispers before he turns away from me and walks down the path of his destiny.

My secret. Our secret.

It grows within me.

I would never see Ianus again.

What's doing?

2009-01-16T15:39:00.000-08:00

Nothing. Same shit, different day. Ring a bell?

I still have a damned cold. Or, better yet, I can't get rid of this friggin cough. This has been going on for two months. Cold -- getting better -- getting sick again -- getting a bacterial infections -- another cold and now it's a cough.

Yay. Don't I feel peachy?

I wrote my very first book. Can't do anything with it but at least I have my first book standing on my shelf.

I am completely and utterly proud of myself. Only problem is the story sucks big time. But I can always re-write, which I won't because it's fanfic anway.
I've started on the second part which is WAY better.

But since I now know that I am capable of actually finishing a story, I think I might just try and come up with something on my own. Which is harder than you'd expect because you don't want to steal from the authors you love. You want it to be your own. So I have to do a whole lot of research. Because I won't be satisfied with a normal, typical, cute lovestory. I need something more. Something fantastically dark . I'd love to include fangs but hey -- too many books out there right now.

But I will definately invent one hell of a hawt guy. Betcha ass on it.

Today I realized that I feel like going out again. To an average club with average music. No ska or punk stuff, no goth or metal or alternative rock. Just every day normal kiddie music. Pop shit.
I really feel like doing that some time. I just need to find someone to go with me. And bring along a camera. You never know if eye-candy is out there or not, right?

I tortured myself at the gym today. Exquisite pain. Sounds sick, I know but it feels good, especially if you've been locked in the house for weeks. I feel so much better after the gym. Just a little tired. I'll be going back tomorrow, again.
I have to get used to it, after doing nothing for three months.

Anyway -- I'm headed to bed.
Night all.

Almost done!

2008-12-26T05:07:00.000-08:00

Two or three more posts and I am done with my story. How friggin cool is that? I've never written anything in this length before and even though it sucks big time, I am proud of finishing it. I'm finishing a story!!! *grins*

There's a second part that I'm working on. It's much darker than the first because my heroine has gone through a lot and she isn't the sweet girl she used to be.
I mean, she leaves her man -- cuz she's stupid -- claiming she has to be alone for a little while, to clear her thoughts. She's been having dreams and nightmares and they all end up with Kyp dying if she stays.

Wanting to be safe than sorry, while he's out on a mission, she simply writes him a note and leaves. For the next five years, they hear nothing of each other.

Now I'm guessing if Kyp Durron were in love, he would do almost anything for this person. He would kill for this person, he would die for this person. He's lost so much in his life that he might even cling a little bit too much.
And having Liz leave him this way, would be a blow. And he would be pissed.

Of course he tried to talk out their differences but Liz would never say what was bothering her. She would close up completely, fearing that he would know about the dreams and do something about it. But what if they weren't just dreams? What if they were visions? Because all her dreams that felt real, were real.

Thank you, Force.

So five years later, they meet again. Sexual tension en masse. Inuendo but no touching. Oooh, much fun.
Liz dreams of a young man begging for help. She hears him call and she finds him in the Outer Rim on a ghetto planet. The baddest slums ever. She has to fight her way to him and get him off the planet but she's had plenty of teachers and she knows her way around weapons now. She's a fighting machine with sexy heals. *laughs*

The boy, she knows, is Force sensitive and she feels that he has a destiny to fulfill. So they -- her manly girl-friend Ashaya -- plot a course to Yavin 4. On a stolen ship, though. And since the Jedi and the government work together, sort of, they have to impound the ship and Liz and Ashaya are taken into custody.

And Kyp watches. He stares at her at the ramp. His eyes blaze with anger. Carefully controlled. She can feel he's pissed. And she never keep staring back. Their eyes never leave each other.

This scene is my favorite actually:

Liz is in the brig, a la Star Trek. Forcefield in front and she sits on a cot, waiting. Kyp comes up and he just stands there, watching her. She watches back.

She knows what's on his mind. The questions of why.
A dialogue ensues and then:

"Oh yeah. It's what you do best, isn't it? Leaving." Kyp shrugged. "At least you had the decency to leave a note." Sarcasm leaked from his voice as he smiled begrudgingly and folded his arms in front of his chest.

Liz cleared her throat. Slowly she got up from the cot, walking towards the force field. Her heels clicked on the stone floor with every slow step she took -- a rhythm similiar to her heartbeat. "I didn't want to see the hurt in your eyes when I left. I didn't want to witness what I did to you." She sighed, letting her arms fall to her sides. "I was afraid to face you."

She smirked as she stood only centimeters away from the force field. Had it not been in the way, she would have felt his warm breath tickle her skin. She could have breathed in the spicy scent she remembered so well, the very scent that could arouse her instantly.

"Evidently now," Her eyebrows rose while she stared him down. She wasn't afraid anymore -- she'd left fear in her past. "I am not."

I'm going to have to rewrite this, I suppose. But this are parts of my notes right now and I'm loving it. Giving Liz an edginess, a bitchiness. I want her to fight with Kyp, I want them both to know that they can't leave without each other. God -- the fightscene with be hot, too!

Liz landed on the mat butt first. Her teeth clattered and the fighting stick twirled through the air, skittering across the gym floor. She stared daggers at Kyp, grinding her teeth and narrowing her eyes.

Kyp circled her, twirling the stick in his hands in a figure eight motion. "Get up." He all but snarled at her. "I know I taught you better than this."

And obviously there'll be kissing and stuff. *grins*
So much fun!

And not to forget, Lassiter will be back, too. He's even mean. Not that he wasn't mean before but this is vileness at its best. And he wants her and he'll do everything to get to her. But this time, all he wants is his revenge and he wants her to suffer.

Duh-duh-duh-duuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh.

*sighs* I'm content now.

2008-12-23T16:15:00.001-08:00

Ah yes, I forgot about this pic. Me at the toy store! Mel and I were having fun playing with Legos. Grey legos -- Imperial grey, mind you.

Are you sure you weren't just dreaming?

2008-12-23T14:51:00.000-08:00

Title: Are you sure you weren't just dreaming?
Author(s): Ceillean
Timeframe: /
Characters: Ben, Luke, Mara
Genre: Humor
Summary: Ben meets a Ghost
Notes: This is for the Professor Literati's Christmas Roulette Challenge.

Somewhere in your vignette or short story you must include a character with the name, Tiny Tim. You must also include a ghost in your story.
The sentence I used was: Again the specter raised a cry and shook its chain and wrung its shadowy hands

Enjoy.

Ben sat against the headrest of his bed and pulled his knees to his chest. He didn’t know what time it was and he didn’t much care – his new game was way more interesting than sleeping. Uncle Han had given him an early Life Day gift, the new Gamer1300! He could hide it anywhere he wanted because it was so small!

Mara and Luke hadn’t been too happy about the gift because they feared it would keep Ben from his school work and Jedi training. He’d promised to keep up his work and so far he had. But his parents didn’t know about his late nights playing “Rebel Alliance vs. The Empire”.

Ben snickered as his holographic figure shot up a Stormtrooper and the white armor exploded into a hundred oddly shaped, glittering pieces. Ben was a really good player – and it was kind of astral getting to play his Dad in a real hologame. The name Luke Skywalker hadn’t come up of course – Ben guessed it had to do with legal reasons; grown-up stuff; boring stuff – but who else would be the hero of the Rebel Alliance? At least Ben had never heard of another Jedi Knight who’d blown up a Death Star.

There had only been one Death Star, hadn’t there?

Ben wrinkled his nose and paused his game. One Death Star or two? He’d been forced to sit through boring history lessons with Master Tionne and the topic had come up but he couldn’t quite recall…

He shrugged and continued to play, his little figure jumping into an open X-Wing.

Ben giggled. “On to blow up the bad guys!” he whispered in the dark of his small room. And just as the X-Wing lifted off towards space, Ben heard something that had nothing to do with the game. He stopped moving, stopped breathing and switched off the Gamer1300, listening intently. At six years old, he’d learned how to focus the Force on his surroundings and as he did so, he felt something was out of the ordinary.

Leaning across towards his nightstand, he flicked on his light and scanned the room with his eyes. His closet was ajar and he saw a few of his shirts in a messy pile – he grimaced. Mara wouldn’t like that too much and the cleaning droid would want to strangle him! Maybe it hadn’t been a good idea to give the droid an emotion chip. She was one moody machine!

A few of his toys lay scattered on the carpeted floor, a plasteel cylinder in the corner showed his collection of stuffed animals. The tidiest place in his room was in fact his desk and only because he hardly ever used it.

Everything looked normal but it didn’t feel normal.

Slowly, Ben kicked the covers off and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. His toes barely touched the floor as he sat there, listening.

A rushing sound and then something rattling…

Ben frowned as he jumped to the floor, narrowing his eyes. With tiny steps, he moved away from his bed towards the open closet doors. He scowled at the mess – yeah, the cleaning droid would have his head for this!

When he turned around, he stopped, gaping at what met his eyes. A shimmering form of a boy his age sat atop his mattress, dressed in rags with disheveled hair. He looked like a mixture between a hologram projection and a Force ghost, the ones he’d seen on the holonet a few times already. And yet something was amiss.

Maybe the fact that this ghost-apparition-thing was holding his Gameer1300! Force ghosts couldn’t hold things could they? And neither could hologram projections!

“Who are you?” Ben asked acidly, folding his arms in front of his chest. “And why are you on my bed playing my game?!” If Mara had been there to see him, she would have been so proud!

The boy looked up and smiled. Ben found it a bit disconcerting that he could look through him and tell the time on his chrono standing on his nightstand.

“You don’t mind, do you? I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Ben glared and hurried forward, snatching his Gamer1300 out of the boys’ hand. “It’s mine! Who are you?”

The boy shrugged his shoulder and jumped off the bed. “Does it matter?”
“It matters to me. How’d you get here anyway?”

“I wander the area at this time of the year.”

Ben arched a brow. “Huh?”

“Life Day!” The boy frowned. “Are you mentally impaired?”

Ben’s eyes widened. “Huh?”

“Everyone knows about Life Day!”

“Yeah, so do I.” He raised his voice just a fraction. “Who are you?”

The boy walked closer and smiled brightly. “The name’s Tim. And who are you?”

Ben wrinkled his nose, as he looked the boy up and down. “Ben. Are you a ghost?”

Tim shrugged. “Looks like it, don’t it?”

“A Force ghost?”

“A what?”

“A Force ghost.”

Tim raised his brows. “What’s that?”

“I’m guessing that’s what you are?”

“Uh-uh.” He shook his head. “Never heard of it before. I’m just a ghost. I visit people on Life Day.”

“Why?”

“Just because.”

“Why?”

Tim turned on him and narrowed his eyes. “Stop saying that!”

“Why?”

“Because I’ll hurt you if you don’t!”

Ben’s lips quirked up into a little half smile. “I’d really, really like to see a ghost try and hurt me.”

“Well – “ The boy huffed out a breath. “I could curse you!”

“Curse me how?”

Tim took a step back and plopped back down on the bed. He seemed sad, Ben thought. Alone, maybe? “All ghosts can curse the living. I’ve never done it before.” His voice was quiet. “But you’re annoying so you might be my first!”

“What would you have to do?”

“Say a few words and wave my hands around.”

“Well, then say the words.”

Tim frowned. “You do know what a curse is, right?”

“I’m not stupid!” Ben said indignantly.

“Fine! But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“I’m not scared.”

Tim grinned and then shook his head. “Again the specter raised a cry and shook its chain and wrung its shadowy hands.”

Ben arched a brow. “That doesn’t sound like a curse.”

“But it is!” Tim’s voice sounded squeaky to Ben’s ears.

“What does it do?”

“What does what do?”

“The curse, you stupid ghost!” Ben shouted, feeling exasperated with him. He could hardly believe it! He was arguing with a ghost!

Tim shrugged. “I dunno. I just read the line in a book last time I was here. Can we forget about it?” He asked, trailing his finger along the covers of the bed. “Can’t we just play? I’ve been bored for so long.”

“How long?”

“A few hundred years.”

“Seriously?”

Tim nodded. “Yeah. You’re the first boy I’ve visited in a long time. Can we play or not?”

Ben shrugged and sighed. “Fine.” He gestured for the ghost to join him on the floor while he sat down cross-legged.

“My friends used to call me Tiny Tim, by the way.” The ghost said with a wistful smile.

“Because you’re short?”

He nodded. “Yeah.”

“I’m short, too. Who cares?”

Luke stretched tired muscles – wincing at the audible pops – and leaned back in his chair. Mara sat opposite him at the table, sipping at a cup of caf while skimming through the latest news on her data pad.

He jumped suddenly, as he heard Ben pounding down the hall like a crazy-boy, “I saw a ghost last night!” He exclaimed with a bright smile as he hurried to take his usual seat at the breakfast table.

Mara arched a brow and gave him a peculiar look. “A ghost?”

“Yeah! He was a Life Day ghost! He tried to curse me but it wouldn’t work. We played the Gamer together! It was astral!” Ben grabbed a box of cereal and poured it into his already waiting bowl, which had small pictures of roaring Wookies all around it. “He promised to come back tomorrow night! He could be my very first best friend!” He poured milk over his breakfast, oblivious to his parents’ amused yet concerned glances.

“Are you sure you weren’t just dreaming sweetheart?”

“Uh-uh.” Ben shook his head. “Because he told me everything I wanted to know. Including the gifts you’re getting me!” He smiled brightly.

“You peeked?” Luke asked with raised brows.

“No! I swear! Tiny Tim told me!”

“Tiny Tim?” Mara echoed, placing her data pad on the table.

Ben nodded vigorously while stuffing a spoon full of cereal into his mouth. “And thanks for getting me a game for the Gamer1300!” He exclaimed before taking a drink from his juice and jumping up off his chair. “I need to get dressed. Master Tionne will be so mad if I’m late!”

He gave his parents a quick kiss on the cheek and ran back into his room, closing the door behind him.

Mara frowned at Luke and cleared her throat. “Where’s our son?”

Luke smiled. “Seems he had a lively dream.”

“I’ll say.”

“And he peeked.”

Mara shrugged, taking another sip from her caf and directing her attention back to her data pad.

Upside Down

2008-12-23T14:49:00.001-08:00

Title: Upside Down
Author: Ceillean -- the Kyp-crazed crazy woman
Genre: Humor
Characters: Wes Janson, Corran Horn, Garik Loran, Kell Tainer
Notes: Second Annual Winter Holiday Fic-Gift Exchange Fic-gift for Miraluka Jedi. Merry Christmas! I really do hope you like this. It was hard to write -- it's been years since last I read a Rogue Squadron book so I mixed them up with the Wraiths. Enjoy!

The fic-gift you are writing is for: MiralukaJedi

They requested:
1.Wes Janson trying to set up a really elaborate prank
2. Light-hearted fun
3. Who it is played on though, I leave up to whoever gets this in the end

I don't want: Drama (it wouldn't work with this one I think)

Characters: Janson (obviously), a member of Rogue Squadron or two

“How much longer?” Kell Tainer asked while making a face. His voice was laced with ultimate whininess, like a kid wanting a lollypop and being denied one.

Wes rolled his eyes. “Stop being a baby!”

“Well, if you’d at least give me something to blow up!”

It grew quiet for a moment and the way Wes creased his forehead and pursed his lips, Kell could see that he was actually contemplating his suggestion. A small grin spread over Kell’s face and his eyes twinkled with mischief. “I get to blow something up!”

“Well, not exactly.” Wes jumped from the ladder, eyeing his greatest work to date. “When’s Corran due back anyway?” He asked, smiling slightly as he shifted his attention to Kell.

Kell stood leaning against the wall, looking bored and yet he managed to pull off the stance of a man ready to spring into action at a moment’s notice. In this case planting a bomb in Corran Horn’s quarters. Although it was hard to imagine Corran finding it amusing if a part of his quarters were to blow up into a few hundred itty-bitty pieces. The look on the man’s face would be worth it, though.

“Depends on how long Face needs to get him as drunk as we need him. Could be a few more hours.”

Wes nodded once then rubbed his hands together with a bright, evil smile on his face. This was the sort of smile Kell knew meant trouble, the sort of smile where you backed away from Wes Janson while holding up your hands – palms up – pleading your innocence. “Did you bring it?” He asked in a dark, sinister voice. Only thing missing was the matching laugh – the one where the bad guy would throw his head back and exaggerate like a crazy man over and over again.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha – Ha ha ha ha ha ha…

At least in Kell’s mind Wes could pull it off.

“Yeah. It’s lying in the back waiting to be mauled, as usual.”

“Well then plant a confetti bomb in his stomach.”

Kell wrinkled his nose. “That’s not even remotely the same!”

“It’s all you’re gonna get! Now help me finish this up before Corran gets here.”

Grumbling something incoherent under his breath, Kell pushed away from the wall. Wes scrambled back up the ladder, grabbing a hydrospanner from his tool belt and reaching up to tighten another bolt that would hold the sofa in its designated place.

This place being the ceiling.

An old, stained caf table, the bookshelf (the little reading material Corran owned was glued onto the wood with reversible adhesive), two lamps, Corran’s small one-man bed (the poor sod) and now the sofa found their new homes to be quite fascinating. Kell had pulled out the ugly grey carpet, rolled it up and carried it into the small makeshift kitchen while Wes had laid out a large piece of Inolia, to make it look like the ceiling. A small grey lamp, which would usually give off an ugly dingy yellow glow, was attached to the middle of the floor.

Corran would love it!

Wes had already planted a few holocams all around the room so he wouldn’t miss a single second of his friends’ reaction.

This would so be worth it.

“You need to stand in order to walk.”

Corran ripped his eyes open and smiled – at least the lift of his lips was supposed to look like a smile, as far as Garik Loran was concerned. And even though Corran was short compared to him, he had to weigh at least a ton! His feet barely touched the ground as Garik held him up by his shoulders, pulling him along the corridor towards his quarters.

“You know…” Corran hiccupped while trying to stand up straight. If Garik’s sight had been impaired by an angle of about forty-five degrees, it might have seemed like Corran was actually standing. “I watched a movie the other night.”

“Did you now?” Garik asked, dragging Corran along the corridor. Overall it would have been easier to hoist the man over his shoulder but he would leave alone what little dignity still remained.

“Mhm.” When Corran started to giggle like a young girl, Garik knew Corran was far beyond drunk. This was completely, utterly and devastatingly wasted. “You, my friend, were one of those guys.”

Garik blew out a breath and counted the last few steps until he’d finally reached the entrance to Corran’s small quarters. “I was, huh?”

“Yep.” He smacked his lips. “You were so funny.” Corran threw his head back and laughed while Garik shook his head and wondered if he was like this when he was drunk. Force, he hoped not!

Just as he was about to touch his fingers to the controls of the door, Corran’s knees gave away and he slumped to the ground like a wet sack of…well, Corran. Garik couldn’t help but laugh at the scene that met his eye. Here lay one of Rogue Squadron’s best and fiercest pilots, passed out and drooling all over the floor.

Garik dug through his overalls and extracted a tiny holocam, one he’d used countless times while spying on people he wasn’t supposed to be spying on. It was almost ridiculous how much information he’d gathered on certain individuals – including his colleagues – to blackmail them. Who knew, maybe the pictures would come in handy some day. The thought made him grin like an idiot.

He snapped a few shots of the drooling wet sack of Corran, stuck the holocam back into his inner pockets and palmed the lock of the door. It hissed aside, revealing a brightly lit upside-down room. Garik laughed as he dragged Corran inside by the hem of his collar.

“You’ve overdone yourself this time.” Garik commented, dropping Corran as he surveyed Wes’s fantastic work of art. An upside down room – who would have guessed.

“How long will he be passed out?” Wes asked, coming forward with his hands stuck into the pockets of his pants. He seemed so nice and innocent the way he stood there, as if he were the nicest guy in the entire galaxy.

Yeah, right.

“Definitely a few hours. Where do you want him?” This time Garik did hoist Corran onto his shoulder.

“Right underneath the bed, of course.” He inclined his head towards the nearest corner. “We can watch him from next door. The holocams are all on and running, including four separate motion detectors to let us know when he’s finally awake. Kell’s already at his station keeping watch. ”

“Sounds like a mission to me.”

“Yeah, well.” Wes rubbed his hands together. “Look up.”

Garik drew his brow into a suspicious frown. Still, he tilted his head upward and couldn’t help but chuckle. “What happened to his face?”
Wes scratched at his head. “He had an unfortunate accident with Kell. He’s a menace by the way.”

Garik snapped his head around. “Look who’s talking.”

They laid Corran onto the floor and draped a blanket over him. Slowly and grinning wickedly, they left him in his alcohol induced slumber, eagerly awaiting the time Corran woke up. And they would tape everything – oh the joy!

Corran hoped he was only dreaming. One part of his brain was trying to wake him while the other was still sluggish, dealing with the fact that he’d had way too much to drink. Strangely, he remembered being with Garik and normally Garik was the one to pass out… Had he been awake, he would have realized that there was something out of the ordinary and he would have gotten suspicious.

Instead, he blinked away the remnants of the hazy dream (being gobbled up by a zoo animal) and turned onto his back. He didn’t dare open his eyes yet even though he wondered why in the world his bed was suddenly so hard. He tapped his fingers on the mattress and then realized it wasn’t a mattress at all.

Slowly, slow motion slowly, he opened just one eye. Minutes passed by and he didn’t move a muscle. He had to think this through and it was hard. So Corran was lying on the floor while his bed was up there? No, wait… that wasn’t right, was it? It didn’t make sense.

Grunting, he turned back onto his side and closed his eyes. Yeah, he’d had too much to drink and now he was hallucinating. He’d kill Garik for it later, once he was sober. Wouldn’t take more than a day or two, he supposed. And so Corran slept on, oblivious to the fact that Wes, Garik and Kell were watching him and laughing their asses off.

Five hours later Corran’s brain was at least half way functional. Or so he thought until he sat up and came face-to-face with a mauled Ewok. Its face was slashed in various places, showing white foam sliding down its dark brown fur. Corran’s eyes widened and he jumped back with a loud screech that could have shattered the windows.

The Ewok’s eyes blazed with anger as it stared at him, its face contorted into a mask of – wait a minute…

Corran inched closer and reached out with a finger. He pushed at the Ewok hanging from the ceiling and watched as it swung back and forth, back and forth. “Yub, yub.” It said with a very mechanical voice and although Corran’s brain worked slowly, still even he could figure this one out. “Kettch.” He said to no one in particular.

But then came the part of the “Why” and “What the kriff?”. He tilted his head upward and his jaw dropped. He had to be hallucinating! Why was he laying on the ceiling? How was he laying on the ceiling? Why was his stuff up there?

What the hell had Garik put into his drink?

Knowing it would make no sense to think about it any further, he decided to lie back down. But as he did so, he noticed the ceiling lamp not too far away from him…

He wasn’t hallucinating. This was real.

It took him a very long moment to piece everything together – Kettch, furniture on the ceiling, lamps on the floor… wow… Wes had done a perfect job this time!

Corran sat up and pursed his lips. From a distance, he heard wicked, evil sounding laughter. So they were watching him, were they?

Already his mind went into overdrive -- oh sweet payback.

Before he was able to scramble up though, Kettch made the most peculiar sound. A slight pop and then a hiss – and then the Ewok’s insides spread all over Corran. Some kind of sweet smelling red goo stuck to his hair and skin, running into his mouth, underneath his shirt and down his arms.

Oh yeah.

They were so gonna pay.

The One With The Chicken Suit and The Heels

2008-12-23T14:39:00.000-08:00

So another year is almost over. Tomorrow's Christmas Eve. And my Mom's in the hospital. Wonderful, isn't it?

I can't pack up Lilly's gift because I have no more tape. So I have to do that tomorrow morning, as well.
And still go buy some food for the holidays. I have to cook! Ugh.
Christmas is one of those holidays when I wish I won the lottery and I could just take off until January. Somewhere far away where it's moderately warm.

I'm too tired to write anything decent tonight so I thought I'd post the last sillyness I wrote for the boards the other day:

---------

Agamar, Calna Muun

The view from the office balcony was spectacular. Contrary to prejudiced opinions across the galaxy, the Agamarians had turned out to be a very hospitable and friendly people, welcoming their Jedi friends warmly.

Jedi Master Kyp Durron leaned against the balustrade with his arms folded in front of his chest. The warm sea wind tickled his skin and he breathed in deeply, reminded of his own home Deyer. Calna Muun, the capitol of Agamar, was located on the coast and from where Kyp stood, he could watch tourists as well as locals gather around the harbor to catch one of the submersibles that would take them to the floor of the Bil Da’Gari Ocean.

One of the Senators had suggested they do this as well and no doubt, it would have been an interesting venture, but Kyp was glad the mission was over and he was more than ready to head back home.

“Ready to go?”

He turned around halfway and nodded towards Jag Fel. The younger man stood with a straight back, his military training evident in his stance. He wore a simple flight suit without insignia, much like Kyp. The only thing differing was the fact that Kyp’s lightsaber dangled from his hip.

“Yeah.”

“We might have a little problem though.”

Kyp heaved a sigh and closed his eyes. He tried remembering the last time a simple mission ended as easy as it had begun. Had there even ever been one?

“Please define a little problem.”

Jag shrugged. “The way to the space port is blocked. The main street is crowded with a mob of people. Carnival festivities.”

“That’s no good.”

“No.”

“When do the celebrations end?”

“Four days.”

“Damn.”

The mission had been a secret one. Settling a simple dispute with a noble man and two Senators from neighboring worlds, the Agamarian Council had asked the Jedi for assistance. No one was to know of the Jedi’s involvement, so walking about the crowd dressed as they were, was not an option.

“I mean, we could blend in.” Jag offered with the slightest lift of his lips, a roguish grin that made females gasp and swoon all over the galaxy. “All of them are wearing costumes. We dress up and head to the spaceport as one of them. Simple.”

Kyp chuckled. “I’ve learned that simple does not exist.”

“What’s not simple about this? There’s a shop in the market quarter. We go there, borrow costumes, send them back once we get home and no one will be the wiser that we were here.”

“Besides the shop owner?”

Jag scratched at his head, giving Kyp a sheepish look. “I suppose you should take care of that then.”

“Aw, great. I’ve been degraded to erasing people’s memories.”

“Well, according to Jaina, it’s what you do best.” Jag’s voice was laced with amusement.

Kyp pursed his lips but held back a retort. He was tired and moody as it was and he wanted to go home. Jaina had a big mouth, he already knew this, so he’d have a talk with her once he felt up to it.

“Don’t listen to everything she says.”

“Sir, yes Sir!” Jag clicked his heels together and gave Kyp a mock salute.

“Stop that, you dope.” He sighed and ran a hand across his face. “Let’s go find that shop.”

“Will she be alright?” Jag asked, while waving his hand in front of the shop owner’s face. Her eyes seemed completely empty, her face blank as she stared into nothingness.

“She’ll be fine. I’ll release her once we leave.”

“What about surveillance cameras?”

“Already taken care of.”

Jag wrinkled his nose as he stepped away from the front counter and followed Kyp into the back where a dozen or more empty racks stood filed in even rows. “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

Kyp gave him a droll stare. “Of course I know what I’m doing. I am the Jedi Master here, after all.”

Jag snorted and shook his head at the other man’s arrogant tone of voice. “And I will shoot this Jedi Master someday, you just wait and see.”

“I dare you to do so. You’d never catch me.”

“You are very sure of yourself, aren’t you?” Jag scanned the chamber with his eyes, only now noticing the emptiness. He supposed the racks would have usually been hanging full with clothes and accessories but due to the festivities going on outside, the store was literally empty.

“Now what?” He mumbled under his breath, walking down a short flight of stairs into yet another empty chamber.

“Now we have to improvise.” He heard Kyp’s voice from the left. Jag turned around just in time to catch a large bag of… fluff?

“What’s this?”

“The last of the costumes left. Here, hold this.” Kyp thrust another zipped up garment bag into his arms.

Annoyed with the older man, Jag opened his arms and let everything fall to the floor. “I’m not your servant, Durron.”

Kyp laughed. “Could have fooled me.”

Jag cleared his throat. “Yes. I will shoot you. When you least expect it.”

They crouched down beside the bags and zipped them open. Jag wrinkled his nose while Kyp scratched at his chin.

“I’m not wearing this.” They said in unison, shaking their heads.

Kyp was the first to laugh.

“Can’t you just hide us in the Force?” Jag asked, poking the strange orange furry thing in the bag with his finger.

“It would take too long to get to the space port. Hiding me is exerting enough.”

“And you call yourself a great Jedi Master?” Jag raised his brows, smirking.

“Shut up and put this on.” He shoved the furry thing towards Jag while he dug through the other garment bag and grimaced as if he’d hurt himself. When he pulled out a long, white cloak with a matching gown, Jag couldn’t help himself. His laughter bubbled out and he found himself sitting on the cold floor, holding his stomach.

“I swear to the Force, if you ever breathe a word of this, you’re a dead man.” Kyp said in a dangerously low tone. Jag wasn’t listening – he was too busy laughing.

When Kyp pulled out a pair of matching white heels, Jag peeled over with a red face. Several minutes passed by while Jag’s stomach convulsed from laughing too hard and Kyp glowered at him. “I can kick your ass in heels, Jag. Don’t think that I won’t.”

“You could style your hair to match the outfit. It’s definitely long enough.” Jag said in between gasps and threw his hands over his head as Kyp tossed one of the shoes in his direction.

“Put this on and let’s get going.” Kyp pushed the fluffy-whatever-it was towards Jag, while getting to his feet and slipping out of his robes. Jag sat up, ogling the orange fluff in front of him. He grabbed it out of the bag and frowned. The middle piece was round and soft, whereas the legs attached to it were rather skinny – hardly enough space to fit inside. When he grabbed the second part of the costume, he started to laugh again.

“So you have to dress up like a woman and I’ll be walking around in a Chicken suit?”

“Seems so.” Kyp finished up with his rather petite gown and slung the matching cloak around his shoulders. A thin white shall completed the outfit. He let his hair down and took a deep breath – and another one, and another one – before he slipped his feet into the heels. And they actually fit.

Jag whistled. “Master Durron. You look positively sexy.”

Jag ducked as Kyp flung one of his boots towards him by using the Force. “Get dressed so we can leave.”

They eventually made it to the ship and even in one piece. Both had had laughing fits while mingling in with the crowd. Kyp had lost count how often Jag had tripped over his huge, flattened chicken feet. And every time Jag looked at Kyp in his pretty white gown, he couldn’t help but giggle like a little girl.

They definitely made an interesting pair.

“And I was serious. You breathe a word to anyone about this and I will skin you alive.” Kyp said as he kicked off the heels and began to slip out of the costume. Jag twisted off the head of the Chicken suit and grinned. “My lips are sealed.”

Kyp narrowed his eyes. “I’m not kidding.”

“I won’t tell!”

“Fel…I swear, if I hear a word of this from Jaina…”

Jag fell back against the wall and laughed with all he was worth, holding his stomach. “I hadn’t even thought about that!” He grinned. “I have something to blackmail you with!”

Kyp groaned and rubbed at his forehead. He grabbed his own clothes and headed to the back of the ship to get dressed.

None of them said a single word about their costumes on their way home.

yawns

2008-12-21T15:15:00.000-08:00

It's Sunday. And Sunday's are annoyingly boring. But see this pic? Isn't it awesome? I wish I could draw like this. This is the one an donly Jagged Fel, a perfect and beautiful drawing by the one and only FalconFan. I know why he's my second favorite characters. *swoons* The Jag FanGirls have turned me into one of their own, seriously! Look at him! I could jump into this pic and run my hands through his hair! *grins like a damned idiot* But still, my favorite will always be Kyp Durron. He's the man. And he's hot.

He's MINE! I claim him! *laughs*
Meet Master Durron. I don't know why I'm infatuated with a character that doesn't exist. ^^

Well, it's not as bad as it sounds. All my fanfics include him. I don't know, he's the one Jedi in the entire Order who seems to always know what's going on and he knows how to deal with the situation, unlike Luke Skywalker and his followers.

I like him being a little aggressive. On the battlefield and elsewhere. LOL
Okay, I'm getting my mind out of the gutter. For the next few seconds that is.

I've always got my main fanfic done. Woot for me! My first lenghtly fic ever. I'm up to almost three hundred pages. That's most definately a first for me.

Anyway, enough fangirling! Off to bed with me!

*hopes to dream of Kyp*

Dark Hunters

2008-12-20T16:22:00.000-08:00

I totally and completely love this picture. It's mysterious and he has beautiful lips, a straight perfect nose. All in all, a chiseled face. I imagine he has beautiful eyes as well and a wonderful body to go with it.

My imagination is running off with me. Still, he's a gorgeous guy, who ever he is. I found this pic on Photobucket. Amongst the other Dark Hunter pics. I'm guessing he's supposed to portray Talon, because of the Celtic armband. If it is indeed Celtic.

Dark Hunter and the Black Dagger Brotherhood. My drug. In the words of Edward Cullen "My personal brand of Heroine". Yeah, I finally watched Twilight. The book was so much better but I expected as much.

They cut out all the cute scenes between Bella and Edward. I honestly missed Bella's obsession with "Wuthering Heights". I might read the book again, once I get all my Star Wars books finished. I just bought a book this morning, called "Jedi Healer -- Med Star". I think it would be really interesting to read about a Jedi Healer, especially concerning fanfic.

I got done with an update just now. My ass hurts, I'm serious! It took me about four hours to get done, including notes. I'm almost finished with it -- my very first long story. Almost three hundred pages and a little over 130.000 words. I'm good, aren't I?

Now all I have to do is try and develop my own world. It's harder than it seems, specially if you don't want to steal or borrow from other genre's.

Anyway, I'm off to bed.
Good night world.

Friends -- The One With The Shorts

2008-12-19T12:43:00.000-08:00

32 Leaves -- Way Beyond

2008-12-19T12:33:00.000-08:00

Pic of the Day. The new Star Trek movie. Holy Crap, I am soooooooooooooo looking forward to this movie! Watch it, I'll turn into a Treckie again. You just wait and see. ^^

My head hurts. My tooth hurts. I'm a wreck today.
It's amazing how much a single tooth can annoy the hell out of you during the day.

How nice I feel no pain while sleeping.
I'll be heading to bed in the next few minutes. Listening to music and thinking over the last bits of my story before I fall asleep.

I wrote down some notes this afternoon. Six or seven pages worth of notes, I think. The end is near! FINALLY!!!!! I started this in April and hopefully I'll get it done my the end of December. Not necessarily posted but definately finished writing.

Next year begins the Dear Diary Challenge. I have this funny idea. I can hardly wait to start. ^^
And then the second part to "An Unlocked Soul". The strange part is, when I started the story, the title didn't make much sense. And now it really does.
I'll be really proud of myself if I finish this story and it'll all still make sense as a whole.

I want to call my Dad tomorrow or Sunday. I think I should make it into a once a week call. I think he might like that. And I really need to call Natica. I miss talking to her -- she always makes me laugh.

I sent out Jay's package today. I hope she likes her gift! A glas caligraphy pen, dark red ink and parchment. It might help with her RPG.

So...who's going to bake me some Kyp cookies? *smiles*
Or better yet, beam the real deal over like right now? ^^ Yeah, just kidding. Being stupid in the head, as ususal.

Good Night World.

Oh Well

2008-12-18T15:05:00.000-08:00

It's early in the morning and I have yet to fall asleep. I feel like crap. I suppose it's just one of those days again.

Or maybe my yearly Christmas depression has kicked in a little earlier. *laughs*
You know how people usually ignore you throughout the year and when the Holiday Season begins, it's like you've been best friends your entire life? Maybe it's just me but it's overly annoying.

And majorly hypocricial, especially when it comes down to people you know for a fact can't stand your guts. Yeah, believe it or not -- there are people our there that don't like me!

Me! I'm the nicest person on the face of the planet and they don't like me!
Not that I mind. Since school I've been teased and rediculed because I think differently, because I dress differently, because I have a general different oppinion concerning a whole lot of things.
I don't need people to like me. Especially not by those people who claim to be something of a friend.

Seems they have a different definition of friendship than I do.

Isn't it strange? I'd rather "hang out" with my online friends than spend real life time with idiots from back home.

I can only stress the fact how glad I am that we moved.
If you want to become something more, if you want to grow in your life, you have to take a step. You have to a chance and use this chance for the better. You have to move upward to leave where you are.
It's sad how many people can't understand this. It really is.

Then there's New Year's Eve.
I've never been much of a party person. I hardly ever drink. Beer I find so disgusting that a single drop of the brew can make me vomit the entire night. If I do drink, I like the harder stuff. Tequila, Hennesey, Southern Comfort, various Alkopops as we Germans tend to say. A few Vodka mix drinks are okay, as well. I've tried a lot but I've never been drunk. Comes from the fact that I only try the stuff and never really drink it.

I think I'll stay home with my daughter this year. I didn't go out last year either, or the year before that. I'd be interested in going to our local castle and see what's going on up there but it supposed to be very crowded and dangerous, too. With fireworks going on, people don't pay attention.

So yeah, I'll stay home and work on my book that has yet to be written. I don't even have notes. Yay.
Great book, huh?!

I'll get it done, though. Once I finally have an idea that I want to stick with, once I've finally fallen in love with my own characters -- I'll get it done.

It's so much easier writing fanfiction. I write Star Wars fanfic mainly and my favorite character is Kyp Durron. I love this non-existing, sexy, yummy, hot Jedi Master so I adore writing about him. I can invent OC's like Nikk Vox and want him as my own for eternity! So how come it's so hard to create something completely new?

Pic of the Day:

It's my Desktop Pic. I love it. It's beautiful. Even though it's bloody but maybe that's the reason why I like it so much. Who knows?

My brain works in mysterious ways.

I'm about to burst...

2008-12-15T11:31:00.000-08:00

Favorite pic of the day; look at those kissable lips! My personal favorite pic for Jag Fel, by the way. *swoons*

I ate way too much this evening. Asya cooked tonight and damned that woman can cook! You eat and eat and eat and even though your brain is telling your stomach that it's about to explode, you can't stop eating!
Yeah, so ugh.

I'm exhausted today. I slept about three hours last night. I watched a stupid German movie on TV, then read a little, listened to Star Wars audiobooks before falling asleep.

I got paid today so Christmas is saved. I already got André his gift and we're going to buy Lilly's presents tomorrow. Asya still needs something small and cute. I got Malika a book for Christmas. I used my personal birthday gift certificate to buy her the book. Am I not nice?

I have a few things to update tonight. And two more fics to read before I get to bed. *yawns* I haven't been this tired in a very, very long time.

Unknown to the World

2008-12-14T01:48:00.000-08:00

André and I watched "The Day the Earth stood still" last night. He didn't like it too much but I enjoyed it. Although I have to admit, I'd really like to see a movie where mankind DOES NOT win or get what it wants. It would have served us right to be taught a lesson, even if it meant all out destruction. It is just a movie, after all.

All in all, the film was okay. I loved Keanu Reeve's role. I adore him as an actor anyway -- I like the mysteriousness he carries along with himself in almost every role. And that robot? Where can I get one?!

Because then, anyone who annoys me could get a yummy red blast of personal über-dimensional robot.

Today is Sunday so today will be boring. My downstairs neighbor annoyed the hell out of me yesterday. Why is it so hard to speak in a normal day-to-day volume? Especially with your kids. She yells a lot. My Mom did that too, when we were growing up hence my averstion to yelling and screaming.
And the name-calling! It's such a mediocre thing to do -- it shows me the person has no clue how to argue and resolves to primitive name calling to get her point over. Or not.
Not for the life of me would I EVER call my daughter names. EVER EVER.
It seems to be normal with them, though.

The Stalker hasn't been back! Great news, right?

I suppose I'll do some cleaning today. Maybe even find the will to write a few lines other than my blog. I need to get my stories done and finally plot out my own. I can't become the next famous writer without a decent story, right?
I have so many ideas in my head and I guess that's the problem. Because I don't where to start.
With the fanfics, it's easy. I've grown up with these characters and I love these characters. But starting off from the very beginning, creating everything new... it's harder than expected.
But I'll get it done. Eventually. ^^

And here -- my very favorite picture at the moment because it completely shows a scene from one my fics. *grins like a mad woman*

Meet Kyp and Liz. *laughs*
I borrowed the pic from "Blood Ties". I think I might need to watch a few more episodes of Henry Fitzroy biting necks and sucking blood. He is a cutie. *smiles*

Every Day Life -- the Non Stressful parts

2008-12-12T14:00:00.000-08:00

It's cold outside. Brrrr! But isn't she cute? I'm amazed at how fast my little baby is growing.

See the ears? There's a little pink bow on one of them.

Little Sweetheart caught a cold, though. *sighs* She keeps getting sick. It doesn't surprise me with the weather and all but still, it makes me worry. The past two months have been hectic enough and I was really feeling like crap (still am actually) with a fever and one hell of a cough.
But that's life for you, isn't it? Nothing's ever easy and it always gets harder. Oh well. Suck it up and live with it. ^^

Lilly's discovered the wonder in drawing. She loves to draw and "write". Sometimes she comes up to me with a magazine and she "reads" to me. She sees me with a book almost every day and I think it's really important for kids to be reading. I love it when she talks! I could listen to her all day long. And Daddy loves to draw with her, too. They can lay on the floor for almost an hour playing around and talking to one another. It's soooo astounding how much she learns in such a short time.

Daddy with new ears! Lilly's socks. I was bored and I wanted to annoy him while he played XBox. Isn't he cute?

He's so much fun since he's been home.

Otherwise, life hasn't been too kind lately. In between the times I was healthy, André got sick. He lost 40 pounds in under four weeks and the Doctor's still haven't found a reason as to why. Now it's sit back and wait.
He might need an operation on his hand, too. Everytime he bumps it, it swells double the size. Again, it's wait and see.

And then with this strange kid Stalker Dude...*sighs* The Restraining Order is out so the Idiot can't come near the house anymore. And I am fed up with the topic in general. My neighbors keep bringing it up over and over and over again. Ugh!

Anyway, I feel like writing another vig. And I actually have an idea too! *smiles*

Memoirs of a Killer

2008-12-12T13:58:00.002-08:00

Excerpt from The Memoirs Of Jedi Master Kyp Durron – the younger years

My first real memory is of my mother dragging me to see a Doctor. I might have been three or four years old at the time and I remember quite vividly that I did not want to see a Doctor.

Simply put, the man was scary. He was taller than my mother was, with a spotty baldhead and bushy white eyebrows. I think he meant his smile to seem reassuring but with yellow teeth and dry, cracked lips all he ever really accomplished was scare the crap out of me.

That day, I woke up with my ears itching and my throat burning like crazy. My mother had made my favorite breakfast and I was very angry that I could hardly swallow, let alone chew. I tried not to let it show but my mother had always been rather perceptive. She always knew when I lied to her, she always knew when my brother and I had done something we weren’t supposed to be doing.

This time she knew I wasn’t feeling too well. She shoved me into my room and helped me get dressed. I was a stubborn little kid at my age and every time she turned her back towards me, I would shrug off the last piece of clothing she had made me put on. Of course, she wasn’t happy with my behavior but I didn’t care. She was the one who wanted me to see the creepy Doctor!

In the end, I lost.

The waiting room was packed with coughing children and worried parents. I grabbed my mother’s hand while I looked at a little girl, whose face was puffy red. Maybe she was afraid of the Doctor, too. Who wouldn’t be, for that matter?

I don’t remember how long we had to wait – a few minutes, maybe even a few hours. When the nurse came in and called my name, I remember my heart acting up. It was the very first time in my life that I was truly afraid.

My mother grabbed my hand and literally pulled me into the Doctor’s office. I think I started to wail and scream, scratching at her hand for her to let go. Of course, she ignored my tantrum; she perfected ignoring me every time I behaved out of line.

The Doctor sat behind his desk and smiled when he saw me. Now, if my mother thought I was having a tantrum in the waiting room, this was a full-scale hurricane blowing in her face. I tried ripping free of her hold, screaming at the top of my lungs. She wouldn’t let me go of course so I let myself fall to my knees and crawled underneath her legs to get to freedom.

The idiot Doctor grabbed my ankles and yanked me back and I remember my fingers scratching along the tiled floor. I really didn’t like this man.
I gave up after a few more minutes of fighting. They sat me down on an exam table, a few machines flashing on at once, beeping at me. The colors were interesting but the sounds annoyed me. All I wanted to do was go home.

The Doctor brought out his instruments to look at me and every so often, he made a “hmpf” sound and nodded to himself. I kept looking to my mother and then back to the Doctor with the bushy eyebrows, wondering if he was speaking in a new language only grown-ups could understand.

“There’s a virus going around. Nothing serious.” The Doctor smiled at me and my eyes widened. How could a human have teeth so yellow? Then I noticed that his teeth had black spots and I vowed to always listen to my mother when she told me to brush my teeth.

“We’re just going to give you some medication and then you can go home.”

Well, wasn’t that a happy thought? But something told me not to trust the creepy Doctor, especially when he smiled like that.
The nurse left the room and came back a few minutes later with a small tray in her hands. I looked from her face to the tray and back again, wondering if she was serious.
All I saw was a needle. They’d lost their minds. There was no way I was going to let them stick me with a needle! I felt like I was zapped into one of those old holo movies. Where were the hyposprays?

“I need you to lie down on your tummy.” The Doctor said, snapping gloves onto his spotty hands. I jumped at the sound and swallowed when he took the syringe in his hand.
“Sweetheart, lay down.” My mom whispered.

“No.” I shook my head, “Uh-uh.”

“Honey –“

“You lay down! No!”

My mother knelt down before me and took my hands in hers, “I promise when this is over, you get to eat sweets all day long.”
It was a tempting offer but compared with a needle being shot through my skin she needed to offer a whole lot more. “I get to play with Zeth all day, too. And no school work today. And I get to watch a movie. And play holo games, too!”

For a moment, I thought my mother would say no but she smiled then and nodded, “Alright. But you have to lay down now.”
Reluctantly I did so, rolling onto my stomach and heaving a sigh. But then the creepy Doctor said the words every Doctor should be incarcerated for, “Don’t you worry, Kyp. This won’t hurt a bit.”

He rammed the needle into my left butt cheek – and he said it wouldn’t hurt? He not only scared me, he was a liar too.
This won’t hurt a bit, huh?

Yeah, well, it did.

When I turned six years old, my parents told us we would be moving to the capitol because the both of them had found better jobs. I didn’t really care. I didn’t have many friends – most children my age thought I was strange and usually left me to myself.

Zeth, on the other hand, threw one hell of a fit. Zeth was popular among his peers, leading on a group of young boys who got into trouble a whole lot. Our father wouldn’t have it though – he always knew when to say something and how to say it. There was no arguing with him when he was angry – Dad always got his way.
We started a new life with a new home, a new school and new friends. At least for Zeth. We had new neighbors as well. They seemed the average type but it was their daughter that caught my attention. It was the first time in my life that I developed a crush. She was beautiful.

The first time I saw her I was playing on the beach. I had gathered a few sticks and bound them together with leather cord, pretending to be flying an X-Wing. I ran up and down the shore, the water splashing my feet and legs. And then there was the little girl, sitting alone and staring out to sea.

I remember wanting to speak to her but usually when I befriended someone, after a while, they would just leave. Back then, I had no idea about the Force and I didn’t know that my gift was not an abomination. I don’t think I will ever forget the old man who once ran down the street, threatening to shove a stick up somewhere painful… That’s really not something you say to a kid.

I stood watching the little girl and when she turned her head and smiled, all I could do was gape at her. Her parents came and got her eventually and she waved at me before she entered her home.

The next few days I ran to the beach after school, always hoping to see her there. And there she was, sitting on the same spot every day. I knew she was waiting for me and I liked that.

This went on for weeks until they moved again. And throughout all this time, we never once spoke a word. To this day, I don’t even know her name.

There was a junkyard about an hour away from our house. After school – while my parents were still working – Zeth and I would hang out there. We would talk and play games until it grew dark and then we’d run home like crazy, hoping to get there before our parents arrived.

A few days after my seventh birthday, Zeth took me there saying he had a late gift for me. I was happy, of course. I loved receiving presents. My Mom had gotten a Rebel action figure for me, which I carried around with me for weeks until Zeth tore off its head.

Suffice it to say, I wasn’t happy.

The junkyard was eerily quiet when we arrived and I was anxious to know what Zeth had gotten for me. Every time I asked, he would simply smile. The strange glint in his dark eyes made me wary, though. Even though I loved my brother to death, there were times I didn’t trust him at all.

I knew he was up to something but curiosity overruled my common sense and I followed him.

He stopped at a large, silver dumpster and grinned at me. I remember vividly how he thrust his hands into his pockets and cleared his throat, “You’re present’s in there.”
“Nuh-uh.”

“It is. I swear it.”

“You’re lying again.”

“Why would I lie to you?”

“’Cuz you’re an idiot.”

Zeth shushed me and shook his head, “Trust me, alright? Now come here and jump in.”

He had to be crazy! There was no way I would jump into a garbage dumpster with my crazy brother standing next to it.
“It’s another one of those action figures.”

I gasped and dropped my schoolbag, running the next few meters before I really did jump into the dumpster. And he hadn’t been lying! There was the newest Rebel action figure.

“Thanks Ze –“

But then my stupid brother closed the top of the dumpster and locked me in for over three hours. The smell was disgusting – I kept gagging and tried my best to hold my nose and not breathe too much. Yelling for the idiot to let me out did me no good at all. All I heard was him laughing at me, taunting me because I had fallen for his trick yet again.

And why not? He was my older brother. You usually get to trust your siblings.

When Zeth let me out, it was already dark outside and I stunk. I thought about taking a dip in the ocean but then I’d have to explain to my Mom why I was wet. Glaring at Zeth, we made our way home, awaiting the storm when we entered the front door.

But there was no storm. In fact, our parents sat at the dinner table, huddled over data pads and talking in hush tones. They didn’t even look up when we entered and I made a silent escape to the fresher and then hurried to bed.

I look back to the first few years of my life with a smile, with laughter. My family means the world to me and wherever they are now, I hope they know this.
One year later, everything changed. The Empire came and took away everything I had ever cared for, I had ever loved.
My personal hellhole began the moment white armored Stormtroopers busted into our home…

End Excerpt

Blinded

2008-12-12T13:58:00.001-08:00

Coruscant.
Like an animal hive, the planet is alive – Individuals, creatures of the dark, foliage surrounding broken buildings in the lower regions far below the market zone. Yet Coruscant feels strangely cold, like an icy wind piercing through bare skin. The planet is loud in his mind, a cacophony of voices and screams, shouts and laughter. He feels emotions that are not his own; love, hatred, fear, joy, pain.

Lassiter stands among the creatures that walk the surface. They ignore him for he is ordinary. To their untrained eyes, he is human. However, in reality, he is far from ever being human – from ever being humane.

Born as an unwanted soul, Lassiter changed into his enemy. He changed into the race of beings that had come to his planet and used his people for their own good, experimenting on their bodies to create soldiers bending to their will.

The experiments had not worked but left Lassiter and his brothers with powers no one had ever foreseen. Neither had anyone foreseen the scars. Running along his skin, running into his body, crossing his soul and penetrating his very being. Lassiter will never forget what humans have done to him.

In fact, Lassiter has left his home, has left everything he has ever known to seek out humans. However, to do so, he had to become one of them. Taut, pale skin with a touch of gold; silver hair shimmering in the sun; large, slightly slanted eyes the color of a vast ocean – an alien race condemned by a single act of violence by an institution called the Empire. Lassiter has given up his natural appearance to fit in – now, he is an attractive young man. Already he can feel women eying him curiously.

Depending on where they were, he can hear their thoughts. They sicken him. How dare they ogle him when it was their fault he was in this position in the first place? Lassiter closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He composes himself, forcing rage back into the dark pit within his soul. When the time was right, he would know and then he would strike.

He has no one particular in mind. The Empire is long gone, the men who had done this to him long dead. No one would ever notice but Lassiter is almost one hundred standard years old. Throughout all this time, the anger against the human race simmered until the need to break out was too great to be ignored.

Lassiter turns around and smiles at his reflection in a shop window. An inconspicuous blond man with a warming smile and laughing eyes. He still feels a woman watching him, intent on every move he makes.

If only she knew that soon she would be his reason for laughing.

Close My Eyes

2008-12-12T13:57:00.000-08:00

Kyp braced both his hands against the balustrade, rivulets of sweat running down his bare torso. The sun sent warmth down upon his skin and yet he shivered, overcome by a coldness that the hottest fires of hell could not chase away.

His breathing eased as he concentrated on his surroundings, the Force showing him life in the nearby forests and within the Jedi temple. He could almost hear the younglings below in their classrooms, he could almost hear their groans at having to run another lap on the field – he could hear an exasperated Mara Jade cursing her ship in the hangar bay.

If he concentrated hard enough, everything seemed so clear to him. There was no grey, only black and white – a yes or not, a good and evil. Everything seemed so simple and yet, in the end, nothing ever was.

Kyp straightened up and took a deep breath, while gazing out to the green landscape that made up part of the planet Ossus. Mid day was beautiful – green grass with flowers blooming in wonderful bright colors; a cool breeze swept the treetops back and forth and he heard the rushing sound of water coming from the nearby river.
“Master Durron?” He turned to the small voice, surprised to see a young girl standing behind him. The doors towards the atrium were opened to just a slit – large enough for her to have squeezed through. She was tiny, barely reaching his hip but if his memory served him well, she was ten years old. A gifted Force adept, her specialty lay in telepathy and with that mouth of hers, she could talk anyone into giving up voluntarily. “You look sad.”

Kyp smiled at her worried look, wondering what he’d done to deserve this little one’s kindness. “I’m not.” He lied. “I was thinking, that’s all.”
She wrinkled his nose at him and her eyes hardened just a little. “You aren’t a very good liar, Master Durron.”

Kyp wondered what drove this girl to such assumptions – correct assumptions at that. She seemed to be an avid observer, the first to ever speak to him of his own emotions. Kyp took care that no one knew of his true thoughts; at a young age, he’d learned that keeping to himself was the safest path if he didn’t want to get hurt. It was a habit not easily shed.

“Shana, was there something you wanted?” Kyp asked in an even, low tone. He wasn’t in the mood to argue with a child that reminded him so much of himself. He hadn’t been tall when he was her age, a short scrawny little boy who had fought to live in the most dire of circumstances and situations. And while Shana had her Jedi family, he had had no one but himself.

I was a wayward child
With the weight of the world
That I held deep inside

Shana shook her head, golden locks jumping around her slender shoulders. “You looked sad and I wanted to cheer you up. That’s all.” With a little smile and a wave, she squeezed back through the glass doors. Before entering the atrium though, she turned back towards him and pressed her face against the cool, transparent surface. Her nose and mouth flattened against the glass – Kyp laughed at her quirkiness. She stuck her head through the slit and grinned at him. “See, I cheered you up.” She waved again before she left him with his thoughts.

Shana was truly a precious child. It seemed there was nothing in the world that could catch her off guard; to every situation she had a come-back remark and she loved to banter with the grown-ups, saying she needed to teach them how it’s like to be a kid. Because, unlike grown-ups, kids laughed, played and had fun.
Kyp leaned against the balustrade, staring at the stains Shana had left behind on the glass. She had so much to reach for, so many possibilities to grasp. He hoped that she would have an easy and simple life.

Lifting his dark eyes to the light blue sky, he took a deep breath. Thirty-five years to the day, his life had changed so drastically that even now, he sometimes awoke from nightmares. He had hoped that along the road, he’d find closure when it came to Kessel – by the Force, he’d seen more in his lifetime than anyone should ever see. Death and destruction, fighting an almost hopeless war, losing close friends he considered family…

The dreams revolved around Kessel. Sometimes he would see familiar faces, like Miko and Wurth, alongside him in the mines but he saw himself as a child. Always a helpless child trying to find its way out of the hell that had become his life.

Life was a winding road
And I learned many things
Little ones shouldn't know

Kyp pushed away from the balustrade and headed down a flight of stairs towards the training grounds. He heard the youngsters while they played a game on the field, watched as the older students went through a course of meditation. They looked like statues from where he stood, the majority of them not moving a single inch.
Except a young boy who, instead of listening to his instructions, sat down on the ground and made faces. Kyp smiled as he shook his head – there was always a troublemaker in each generation. It made teaching so much more fun and challenging.

Kyp hurried through the training course towards his own small quarters inside the temple. He could do with a long, warm shower and a decent meal before the council meeting that night. He grimaced at the thought – he just loved sitting around a table and talking politics with his fellow Jedi Knights. The best recreational activity he could think of!

He rolled his eyes as he entered the temple and hurried down the corridor towards the turbolift. His boots clicked lightly on the cold stone floor, the only sound in the hall. Stepping onto the lift, he leaned back and breathed a few times until the doors opened onto the level where his quarters were located. He greeted a few familiar faces on his way to his private sanctuary. Sparsely decorated, he felt comfortable here. There was nothing to distract him from his work, although sometimes he really didn’t know if this was a good thing or not.

Constantly being reminded that he was a Jedi Master, a fighter – a warrior – wasn’t always the best course of action, especially when he was in such a foul mood as he was now.

He’d hardly ever owned anything that meant something to him. If he had, someone would take it away from him. It started with a token of affection from an inmate or just a stone that resembled a figure from a fairy tale – the guards had taken everything from him, leaving him stripped from trinkets that might have brought a smile to his face.

Funny how one can learn
To grow numb to the madness
And block it away

Shrugging out of his clothes, Kyp walked into the fresher and started the shower. He stepped inside, reveling in the feel of cold pellets running down his back.
He hated this anniversary. Every year he forced himself to look back to what had happened, saddened that his life had began the way it had but joyful at what he’d become over the years.

He remembered bloodshed in the mines, remembered how a few inmates disappeared. Some had hoped they had found a way to escape and in the end they had – they had died, an escape that Kyp had found unacceptable, even as a young boy.

I left the worst unsaid
Let it all dissipate
And I try to forget

No matter what, Kyp would never give up. He wasn’t that kind of person. Sometimes he wished he could forget. But wasn’t that the same as giving up? Trying to eradicate the memories that make you what you are?

Life would have been nicer if things had gone differently, there was no doubt about it. And so life would go on, with these anniversaries hanging over his head every year, making him remember. Maybe remembering wasn’t even so bad.

After a long half hour, Kyp turned off the stream of water and grabbed a towel from a rack on the opposite wall. Tying it around his waist, he walked back into his rooms and lay down on his bed. He wished it were night. The dark was soothing to him. Even while still on Deyer, he loved the dark. He had loved staring at the star speckled sky, watching as clouds passed before the bright white moon.

But I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raised my head to the sky
And though time's rolled by
Still I feel like that child
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up a little too soon

Sighing, Kyp toweled himself dry before slipping into his clothes. He left his hair open, after manhandling the strands with his white, fluffy towel and carelessly throwing it aside. Food was next on his agenda – he was starving. After a ten mile run through the undergrowth of Ossus, he usually always felt like he could eat half the food in the mess hall. Problem was, most of the stuff was hardly edible. He was picky when it came to his food, one habit he did not want to shed. Thankfully, when he arrived in the mess, he was mostly alone.

“You smell good.”

Kyp jumped as he felt someone poke him in the ribs. He whirled around and glared at Jaina Solo whose smile lit up her entire face. “Don’t do that.”
“Oh, come on. Be happy for a change. You’ve been brooding all day and it doesn’t suit you at all.” She pointed at his forehead. “You get wrinkles in all the wrong places, hence you look old.”

“Thank you for that compliment.”

“Seriously. Will you smile for me? Just for a second?”

He scowled and shoved past her, his stomach growling to be fed.

“For a micro second then?” Jaina said, catching up with him. “Just a tiny little lift of the lips. Like this.” She grinned at him, exaggerating her point, which made her look like she could eat a banana sideways.

Kyp rubbed at his brow and for the life of him, he didn’t know why the muscles around his mouth moved on their own accord. He found himself smiling at his long time friend, at the daughter of the man who had saved his life.

Nearing the edge
Oblivious, I almost
Fell right over

“See how easy that was?” Jaina asked, grabbing his arm. “You should do that more often – it’ll make you feel better.”
Kyp rolled his eyes and shrugged her hand off. “I feel just fine. Thanks.”

A part of me
Will never be quite able
To feel stable

“Liar.” Jaina scoffed. “But I will leave you in your delusional state of mind.” Again, she grabbed his arm and pulled him towards the buffet at the end of the mess hall. As he’d suspected, the food looked poisonous to him, rather than enjoyable.

“Will you stop killing the food with that look? It’s already dead. It wants to be eaten.”
“Poor food then, huh?” Kyp chuckled at Jaina’s perturbed look but in the end, he settled for a simple dish with a few fruits on the side. He followed Jaina to a table and sat down opposite her, watching as she stuffed her mouth with cake.

“Hungry, are we?” He asked with a raised brow. She smiled at him, while she chewed.
“Always. Especially with this cake. You should try it.”

“I’m fine. Thanks.”

Kyp laughed at her narrowed eyes. Her face lit up though as her mind finally realized her friend had laughed. He never laughed on this day! It would usually take her stupid remark after silly deed after stupid remark to at least get him to crack a tiny smile.

“Eat, you stupid man.” She said after swallowing, pretending her fork to be a weapon as she waved it in front of his face.
“Yes, Goddess. As you wish.” He winked at her, leaning back in his chair. Although life was never simple, although life always pushed at you and laid stones in your way, there was always a bright spot somewhere. Be it a person making you smile or a simple, unconditional act of kindness – anything to brighten up a dark, gloomy day – in the end, it seemed, everything did turn out alright.

As I close my eyes
Steady my feet on the ground
Raise my head to the sky
And though time rolls by
Still I feel like a child
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up a little too soon

The Shadow (2nd POV Exercise)

2008-12-12T13:55:00.000-08:00

You look into a large marble basin of water, wanting to fling it across the room to let go of your rage for just a little while. And you ask yourself: What the hell am I doing here?
The answer is quite simple. You are forced to live the life of a nobleman because your father wills it so. Are you not man enough to stand up to your creator? Can you not show him who you really are? You feel the need to knock him around for once in your life; you feel the need to let your father know that there is more to you than just his woman-devouring son.
Yet you stare at your reflection with anger clouding your eyes and you fear him. Even after all these years, even after beginning your training as a Jedi Knight – you fear your father.
Now isn’t that kriffed up?
You step away from the basin and rake your hands through your hair, closing your eyes and fighting for a breath that will calm your nerves. The more you breathe, the more pictures assault your mind. You see yourself as a little boy wanting comfort from your parents. You’ve hurt your arm and you’re gushing blood on your fathers’ precious white stones in the foyer of their villa. Your nanny droid fetches the nurse but you don’t want the nurse’s comfort – you want your parents. Either one of them will do, you tell yourself. Yet deep down in your warm heart, you know that neither one of them will come.
The nurse tells you that your father is in a meeting and your mother has taken ill. Your mother is ill often in your young life and at one point you thought it was your fault because your father kept telling you what a naughty little boy you’ve been.
You stand in the foyer, screaming and crying because the pain is so great. You can barely feel your arm, barely feel your tears streaming down your chubby little face. You remember the crimson pool beneath your feet and you remember walking through it, conjuring up bloody footprints. The nurse forces you to hold still as she quickly examines your arm and then you’re heralded to the medical bay.
You remember your father coming to visit you while your arm still hurts. You expect him to smile, you expect him to hold you and comfort you but instead your dearest ever-loving father sneers at you. He complains about the mess you’ve made, he complains that the cleaning crew – including two new droids – are still busy cleaning up the blood you so carelessly spilled.
And this is the father you want to look up to? This is the man you are afraid of?
What the hell is wrong with you?
You leave the ancient fresher in the villa you’ve come back to visit. Your mother is ill again and she has asked for your presence. You love your mother – she means the universe to you because, even when you were scolded with your father’s so-called love, when your mother was well, she held you. Your mother sang to you and read you stories when you were a little boy. She drove back nightmares with a kind word and a loving gesture. Your mother is a kind soul at heart and she deserves nothing more than your complete loyalty and kindness in return.
Your mother’s chambers lay on the other end of the grand villa. You walk through the carpeted corridors, staring at the ancient paintings of your family heritage, at the large statuettes flanking the doors to your father’s study.
You stare at the large double doors and ask yourself if you should enter. He sits only a few feet away, the man that has managed to break you on so many levels. You have the chance to tell him what you think of him, to tell him how you feel. You have a choice to make.
Which will it be?
Which decision will you make? Will you turn your back on him again and let his shadow rule you for the rest of your life or will you finally be the man you think you are and pass through those doors to give the man calling himself your father a piece of your mind?
You listen to your heartbeat, counting in your mind, debating what to do. Why do you let fear cloud your judgment? Have the Jedi taught you nothing?
You remember the last time you came face to face with your father. The day he banned you from your home – the first time you ever had the guts to face him. You remember barging into the meeting room with a bloody torso and back. You had ventured to the village, after spending hours and hours in the ancient archives, skimming through old papers and heavy books. Treasures to your people. You remember an old leather bound volume with an ancient language you could hardly decipher. The symbols are beautiful to your eyes. You sully the book by ripping out a page about demons and you hurry into the village to find someone who would be willing to permanently ink your skin with the demon symbols.
When it was done, you sought your father. You showed him and his followers the son he had bred. A rebel Jedi trainee scarred with dark red demonic symbols. And why? Because you felt like it. Because in the height of juvenile stupidity you marred your body only to annoy your father. You remember laughing at him as he called his guards to escort his own son from the villa. And you never came back. Not until your mother begged for your presence because she had lost hope of ever recovering.
So what will it be? Will you face him?
You take a deep, quivering breath and step forward. Your sweaty palms touch the doorknobs and you push the double doors open. The study is dark and smells musty. A large desk stands in front of you, a small candle lit. Your father is not present.
You finally show courage and he messes it up by not being there to see it…tsk tsk…poor you.
You turn on your heel, your Jedi robe flapping in the air as you hurry down the corridor. You ignore the stares of your father’s working personnel as you hurry to your mother’s private chambers. You are angry with yourself and this anger fuels your need to see your father – you want to hurt him but you know that you can’t. Because you are not your father. You do not take pride in knowing that others cower before your feet. You are a decent human being and you are proud of being so.
But your father’s shadow will haunt you for the rest of your life if you do not face him.

Way Beyond

2008-12-12T13:20:00.000-08:00

Panting, he felt free. As if he had finally broken the waters’ surface after diving for far too long, drowning in a murkiness of hatred and lies.

“Stay away from me.” His voice was hoarse as he spoke, shaking his head while leaning against the cold wall within the cell.

“I’m here to help you.”

“Stay away from me!” He bellowed, reaching up to grip at his hair. He hurt, everything hurt and it was his own fault. Because he had trusted the wrong person, believed the wrong person and what had it gotten him? An endless road of despair. No one trusted him; no one even believed his claims that the Jedi Master was indeed no Jedi at all. He was darkness incarnate, evil thousands of years old.

An evil the people had forgotten and so it was easy for him to resurface and begin anew what had failed so many decades and generations ago.

“Please…you must leave. I am unclean.” He leaned his head back and squeezed his eyes shut. His own voice whispered within his head, clear words meaning to wake him up and show him the way to salvation. It kept telling him not to give up, to grasp hope and grasp the hands of those who wanted to help him; those who wanted to show him the path he needed to tread to become the person he once was.

Did he even want to be that person again? He had learned so much in the past year, he had gained so much potential – would he really be able to relinquish all this after tasting what it was like to have power?

You must look back to who you are. The boy from Dantooine – the man from Coruscant.

“I am unclean. I do not deserve help.”

Suddenly it all occurred to me
Lost as I am
There’s breathing room
On both sides me

He felt a feather light touch on his knee and he jerked away, afraid that his dark soul might sully the person claiming to help him. Could he even trust her? The last time he had trusted, he had killed.

And you liked it. You enjoyed every second of it – you enjoyed watching life seep from your victims’ eyes, you enjoyed watching the blood spill from wounds you inflicted. You enjoy killing.

“No.” He whispered, shaking his head. “No. I am not a murderer.”

You pretend to be a good and decent person. You are not.

“He tricked me.” He hissed between clenched teeth, pressing his palms to his eyes. He wished only that the voices would stop.

“Who tricked you?” the woman asked, gently stroking his knee with her thumb. Her kindness baffled him. He was dirty, unworthy of her help!

Suddenly I came to be lost in my head
A victim of anxiety

“He claimed to be my Master. He claimed he would show me the way to enlightenment.”

“What Master are you talking about?”

He narrowed his eyes, “The Jedi Master.”

She cleared her throat and it was obvious she did not believe him. Who would? After everything the Master had done to him, who would ever dare believe him?

“Tell me about this Master of yours.”

“He is no longer.” He snarled at her, for the first time consciously looking at her. She was an elderly woman, with blond hair pulled from her a wrinkly yet kind face. Her dark eyes shone with sympathy and an understanding he could not begin to fathom. “He showed me great things.” He let himself smile but it quickly faded. “He showed me a world beyond my wildest dreams.”

Guide me way beyond this
Way beyond this world
Thought you would
Guide me way beyond this
Way beyond this world

He chuckled and ran a hand through his long blond hair. “It’s hard to explain in common words. The Force –“

“The Force?” the woman asked softly, arching her perfect brows.

“Surely you know of the Force. It is what gives a Jedi his power.”

“Of course I’ve heard of it. It is legendary.”

He scowled at the words. “The Force is not a legend. It is real. I can feel it coursing through my veins as we speak.”

The woman cleared her throat and he saw doubt in her face now, an unspeakable truth that he was indeed insane. Surely he wasn’t! Not all this could have only been a dream!

“Tell me more about your Master.”

“He showed me evil and he showed me good. Things that I had not dreamed of before. I wanted to believe that I was doing good, cleansing the universe of demons and vile monsters. He taught me to use my anger and hatred to fuel the power within me.” His voice grew quiet as he closed his eyes, remembering the rampage and the blood. The needless killings…

“He lied to me. He damaged me.”

You taught me to face what I’ve never seen
Then you let me lie (It’s all been a game)
You taught me to hate above everything
Then you sold me lies (You’re not what you seem)
I’m trying to erase what you’ve done to me

The woman smiled sadly. “Damaged you how?”

“I have nightmares of killing the innocents. He said they were evil, they were following the Dark Side. He played with my mind and he used me because he couldn’t do it himself.”

“Why couldn’t he do it himself?”

“Because he doesn’t exist as flesh and blood.”

The woman looked away but not fast enough – he saw in her eyes what everyone else thought of him. That he was crazy. But he wasn’t crazy! “He came to me and he recruited me. And now he’s out to find someone else.”

“Does this Master have a name?”

He shook his head. “He never told me his name.”

The woman sighed and got to her feet, grabbing a chart from the floor. “I am sorry.” She whispered. “I am not the only one who must evaluate your case. There will be a hearing in two days time. Your fate will be decided then.”

He lowered his head between his knees and held his peace. What other choice did he have but to wait? Wait while others, who believed nothing of his story, decided if he were to live or die.

He had killed in the name of his Master – but no one had ever seen his Master. Nor had it been proven that he could indeed wield this Force.

The Force and the Jedi were a myth told to children before they were tucked into bed. Had the Jedi ever existed, they were extinct – so was the common knowledge of them.

His crimes could never be forgiven. His hands were red with innocent blood.

“You must not give up hope.” The woman whispered. “There are some of us who still believe in the old ways. Never give up hope.”

She turned on her heel and rapped on the cold, metal door. It swung open loudly, slamming closed and echoing within the enclosed space that he had called his home for the past few months. How long he would be locked up in this small cell, he didn’t know.

It might only be days, maybe weeks, maybe months – perhaps even years.

The common government did not care for the crazed. Lock them up and throw away the key, that was their overall motto.

So he sat back against the cold wall and waited.

If he were lucky, perhaps his Master would return and show him the way…

2008-11-28T08:15:00.001-08:00

My new lamp! Cost me fourty Euros -- I waited until it got cheaper. Woot for me.
Fits to the dark red walls now and the black furniture.

Now all I need are more Victoria Frances pics and I'm a happy woman. *grins*

The End

2008-09-13T05:10:00.000-07:00

The first thing Anakin Solo notices is the fresh, sweet smelling air around him. Slowly he opens his blue eyes, blinking away blurriness. His fingers curl into the cool, green grass, nails digging into dark earth. He lays on his stomach, breathing in the damp scent of nature – of life.

Anakin knows he is dead – he can feel it in his very being. He remembers the pain and the suffering before he blinked out of existence. He remembers the Vong and their conquest of the galaxy.

Slowly he pushes himself up into a kneeling position. The air is cool, a soft breeze dances with his hair, tickles his skin. Although covered by rolling clouds, a yellow sun warms the land, sunbeams sneaking outward, giving the light blue sky a touch of gold.

Anakin looks around, his eyes catching hills and mountains, covered with a carpet of green grass. A vast see reflects the magnificent golden sun.
To his left Anakin sees five large stone pillars along a dried-out walkway. The only walkway.

The pillars seem to be sentient-made, chipped along the sides as they curve upward, similar to an arrow.

Anakin scrambles to his feet, wondering where he is. He feels the Force around him, within him, penetrating him. Never before has he felt so much Force energy bundled up in one place. His skin tingles, itches as he takes hesitant steps.

He hears voices, whispers as he nears the stone pillars. The voices pummel him, bringing him to his knees. He winces as pain runs throughout his lean body. Slowly he steadies himself by placing his palm on the first stone pillar.

And suddenly he sees pictures that bring tears to his eyes.

He sees his mother holding him as an infant, smiling at him and laughing as the baby he had once been wriggles in her strong arms. Her dark eyes twinkle with admiration towards her little boy. He sees Leia sitting next to him in his playroom, her dark hair open and cascading around her shoulders like a beautiful chocolate waterfall. She sits and she plays with him, she makes faces and he laughs the laugh of an innocent child. He sees Leia leaning down to pick him up, ruffling his hair as he grips her with his small, chubby fingers. She whispers words he will never hear again, “I love you.”

Anakin stumbles back and breaths deeply. His blue eyes are alight with tears, his heart is beating in an uneven rhythm as he walks on, trying his best to let go of the sudden sadness gripping his very soul.

But the further he walks the more voices and whispers he hears. Sadness and shock grip his heart as he hears his father’s laughter, sees his roguish grin one last time. He sees Han showing him how to tinker with the Falcon, he sees Chewbacca roaring with laughter as Anakin accidently hits his father with a hydrospanner. He sees Chewie telling him a bedtime story after having deactivated C-3PO.
Anakin squeezes his blue eyes shut as the tears sting. He swears he will not cry. What for? He is dead – no one would care.

So he stumbles on, feeling sick to his stomach. His knees are weak and he keeps from falling when he holds onto the third stone pillar along the walkway.

Pictures of Jacen rush through his mind, of brotherly confrontations. He sees Jacen making fun of him, he sees him laughing at a silly remark Anakin had given him. He sees Jacen alone with his small zoo of animals. And he sees Jacen’s dark eyes filled with love for his younger brother.

Anakin falls to his knees and grips his shirt above his heart. The pain pierces through him, rolling within his body in waves of anguish.

His mouth opens in a silent scream and he fears that he cannot go on. He bends over, fisting his hands within the grass, his breathing ragged. But he forces himself back to his feet, he forces himself to go on.

Because Anakin Solo never gives up.

With the next step, with the next stone pillar, come pictures of his sister. Her dark eyes twinkle with joy as the young girl plays with him. Jaina smiling as Anakin reprogrammed the Nanny Droid and wanting to know how he had done it. His sister holding him in her arms, rocking him back and forth after a bad dream. Her soft voice as she told him fantastic stories of the Jedi Knights of old. His beautiful sister…

Anakin sniffs and wipes away the tears streaming down his cheeks. He lifts his blue eyes to the heavens above, admiring the golden lights fanning out through the dark clouds.

He only has a few more steps to go until he reaches the end of the walkway. But he cannot find the strength to do so. One more pillar… one more painful memory. Yet another reminder of what he has lost by dying.

He takes a breath and walks on. He has no other choice for there is only one way and he cannot return to what he was.

But his breath catches in his throat as he sees Tahiri. Her beautiful golden hair collecting around a perfect round face, green eyes beckoning him forward for a single and everlasting kiss. Her smile, that always made him weak in the knees, begs for one kiss – their first kiss, their last kiss.

He cannot grant her the wish. Because he is already dead. He must deny the woman he loves because he has died.

Heart heavy beneath his chest he steps forward one last time before the golden sun reaches down to envelope him in her everlasting warming arms. Anakin Solo is one with Force and yet he feels and he sees and smells. He is alive within the realm of the dead but he is dead in the realm of the living.

He wishes for another impossible chance at life – for another chance with the people he loves.

What I've done

2008-09-05T04:57:00.001-07:00

Green eyes stared back at him as Kyp Durron took a long, sorrowful look into the mirror.
His dark curls were plastered to his head, a few drops of still warm water pearling off his athletic body.

The expression on his face was one of carefully rehearsed contentment.
This was the face he let his friends and colleagues see.
But not one of them knew what Kyp Durron was like on the inside. None of them knew about his nightmares, about his fears and ultimately about his regrets.

What a beautiful lie he had built up around himself.

At times like these, he wished he had someone to talk to. Someone who could objectively listen to what he had to say, without the knowing look in their eyes of watching a murderer, a monster.

At times like these, he wished he could forget.

The universe around him was far too quiet; a quietness he knew he would never be able to get used to.
The calm made him edgy, allowed him to think.

And at this very moment, thinking was something he did not want to do.
All his thoughts, every inkling and fibre of his mind, took him back to the time where one mistake had changed his entire life forever.

He scowled at his reflection, as memories he had tried to repress resurfaced, trying to yet again torment his already torn soul.

Why could he not forget?
Why could he not let the past be?

A long sigh escaped his throat as he closed his eyes.
Because the past will always come back to haunt me.
Because I will never be able to justify what I’ve done.

“I don’t know if I can do this.” he whispered towards his reflection. “I don’t know how.”
Uncertainty was something Kyp had always had to grapple with. Even as a young boy he had felt awkward towards the other children his age, knowing deep down that something about him was different.
The only person he could really open up to had been his older brother, his best friend.

And when the Empire had taken Zeth away…

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to ignore the memories of his brother.

You’ll have to face yourself. One way or the other.

A cold shiver ran down his spine as he thought back to the spice mines of Kessel.

During the time his parents had still been alive it had been tolerable. When he had woken up he could look forward to at least being with a part of his loving family.

His mothers smile had warmed him and his fathers’ hugs had comforted him.

Even after so many years tears sprang to his eyes as he remembered their beautiful faces, their loving caresses.

And then they had died.

His own anguished screams still echoed within his mind. In his nightmares he could still make out their lifeless bodies as they lay on the cold floor.

His mothers beautiful dark eyes had still been open…

Kyp didn’t quite remember who had carried him away from the scene but when he had been able to think clearly again, he had found himself hiding in the dark tunnels.

That had been the first time he had vowed never to be helpless again. Never again would he let anyone try to harm him. He would fight as hard as his little body would let him.

Kyp now supposed it had been more than just sheer dumb luck that he had met an old woman who saw within him the Force potential he could now use to its full extent. He had thought her to be senile, an old beggars woman on the verge of her own death.

But to his utter astonishment, she had been correct. In times of need he could will certain things to happen. Small things, unimportant things, but nonetheless, it was his mind that willed it so.

It had taken many years before he had let himself hope again. He had considered himself a broken shell, living every single day the same, nothing to aspire to, nothing to be gained.

And then Han and Chewie had rescued him.

To this day he owed Han everything. He would gladly give up his life for Han Solo, his friend, his father figure.

Han had managed to give him a beginning of a decent life.

Kyp had been given the choice to join Luke Skywalker’s Jedi Academy and he had gladly accepted the invitation. At the beginning of his training he had appreciated everything the Jedi Master had done for him but the uncertainty he had carried along with him for so many years had turned into impatience and this had led to his greatest mistake.

While desperately seeking to be so much more, he had undergone training with the deceased Dark Lord of the Sith Exar Kun. The dark spirit seemed to know exactly what it was that Kyp had wanted. All Kyp’s questions had been answered, all doors seemingly opened for him to wander through.
Everything had seemed to be possible. Everything.

And the one thing he wanted more than anything, while succumbing to the Dark Side of the Force, had been revenge.
His first obligation had been to erase what was left of the Empire.

In his grasp he had held one of the many powerful weapons the Empire had ordered built.
How ironic it was that this weapon might have been their downfall, had things transpired they way he had then intended.
And while searching for his brother at the Imperial training Academy of Carida, in his angry twisted mind, he had pushed the button to destroy the system.
Killing his brother and every sentient being residing on the planet in the process.

I’m a murderer…

Again Kyp Durron gazed towards his reflection and wondered briefly what it was that he had become.

Were the majority of people correct in their assessment of him being a danger to society? Should he have been executed as so many had demanded?

It would have been the right thing to do.

He was glad that he was still alive. He could try to make amends this way, although it grew harder every day.

What’s the use? he asked himself. Who cares about what I do?
But deep down inside he yearned for acceptance. He wanted people to see him as Kyp Durron – the person who he really was – not the murderer of millions.

He wanted forgiveness.

He turned away from the mirror and headed to the living area. The windows were still open, a cool draft touching his damp skin as he gathered up his clothes to get dressed and settled onto the sofa.
Leaning back he closed his eyes, while trying to gain a small moment of peace, away from the menace he had been as a youth.

“I care about what you do.” said a deep voice, startling Kyp out of his reverie.

He sat back up and gazed across the room towards a tall figure leaning against the plain grey wall. Clad in black clothing, his short dark hair in casual disarray, the figures’ green eyes gleamed with a fierceness Kyp had almost forgotten.

“You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. What’s done is done.”

Kyp frowned and crossed his arms across his chest, “Either I’m completely losing my sanity or this is one hell of a bad dream.”

The figure shrugged and a small smile tugged at his lips, “Who knows? Maybe you’re dreaming, maybe you’re going crazy, maybe I’m just a Force projection. Fact is I’m here. That’s what counts.” He moved away from the wall and sat opposite Kyp on the sofa, his smile widening, “It’s been a while, huh? You’ve grown, little brother.”

Kyp ignored the remark, “Why are you here?” he asked softly.

Zeth shrugged, “You called, I guess. I mean, look at you. Sitting here all alone, sulking and whining about what’s happened in your life.” He held up a hand as he noticed Kyp’s dark look, “There’s nothing you can do about the past, Kyp. It’s over and done with. As hard as it may be, suck it up and live with it.”

Kyp had forgotten about one of the most annoying traits Zeth Durron had used to exhibit, always having something to say even if the situation warranted him to better be quiet.

“Easier said than done. You don’t know how people look at me, the way they treat me once they realize who it is they’re talking to.” He sighed, “I’ve lied so many times just to feel normal for a while. Self preservation, I suppose.”

Zeth chuckled, “You’re scared, and that’s all. You just don’t want to admit it.”

The younger brother scowled at him and Zeth laughed, “Feels like old times, doesn’t it?”

Kyp nodded and said with a laugh, “Yeah. Me wishing for you to shut up.”

“Is this any way to treat your brother you haven’t seen for so many years? Come on Kyp. Now’s your chance to be honest with yourself. Didn’t you want someone to listen to you? To believe what’s going on in that strange head of yours?” Zeth grinned, “That’s why I’m here.”

Kyp sighed and slowly shook his head, “I wish this were real, you know.”

Zeth shrugged, “I’m as real as you want me to be, little brother. And as long as you need me, I will be here for you.”

“I’m the reason you’re dead, Zeth!” Kyp suddenly shouted, his anger towards himself getting the best of him, “How can you be so calm about this?”

Zeth took a deep breath and let it out with an audible sigh, “I don’t mind having died, to tell you the truth. It’s different now but better.” His gaze wandered off towards the window. “I forgive you, you know.”

This caught Kyp off guard and he blinked, “What?”

“I forgive you.” Zeth said softly, “For everything you’ve done and for everything you’re going to do. I forgive you.” He paused for only a moment, letting what he had just said sink in, “And now it’s about time for you to do the same.”

Kyp slowly shook his head as he jumped to his feet and started pacing up and down the living area. “I don’t know if I can, Zeth. How can I forgive myself when the people I’ve hurt so badly would never even consider it?”

Zeth scowled at his younger brother, “It’s not about the others. This is about you.” He sighed, “Let me ask you this; how do you expect to live a halfway decent life if you keep hiding?”

“I’m not –“

“Yes, you are.”

Kyp turned away from his brother and walked to the window, gazing across the lighted landscape of the capitol. At night the city was so much more spectacular; a hive of never ending activity. Buildings seemingly built to reach the sky, traffic lanes as far as the eye could see and colourful lights making Coruscant seem like an amusement centre in itself.

“I try to keep a low profile.” the younger brother whispered, “I feel uncomfortable when people begin to recognize me.”

Zeth came to stand beside him, one hand ruffling his brothers’ damp hair, “Completely understandable. But you have to face them.”

Kyp sighed and nodded slowly, “I know.” He crossed his arms in front of his chest, “You’re right, Zeth. I am scared.”
It felt odd finally admitting what had been hovering in front of him all this time.

“To fear is perfectly normal.”

“I feel like a coward.” Kyp hissed under his breath, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

Zeth smiled reassuringly, “You’re not a coward, little brother. Every sentient being has to face their faults one way or the other. Some faults range higher than others but at the end, none of that matters. Facing your fears – facing yourself – is essential to life. Without being able to do so…how can one expect to live?”

They stood next to each other for a long while, neither one of them speaking, both deep in thought.
Kyp wondered what his life would have been like had the Empire never meddled into his life; or any life for that matter.
Would he have been happy on Deyer? Would he have still become a Jedi Knight?
Which road would Zeth have taken?
One thing he knew for sure; had he been given the chance at a decent life, he would not have been afraid.

“Do you remember the book Dad used to read to us when we were little?” Zeth suddenly asked, his gaze still sweeping the Coruscanti landscape.

Kyp smiled slightly, “Yes. Heaven’s Kingdom.”

“Be without fear in the face of your enemies.” Zeth began to recite, “Be brave and upright that God may love you. Speak the truth, always, even if it leads to your death. Safeguard the helpless and do no wrong. That is your oath.”

Kyp nodded, “That was your favourite part of the book. I remember.” He smiled, “You used to make Dad read to you every night.”

“I memorized half the book. And during all that time our family was ripped apart, those few words stuck in the back of my mind.”

Kyp took a deep and steadying breath. This talk of family was prying open wounds he wished so badly would heal.
His thoughts drifted back towards his mother. The last memory before they had been herded off to Kessel was one of happiness. A bright smile had lighted up her beautiful face and Kyp remembered vividly as she had gathered his small form up into he arms and had held him fiercely, as if somehow knowing everything would soon change.

With a sigh Kyp turned away from the window and let himself fall back down onto the sofa, “Words to live by.” he murmured turning his gaze back towards his brother.

“I don’t know if I’ll remember being here.” Zeth suddenly whispered, “I wish I could come visit more often.” He turned to face Kyp, “I have the feeling we won’t see each other again.”

Kyp smiled slyly, “I haven’t yet decided if you’re a figment of my imagination or the Force trying to send me a message.”

Zeth shrugged, “Maybe I’m a little bit of both.” He smiled then, a smile Kyp remembered had made girls go crazy, “But if you ever need someone to talk to, just close your eyes and picture me. I might even be listening.” He paused for a moment taking in his surroundings with a far away look in his eyes, “You’ve been given a second chance, Kyp. Make the best of it.”

Kyp closed his dark eyes and suppressed a shudder. Zeth was right, of course.
He had been given a second chance and the best he had done so far was sulk.
A frown creased his forehead.
Not only did he feel like a coward for running away from what he inevitably needed to face but throwing away what had been returned to him by people who apparently cared a great deal for him felt downright wrong.

And deep down inside he was ashamed to admit that it had been the words of his dead brother that had reminded him.

“Thank you.” Kyp whispered opening his eyes but as suddenly as Zeth had appeared, he had vanished.
He sat alone on the sofa, a long sigh escaping his throat, “Thank you.” he repeated and a slight smile surfaced on his face, “For everything.”

Once more he let his gaze sweep the scarcely furnished living area of his apartment, his thoughts going out to his family.
A picture of his parents floated into his mind, their eyes filled with joy as they watched their son grow old and happy. And a picture of Zeth with a big smile on his face, nodding towards his little brother with understanding showing in his eyes.

He got to his feet and grabbed his coat, “Whatever pain may come,” be said silently, remembering a short phrase out of the book Zeth had loved so much, “today this ends.”

He left his apartment vowing to let the past be and continue into the unwritten future.

*~*~ End *~*~

Best Things In Life

2008-09-05T04:56:00.003-07:00

“You do know you’re about to lose, right?” Mara grinned mischievously as she held the liquor glass to her mouth.

A small crowd had gathered around their table, a few of the people even cheering them on. She supposed it was not an every day occurrence that two Jedi Masters held themselves something of a drinking match.

But it was not just a contest to her.

No, Kyp Durron had challenged her. And she would teach her fellow Jedi that challenging Mara Jade was not a very clever move.

She cocked her head to one side after she had downed her drink, satisfied at the sight that met her eyes.

Kyp was leaning against his chair, one arm draped over the back, trying to seem nonchalant. But he wasn’t doing a very good job at it. Even without using the Force, Mara was an ace when it came to evaluating human beings and just now, she very well knew that Kyp Durron was drunk.

As stubborn as the younger man was, there was no way he would voluntarily back down and give in to defeat. Especially when his opponent was Mara Jade.

And so he took the next liquor shot into his hand and downed the spicy drink in one motion.
He had a blank expression on his handsome face but Mara had the feeling that Kyp wasn’t doing well at all. His skin color had paled noticeably during the last half hour and she could see perspiration collecting on his forehead.

Mara took a hold of the next glass, threw her head back and emptied it to the last drop. To emphasize her point, she turned the glass upside down, her smile widening as a serving droid came their way, a tray attached to its torso, carrying yet another batch of the dark alcoholic beverage.

Kyp sat up straight but held on to the table with a firm and tight grip. His eyes darted towards the five small glasses now in front of him and his expression changed ever so slightly. Mara had the feeling Kyp knew that this time, he would not succeed. And knowing him, it was eating him up inside.

“Give it up, Kyp!” Mara said amusement evident in her voice, “I can take at least another two rounds of this!”

But Kyp shook his head adamantly, “Don’t believe you.” His speech was slurring just a bit, “I won’t give up.”

Mara shrugged, “You’re the one who’ll be kissing the ‘fresher all night.”
The next shot went down in under a second. Her green eyes darted over to her assailant who took up the next glass and held it to his mouth. He closed his eyes for a moment and Mara wondered what it was that was going through his head.

She counted to three and still he sat there, unmoving, the glass yet to be emptied.
“You know, to win this challenge, you’ll have to drink up.” She reminded him with a grin on her face. She perched her elbows unto the table, laying her chin onto her palm and giving him the sweetest look she could muster.

“Shut up.” Kyp said and swallowed every last bit of the liquor. But for the first time since the challenge had started, his face twisted up in disgust.

Yes, Mara was absolutely positive that she would win.

By the end of the evening, Kyp was no longer accessible.

They had just begun their last round when he had suddenly lain his head down onto the table with a loud thump and ceased to move.

Admittedly Mara wasn’t feeling too well herself. The cantina was starting to swim and she could have sworn that there was a slight ground quake somewhere in the vicinity.

Or maybe it was just her head…

She got to her feet after slowly pushing away from the table and walked towards Kyp. Satisfied that he was still breathing she tried to wake him.

“Kyp!” she called but he still did not move.

The crowd around them had dispersed after Mara had evidently won the match and the two Jedi were now alone in the back of the darkened cantina. Music was blaring in the background and people were mulling around. They hardly took notice to two very drunk individuals, one of them hardly being able to walk straight.

“Kyp! Wake up!” she called again, punching his upper arm.

He made a noise that resembled a groan but otherwise kept quiet.

Mara’s next punch was harder but he didn’t seem to care much. To her dismay, she had to hold on to the downed Jedi’s clothing or else she would have fallen to her knees.

The ground quake was getting more violent by the minute…

“We need to get out of here, Kyp.” She yelled into his ear and she was delighted to see his eyes open.

“Can’t.” – was his only reply and he buried his head into the crick of his elbow still lying on the table.

And then suddenly she heard him snore. He sounded like a wild animal off a backwater planet and Mara caught herself laughing.

One hand still holding on to Kyp’s clothes, she steadied herself against the chair with her other hand. And she couldn’t stop laughing.

She pushed at Kyp’s limp body and when again he didn’t respond, she punched him. As hard as her tired muscles would let her, she kept punching him until his eyes fluttered open and he sat up.

“Ow!” he yelled at her, “Stop hitting me, woman!”

But Mara hardly understood him. Not only was she still laughing too hard and the music was excessively loud but Kyp’s speech was severely impaired.

“We have to go.” Mara called hoping to be heard over the noise. She pointed to the exit, wishing she hadn’t, since the ground began to move again.

She had let go of the chair and if Kyp hadn’t gotten up on time to catch her, she would have fallen to the ground.

He held her for a moment, his head spinning and together they dragged themselves to the exit.
Outside the air was cool and both of them were astonished as they realized it was already getting lighter. The streets were slowly filling with other pedestrians and traffic zoomed by up above but Mara’s laughter droned out any other noise.

“What’s so funny?” Kyp asked with an annoyed edge to his slurry voice.

Mara straightened up and tried standing still but everything was spinning wildly and she clutched at her fellow Jedi with all her strength.

“I’ll fall.” She said as if it were reason enough that she was about to strangle him with his own clothing.

“Home?” Kyp asked and Mara nodded before breaking out into laughter again.

They had tried to walk a few meters before a beeping sound suddenly halted them in mid stride.

It was a persistent tone, an annoying tone and it took a very, very long moment before Kyp finally realized that it was his com link stashed in the inside pocket of his jacket.

Mara bit down on her lip to stop from laughing as Kyp activated the small piece of technology and held it to his lips. She noticed that he was swaying back and forth a bit.

“Hello?” Kyp asked in a high-pitched voice dragging the word a little too long, making Mara burst out into laughter again.

“Uh…Master Durron?”

He nodded as if the person on the other line could see him, “Yeah. What’s up?” He didn’t recognize the voice, only that it was male.

“I’m sorry to have to disturb you this early, but I need a favor.”

Kyp gazed down towards Mara who was still clutching at his clothes. Her weight was pulling him down to the ground ever so slightly.

“Anything my old friend!” Kyp called into the com link, stifling a laugh as he watched Mara slowly sliding to her knees. She began to giggle, clapping her hands in front of her mouth, hoping the other person on the com link couldn’t hear her.

“Is this a bad time?”

Kyp shook his head as Mara took his hand and pulled him down to the pavement. The two of them sat side by side, Mara biting down on her lip, her shoulders bobbing up and down in silent laughter.

“Nope. Not. At. All.” He took a loud steadying breath – a sigh of sorts – as if, at that very moment, he had remembered that he was a respected Jedi Master, a patron people looked up to.
He wrinkled his forehead in an exaggerated gesture of concern and cleared his throat. “What can I do for you?”

Mara noticed his voice sounded deeper than usual and she realized that he was faking it to sound sober. She buried her head into his jacket and couldn’t help but laugh again.

“Remember where we left the shipment I’d ordered?” the voice asked with a chuckle. Mara wasn’t doing very well with concealing her laughter. “Docking bay 3569-CA?”

“Uh…” Kyp put his com link aside and gazed down at his very drunk friend, “Do you know what he’s talking about?”

Mara looked up, tears in her eyes and grinning widely, “I have no idea.” She whispered shaking her head.

He cleared his throat and spoke into the com link again, “Sure. Why?”

“I need you to pick it up. They won’t let me near it due to age regulations and that nonsense. Can you do that for me? I need it by mid day.”

“A mission!” Mara suddenly hissed while sitting back up, “We’re going on a mission!”
Kyp frantically waved at her, a gesture for her to be quiet but Mara ignored him as she tried getting back to her feet.

“Who’s that?” the voice on the other end asked.

“A friend.” Again he cleared his throat, “Consider it done!” he called a little too loudly and he cut the connection.

Mara was swaying back and forth, steadying herself on Kyp’s shoulder who still sat on the cold pavement.

He tried getting up but it was a difficult task while Mara was gripping at him as if her life depended on hit.

“Now what?” he asked when he had finally gotten to his feet. The two of them held on to each other before slowly walking down the street towards the inner city.

“Mission!” Mara said again with a smile on her face, “What he just said.” She pointed to the com link Kyp still held in his hand. As if just now noticing it, he stashed in back into his pocket with a confused look on his face.

“I don’t even know who that was.”

Mara laughed again and reached up to pat Kyp’s head, “You’re so cute, you know that?”
Kyp grinned, “You’re so drunk, you know that?”

She nodded pointing at his chest, “So are you!” she said playfully. Taking a deep breath, she let it out with an audible sigh and her former cheery face suddenly fell, “I don’t feel too well.”

She stopped walking and put one hand to her stomach, “No. Don’t feel good at all.”
“Let’s take you home then.”

The cool morning air was doing its best to clear Kyp’s mind and he was fairly certain that he would at least make it home in one piece.

At least he hoped so.

“No mission?” Mara asked in a low voice, sounding more like a little girl denied her favorite toy.

Kyp shook his head, “No mission. Not today. In two days maybe. Once I’ve woken up.”
Mara laughed lightly, “You want to sleep two days?”

“I’ll try.”

Slowly they kept walking, ignoring the looks other patrons were giving them. Indeed, it was a very strange sight seeing two very famous individuals, two celebrated Jedi, not being able to stand, let alone walk, properly.

But sometimes even Jedi needed a few hours of fun.

~End~

I Love You

2008-09-05T04:56:00.001-07:00

It was a beautiful evening in the capitol.

Kyp Durron shifted his gaze towards the window but hardly acknowledged the magnificent view of the colorful city landscape.

Pacing back and forth in his living area, he took a deep, steadying breath and nodded to himself, “I’m a Jedi.” He whispered, “I’ve been through so much crap, I can do this.” He let out an audible sigh and shook his head. His heart was pounding beneath his chest; he could feel the rhythmic beating in his throat.

The nervousness spread throughout every fiber of his body and he tried a Jedi technique to calm his nerves. He felt nauseous when he let various scenarios of the evening cross his mind. He shoved the unwanted scenarios into the back and took yet another deep breath, “No time better than the present.” He whispered, as he absent mindedly patted the pocket of his jacket.
He left his apartment with a smile on his face, the nervousness growing with every step he took towards the turbo lift.

Nelia Alden took another look at her wrist chrono and sighed inwardly. She was early, as usual. One of her many inconvenient habits, was being overly punctual. With this habit came impatience and this did not bode well when waiting.

Slowly she made her to the meeting place, a large public balcony that overlooked the Senatorial District. At night the view from here was breathtaking and now with the festivities going on, the night sky was alight with banners, light projections and still there was more than enough traffic to think half the galaxy had no where else to go.

She distracted herself with watching other pedestrians strolling past, most of them chatting loudly, eating or drinking – all in all, having fun. It was the first day of the New Year’s Fete Week and it seemed to Nelia that the entire planet was celebrating. It wasn’t every day that one saw all sorts of beings mingle together and at times like this she actually enjoyed being on Coruscant.

Again she glimpsed her chrono and grimaced. Fifteen more minutes of waiting impatiently because she didn’t feel like waiting at her apartment. She started walking up and down the short walkway where she would be meeting up with Kyp.

Thinking about the older man made her smile.

She had met him almost four years earlier and quite by accident. Deep in thought and consulting her data pad, she hadn’t been paying attention while walking and had bumped into him. She would never forget the first time she saw those beautiful, light green eyes; his smile as he picked up the data pad she had dropped and handed it back with a stupid remark.

Next time, watch where you’re going…

But he had kept smiling and that’s when Nelia had fallen head over heels for him. She had taken it upon herself to find out more about this mysterious, handsome man. Perhaps it had been fate or maybe just sheer luck, but the very next day she had passed him while walking to work.

“Seize the moment!” Her father had always said and she did. They started talking, with occasional flirting in between and Kyp had asked her out for lunch.

Nelia’s smile widened as she thought back to the first few dates they had gone out on. She had felt like a teenager again; it had felt like an adventure, being together with one of the famous Jedi of the Order.

Nowadays she didn’t much care about Kyp’s occupation. It was the man he was, the man hardly anyone else really knew, that she loved with all her heart.

To pass the time she shifted her gaze back towards the mob of beings, watching a group of costumed children running around with plastic blasters and lightsabers.

She sighed as she let her mind wander, hoping that Kyp would arrive on time.

Kyp rounded a corner and hurried towards the meeting place where Nelia was no doubt already waiting on him. He caught sight of her, and he stopped in his tracks, watching her for just a single moment and asking himself – as he had done so many times in the past – what he had done to deserve such a beautiful and wonderful woman.

Dark curls framed a heart shaped face, her eyes reminded him of the darkest Corellian brandy and her smile could melt any man’s heart.

He walked on, while trying to steady his radical heart beat with yet another breath of fresh air. Not even Jedi calming techniques were helping him much.

She was facing the other way, her attention drawn to something Kyp couldn’t see. He smiled to himself as he slowly came closer, encircling her waist from behind and whispering in her ear, “Hello there, beautiful.” He took in the sweet smell of her perfume and closed his eyes as she leaned against him.

He heard her chuckle as she turned around in his arms, pulling him towards her. Their lips met in a long, passionate kiss; the kiss of lovers who hadn’t seen each other in several days, the kiss of lovers who knew they were meant to be together.

“Miss me?” Kyp asked as he held her at arms length, admiring her beauty.

Nelia nodded, her loving smile not once leaving her features, “Of course.” She hugged him then, grabbing his jacket in both her hands. She felt content just holding him then and there and she wished this very moment could last forever.

“I was worried, too.” She whispered and heaved a sigh of relief, “I’m glad you’re back.”
“Come on.” Kyp took Nelia’s hand and seemed not to be able to hide his grin, “I have a surprise for you.” He pulled her towards the ever growing mob of beings and slowly they made their way towards a small park area at the outskirts of the Senate District.

They kept pace with the other pedestrians and took a short cut. It was suddenly eerily quiet and Nelia then really noticed how dark this region of the city could be and why she never ventured out alone.

Kyp stopped suddenly and without a word he gathered her up into his arms and kissed her again. She moaned softly as a shiver ran down her spine, her hands playing with locks of his dark hair, as his lips touched the hollow of her throat.

He pulled back and smiled at her, taking a hold of her hand and leading the way to where ever it was he was taking her.

A few people passed by but took no notice of them and as they arrived in the park area, Nelia was surprised to see the place almost empty. She followed Kyp further, taking in her surroundings, curiosity growing as they walked on.

A giggle escaped her throat as she caught sight of a large blanket laid across the grass. Kyp gestured for her to sit and he plopped down beside her.

He laid his arm across Nelia’s shoulders and he was at a loss for words. Being with her seemed like moments out of a dream; how many times had he asked himself if all this was real?

Next to him sat a woman who didn’t care about his past, who didn’t care what people whispered behind her back.

Next to him sat the one person who could easily deal with his attitude but who could just as easily make him shut up in an instant.

It seemed so perfect.

Nelia noticed Kyp’s lack for words and gave him a quizzical look, “Are you alright?”
He nodded and swallowed a lump that was forming in his throat, “Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”
Nelia shrugged, “I don’t know. You’re so quiet.”

Kyp chuckled and cupped her face in both his hands, leaning forward to place another kiss onto her full lips. “We have all the time in the world to talk.” He whispered, the flashing colorful lights of the festivities reflected in his dark eyes.

Nelia jumped when there was a loud crashing sound from above and it took her a moment to realize that fireworks were starting up. Kyp’s grin widened, “Don’t worry, I’ll protect you.”
Playfully she pinched him in his arm. She grew worried instantly when she returned her gaze back to him. There was an austere look on his face, but his eyes told her a different story.
“Kyp, are you sure you’re alright?”

“I love you.” He suddenly said, while taking her hands. She already knew that he loved her, he’d stated so many many times before but something in the way he said it sounded different this time.

Her heart began to race.

“Since we’ve met, “ Kyp continued, “you’ve irrevocably changed me.” His eyes never left her face, “You’ve seen me at my best and you’ve seen me at my worst. You’ve never doubted me and you’ve always been there for me when times got rough.”

Nelia blinked as she listened to the words Kyp was saying, her heartbeat accelerating.
“I know that you understand me, when others don’t. You make me laugh and you make me reflect. You’ve stayed at my side all this time, waiting for me, even though I’m away so often. ” He looked away for just a moment, his gaze shifting to the brightening sky as blue and green colors lit the hemisphere.

“I love you for all this and so much more.” He continued, his voice only a whisper and Nelia tried holding back tears. “There is no doubt in my mind that we are meant to be with one another. And therefore I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

He reached into his pocket and withdrew a tiny, black case and held it out for her. When he flicked it open, Nelia held her breath. The tears she had been trying to hold back ran down her cheeks as she took in the beautiful piece of jewelry – a gold ring with a dark blue gem stone, her favorite color.

“Will you marry me?”

He slipped the ring onto her finger and she nodded, “Yes.” She whispered and she threw herself onto her future husband, hugging him fiercely.

They shared a long kiss under a beautiful, colorful lit sky and knew that whatever came there way, they would make it together.

The Reason

2008-09-05T04:55:00.001-07:00

A long sigh escaped Kyp Durron’s throat. To say that this day had been tiring would have been an understatement.

Jedi council meetings tended to end in long discussions, the Masters arguing every point on the Grand Masters list.

One of the topics had been to voluntarily visit a small planet on the Outer Rim; rumors had it there was a rogue Jedi on the loose. But since all Jedi were accounted for, it gave reason to investigate. Kyp had stayed in the back, not feeling like speaking up to any of the topics. He made sure that he listened to everything being said but he didn’t much care.

His mind was elsewhere.

In the end it was Corran who volunteered to search for this ominous Jedi. Corran seemed to enjoy these sorts of missions. Sitting around in a ship hours at end, asking question to follow leads. A line of work Kyp disliked; it lacked action.

Kyp lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling, his mind wandering. Too many times had he asked himself what he would give up to turn back time, or at least have time stand still for a little while. Just long enough for him to collect himself, to think back on things that had happened.

Just to be.

He needed someone to talk to and he knew who this person would be. Even though they had parted ways only a few hours earlier, he longed to be near her again. If Kyp had his way, he’d stay with her forever.

But forever wasn’t an option.

Slowly he sat up, stretching his tired muscles. He couldn’t remember the last time he had had a decent night of sleep and it was taking its toll on him. When he took a look at his reflection in the mirror, he was astounded how much he’d aged in the past few months.

Lines, he was sure hadn’t been there before, made him look permanently on edge; as if by uttering one wrong word Kyp would lash out.

Depending on his mood, it might even be true.

He got to his feet and took a deep breath. Yes, he’d visit his one true love again. He went to see her every day; the one person who knew him in and out, the one person who scolded him without fear in her eyes. She would make his dark day turn bright again.

And with this thought in the back of his mind, he left his quarters at a quick pace.

He stopped at a florist to buy her favorite flowers. Dark red roses, her favorite color. She had once said the color reminded her of the essence of life. And every time he saw these roses, he would buy a few for her, just to see a beautiful, wide smile surface on her face.

The scent was sweet and strong, almost intoxicating. She always set the roses on the dining table because she loved the smell. Kyp had to get used to it at first but as time went by, he enjoyed the scent.

He walked on to their usual meeting spot. Kyp knew she’d be there; she always was.

And as he set one foot in front of the next, he let his mind wander again. He thought back to their life together.

He stopped in his tracks and took a deep breath, closing his eyes. He didn’t know if he’d ever forgive himself for hurting her so many times. Sometimes it would be the things he had said – things he regretted thereafter – while arguing with her; sometimes it would be because he was never home. The Jedi needed him and he would leave with only a kiss and a hasty good bye.

He had never meant to make her cry. And he would never forgive himself for doing so.

He walked on and thought back to all the times they had laughed together. As it is with every relationship, everyone has their ups and downs. The times she had smiled at him, the times she had laughed at and with him; he would cherish these memories until he took his last breath.

He took a quick look at his chrono; yes, she’d be waiting on him. The sun was shining, the wind was cool; the perfect weather for yet another get together to reminisce on the happy days they had had together.

As he neared his destination his heartbeat quickened. He could see the gates from where he was standing. This was always the hardest part; having to pass the gates to see his beloved. Taking a deep breath he hurried through, his eyes fixed on his surroundings.
Flowers were blooming in so many different colors, birds were singing and the cool breeze ruffled his hair. It was a beautiful day.

She would have loved this. She would have stood by his side, either holding his hand or holding on to his arm and they would talk in hushed voices and silently laugh. They would kiss and pretend that everything was perfect.

Kyp slowed his walk and turned to a beautiful and elaborately crafted headstone; dark red, the color of the essence of life. The writing on the stone was her own; she had chosen this very stone before falling asleep, to never again wake up.

He placed the roses on the ground and clasped his hands behind his back.
She had been gone for almost one year now and the void she left seemed to grow larger with every passing second. He fought back tears but to no avail.

He didn’t know how he managed to live day after day without her by his side. But he had promised that he would continue on, that he would live his life to the fullest. He tried his best to keep his promise but it was so very hard.

She had been his reason for changing. She had been his reason for starting a new and better life; his reason for being.

And now she was gone. And he wasn’t. He was left alone with trying to fight back the pain of losing his reason.

He closed his eyes, tears trailing down his cheeks.

Kyp missed her terribly; the grief tore a hole in his soul. He missed her laugh, the sparkle in her eyes when she was happy. He missed her soft touch, her beautiful voice. He missed absolutely everything about her.

Taking a deep, quivering breath he opened his eyes and forced a smile.

“I love you.” He whispered , “And I know you’re doing better.”

He paused, the breeze even colder when touching his moist face, “But I wish you were here. I miss you so much, sweetheart.” His voice trailed off and he shifted his gaze to the beautiful, cloudless blue sky, “I need you.” He closed his eyes and reached out with the Force, hoping to maybe a find her presence among the millions of beings within the Force.

The breeze picked up around him and instantly he knew it was her. As she had promised, she was there waiting for him. She always was and she always would be.

“I love you, Jaina.” He whispered, her breeze caressing his face. “I love you.”

A Day In The Life Of A Jedi Family Man

2008-09-05T04:51:00.000-07:00

His green eyes fluttered open as his brain slowly began to comprehend the silly dream he had been having. Kyp’s youngest daughter had been humming an annoying children’s song the day before and his subconscious had made one hell of an ugly Kowakian Monkey Lizard sit atop a large tree, singing the song over and over and over again.

Sighing he sat up, leaning against the head board of his bed, longingly patting the empty space beside him. He heaved a sigh, reminding himself that his wife would soon be returning from a well earned vacation he had given her as a gift.
She had been gone for almost a week and he had been forced to be the family man, taking a leave of absence from the Jedi Order and trying his best not to lose his sanity.

He rubbed his eyes, throwing the covers aside and stretching his tired muscles. Here and there he heard soft popping sounds and again wished his wife was there to give him one of her splendid massages.

Stifling a yawn and walking on tiptoes, he made his way through the hall, first stopping at Thena’s door. The five year old lay huddled under her blanket, her stuffed bantha in her small hands and snoring softly. Light brown curls fell into her round face and again Kyp was astounded at how much she looked like her mother.
Satisfied that all was well, he walked on, stopping in front of his oldest son’s room, not even needing to open the door to know that the boy was sleeping. His loud snores wafted throughout the entire hall and Kyp walked on with a raised eyebrow. For a moment he wondered where Kaleb got it from; Kyp knew for a fact that he never slept that loud…

A few steps further down the hall, Kyp again halted, this time in front of his oldest daughter’s room, Kaleb’s twin sister. The door was slightly ajar and Kyp frowned as he heard nothing, not even the slightest soft breathing.
Instead – and he closed his eyes for composure as he realized this – he heard something from the living area.

Taking a deep and steadying breath he listened closely and having been young himself, recognized the sounds of kissing immediately.

Kyp debated what to do next; he asked himself what his wife would do. He even went as far and asked himself what Luke Skywalker would do if he had caught Ben with a girl in his living room at four o’clock in the morning.

Sighing and closing his eyes for a split second – inwardly getting ready for whatever was to come –, he took a step towards the living area, raising a hand to touch the light switch.

On the one hand Kyp thought it was funny, being the one to break up the two teens on his sofa. The startled looks both of them gave him was a picture he would most likely never forget. But on the other hand, there was a strange boy in his apartment, halfway on top of his little girl, his hands in places he didn’t even want to think about…

“Dad!” Rhea jumped off the sofa, one hand straightening the too-short black skirt she wore. Kyp cocked his head to the left, temporarily forgetting the boy and staring wide eyed at the lack of clothes his daughter had on her skin.

“What are you wearing?” Kyp asked, his tone neutral as he crossed his arms in front of his chest. He refrained from tapping his foot, instead arching a dark eye brow.
Rhea shrugged, suddenly feeling self-conscious, crossing her arms in front of her nude midsection, “Uh…clothes, Dad.” She cleared her throat, trying to change the subject with a smile, “I didn’t think you’d be up this early.”

“Clothes?” he echoed, ignoring her, “That skirt looks more like a damned pot holder, to me.” He frowned, his eyes taking in the boy still seated on his couch. “Who the hell are you?” he demanded and the boy flushed. Dark blond hair was spiked up at least ten centimeters and the tips were frosted black. The boy wore ear rings and make-up.

Kyp wondered how many tattoos he already had, symbolic to his crime files…
In a fluid motion he stood up, “Jaered.” He paused before adding a silent “sir”.
“Leave.” Kyp pointed towards the door.

“Dad, no! Calm down!” Rhea shook her head adamantly, a few strands of dark hair leaving the bunched up ponytail at the top of her head.

Kyp frowned, anger rising as well as his voice, “I wake up and find you here with a strange guy, half naked making out in my apartment, on my sofa? And you expect me to stay calm?!”

While saying this, his eyes drifted over to Jaered who was standing next to Rhea, the look on his face one of silent fear.

“It’s…” Rhea sighed, “It’s not what it looks like.” Her voice was barely audible as the lame excuse echoed in her ear, “Please, Dad, can’t we just talk about this?”
“No. Out!” He was only a micro second away from pushing Jaered out of his apartment but it seemed the boy had more brains than Kyp had thought and he nodded and made his way to the door.

Rhea hurried behind him and Kyp rubbed his hands over his face.

“You didn’t tell me your Dad was a Jedi!” he heard Jaered hiss and despite himself Kyp had to chuckle.

“I didn’t think it was important.” Rhea answered.

“Well, it is!” there was a definite note of fear in Jeared’s voices, “Your Dad could split me in half!”

Rhea laughed, “He could not. The things you hear on the holonet are exaggerations, you silly boy.”

And there they went on with kissing. Frustration settled in and Kyp closed his eyes again and took another deep breath. And another. And another.

When Rhea finally returned, she stood her ground and began tapping her foot on the ground. She got that from her mother.

“Dad, you just totally embarrassed me!” she shouted, tears in her dark eyes.
Kyp gave her an unbelieving stare and was about to respond when Kaleb entered the living room, rubbing sleep from his eyes. He was still wearing the same wrinkled clothes from the day before and Kyp silently wondered if the boy ever changed. “What’s all the screaming about?” he asked, yawning loudly.
“Dad’s being an ass, that’s what!”

Kyp’s eyes widened and he finally decided to take on the stance his wife always used in situations like this; hands on his hips and tapping his foot on the ground, he stared Rhea down, “How is that you think you’re in a position to argue with me?”
Kaleb rubbed his eyes some more and chuckled as he took in his sister’s new set of clothes, “You are so in for it, sis.” He turned around and still yawning, went back to bed.

“You know what?” Kyp said, throwing his arms up in defeat, “We’ll talk about this in the morning.”

“It already is morning, Dad.” Rhea said, pouting.

Kyp nodded, “Yeah, about that. I distinctly remember telling you to be home by midnight, correct?”

Rhea didn’t say a word but the trembling of her lower lip suggested she was close to breaking down crying.

“Well, since I was still up past midnight, consider yourself grounded for the remainder of the week.”

“But, Dad –“

He held up a finger, “No buts. Now get to bed.”

Defiantly crossing her arms in front of her chest, she hurried past her tired father. The door to her room closed and Kyp could hear her quiet sobs. He felt sorry for her but he felt even sorrier for himself at that moment.

“How do you do it?” he asked aloud, for the hundredth time wishing his wife was home.

Thena sat at the table, her short legs swinging back and forth, barely touching the carpeted floor. With a spoon in her hand and in between looks at the entertainment system –the same show with the same song as the day before on repeat –, she stuffed breakfast into her mouth, trying to chew too much at the same time.

Rhea grimaced as she watched her sister spit half her cereal back into her bowl. “That’s disgusting.”

Thena, still holding her stuffed toy in the other hand, grinned a toothy smile, “It’s fun.” She said.

Kaleb slouched into the living area, dressed in a long white shirt and sandy brown pants, a belt fastened around his narrow hips. He looked more like his father than he wanted to.

Rhea frowned at her brother, “Where are you going?”

“Meeting some friends.” Kaleb passed by the kitchen counter, grabbed a piece of fruit and took a deep bite, “Where’s Dad?” he asked in between chewing and swallowing.

“Taking a shower.” Thena answered, her dark eyes still glued to the entertainment system. A large, yellow and green dotted bantha cub jumped through the hologram, a bunch of kids behind it and all of them began their song anew.

“Isn’t it kind of early to be meeting your friends now?” Rhea asked, taking a sip of her Jawa juice. Kaleb snorted, “Says the girl who stayed out aaaaaaall night and comes home with the jerk who wants to get laid.”

Thena frowned, “You brought a boy home?”

Rhea ignored her, getting to her feet to defend Jaered, “He’s not a jerk! He’s a good guy, for your information.”

Kaleb, still chewing, jumped onto the kitchen counter and nodded, “Yeah, I bet.”
“What’s laid?” Thena asked in an innocent voice, eyeing her brother. Kaleb waved her question away, “I’ll you tell you when you’re older.”

Thena shrugged, her attention fixated back onto her yellow and green dotted bantha cub.

A few minutes later Kyp emerged from the bathroom, his wet hair bound together in the nape of his neck. Instead of his usual Jedi robes, he had chosen civilian attire, a dark blue shirt with dark pants.

“Good morning.” He said, giving each of his children a peck on the cheek. Well, except Rhea.

She turned her back to him, putting on her pouty face again. Kyp ignored her, pouring himself a cup of caf and enjoying as the bitter liquid found its way down his throat.

“Uh…Dad?” Kaleb asked, jumping off the kitchen counter and stealing Rhea’s juice. He gulped it down, ignoring her stare, “I need fifty credits.”

A perfect morning would have played out a little differently, in Kyp’s opinion. A long, hot shower – preferably a bath even – with a wonderful, tasty breakfast and warm caf on the side. The sun would be shining, his children would behave and would be quiet and there would be no annoying and nerve wracking children songs.

Kyp sighed, “For what?” he asked, finishing his cup and pouring himself another.
“I’m meeting a few friends in about an hour. We wanted to hang out.”
Kyp arched an eyebrow, “What about your allowance?”

Rhea chuckled, “Spend it all, no doubt.”

Kaleb narrowed his eyes at his sister, “I used it all up for speeder parts.” He cleared his throat, “I’ll pay you back. You know I will.”

Kyp made a face and handed him the credit chit, he had stashed in his back pocket.
“Thanks!” Kaleb exclaimed, hurrying back into his room to collect his shoes.
“That’s so not fair!” Rhea said, getting to her feet and trying to stare her father down, “He always gets everything he wants!” She stormed out of the kitchen and headed to her room.

Kyp sighed, taking another gulp of caf.

“Dad?” Thena asked, finally taking her eyes off the yellow and green dotted bantha cub, to sweetly smile up towards her father.

“What is it, sweetheart?”

“What’s laid?”

Kaleb had left shortly after having breakfast and Rhea had locked herself inside her room, listening to something she considered to be music. To Kyp’s ears it was noise, nothing more.

He knocked on Rhea’s door a few times, asking her politely to turn down the “music”. He didn’t know if she didn’t hear him or if she chose not to but he was slowly getting fed up with his daughter’s attitude.

He thought to himself, if they would ever think about renovating, he’d make sure the place was soundproofed.

Heaving a sigh and returning back to the living area – he had finally persuaded Thena to shut off the entertainment system – he sat down in front of his com console und dialed up the janitorial frequency. A young man about Kaleb’s age answered, the look on his face one of boredom. Kyp supposed it was the newest sickness taking over the galaxy’s young people: boredom.

“I need you to do me a favor.” Kyp said, one hand going through his dark hair, “Could you cut the power to only one room in the apartment?”
The young man nodded, “Of course, Sir.”

“Good. Second room on the left through the hall. And please be quick about it.”
The man laughed, his gaze going somewhere Kyp couldn’t see, “Already done.” And instantly it grew quiet. The noise was gone and Kyp could finally hear himself think again, “Thank you.” He cut the connection and counted in his head.

1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6…

Needless to say Rhea stormed out utterly angry but she didn’t lash out at him, as he had expected. Instead she started talking in a low voice, “Could you please put the power back on?”

Kyp gave her an innocent look, “What makes you think I had anything to do with it?” He got up from the com console, moving down the hall towards Thena’s room. She was sitting on the floor, playing with a few dolls her aunt had given her. “How about a bath?” he asked her and the little girl nodded, “Can I bring my toys?”

Kyp nodded, “Sure.” He walked further down the hall, Rhea trailing behind him – silently – but had an aura of poutiness about her, “Dad, all I wanted to do was listen to some music. Please put the power back on.”

With his back turned to her, he hid a small smile. He wondered, if he had had the chance, if he would have been just as difficult as a teen. And for that matter, he wondered what his parents would have done in the same situation.

“You know, being grounded usually means thinking about what you did wrong. And not shaking the entire building with that noise you call music.”

Rhea sighed, crossing her arms in front of her chest and leaning against the door frame of the ‘fresher. “I’ll keep it down then. But it helps me think.”
Kyp let the water run and turned around frowning, “It helps you think?”

“Yeah, Dad, it does. It’s this new band everyone’s talking about, The Borderline Toxics. The lyrics are so profound, Dad, I swear. And their songs are really really great. And they get me thinking in different directions, you know? Sort of, thinking outside the box.”

Kyp grabbed a bottle of bubble bath from a shelf – the picture on the front the same yellow bantha cub with the green dots – and poured a hand full into the tub. It smelled of extraordinarily sweet candy.

“The Borderline Toxics?” He let the name go through his head a few times but said nothing more. “Fine.” He said, walking past Rhea to fetch Thena, “Once I’m done giving your sister a bath, you can listen to your profound lyrics some more. But keep it down.”

Rhea smiled and to Kyp’s surprise gave him a peck on the cheek. She hurried back into her room, closing the door but not locking it.

“Thena?” Kyp called and the little girl came towards him already unclothed with a large towel in her hands. She ran past him towards the fresher and with one leap jumped into the tub. From the hall, Kyp could see the water splash against the walls, onto the floor, even up on the ceiling.

Closing his eyes for a split second he took a deep breath.

“Dad!” the little girl called, blowing bubbles in all sorts of directions, “I forgot my toys.”

Returning with her blond dolls, he sat at the edge of the tub, watching Thena. Just for a moment she closed her eyes and suddenly began to giggle. Out of his three children, Thena had been the one to inherit the most Force potential and every chance she got to show off in front of her Dad, she did.

A handful of bubbles rose into the air, spiraling about, abruptly changing directions to little Thena’s pleasure. She giggled as she maneuvered a large bubble towards her fathers head, placing it on top of his dark hair.

There was a light in her eyes when she accomplished things others couldn’t do; her entire face lit up with this light and Kyp was again so proud of his little girl.
The Force potential she had inherited from him but her long, curly hair, her dark brown eyes and her temperament were definitely her mother’s traits.

She was his little angel.

“Having fun?” he asked with a smile. Thena nodded, splashing more water into the air.
He watched her a while, his thoughts going here and there when he was suddenly interrupted by the com console. He sighed, “I’ll be right back.” He got up and hurried through the hall, Rhea right behind him as she exited her room.

The look on her face was one of concern and her brow furrowed. “What?” Kyp asked feeling alarm emanating from the girl. “It’s Kaleb.”

A bad feeling settled into the pit of his stomach. The twins usually always knew what the other was feeling, be it happiness or sorrow or fear or pain.

Kyp answered the call and his eyes widened as he gazed into the stern face of a Coruscant Security Officer, “Master Durron, I’m calling on behalf of your son.” He said, his tone as neutral as it could get, “We’ll have to ask you to come pick him up from the station.”

It took a moment for Kyp to completely understand what the officer had just said and he coughed to clear his throat, “Uh…would you mind telling me what this is about?”
The Officer shook his head, “I’m sorry, Sir. I’m not authorized to give out information on an insecure line.”

Kyp touched the bridge of his nose, “Alright. I’ll be right there.”
“Main Precinct, Sir.” The Security Officer cut the comm.

Kyp sat for a very long moment, listening to his surroundings, counting his steady heart beat and hoping that Kaleb was alright. Drawing on the Force he briefly touched his son and all he felt was apprehension. At least the boy wasn’t hurt.

“Rhea, I need you to watch your sister until I get back.” She nodded, worry etched onto her pretty face. Kyp passed her, gathering his coat into his arms and pulling on his boots.

Rhea stood with her hands digging into her pants pockets and she radiated even more worry. Her father planted both his hands on her shoulders and smiled encouragingly, “Hey. Everything will be fine. Don’t you worry so much.”

“He’s never gotten into trouble before.” She whispered.

Kyp shrugged, “As the saying goes: there’s a first time for everything.” He ruffled her hair, “Your sister’s still in the bathtub. I’ll be back soon.”

Kyp hurried and jumped into his yellow speeder. Backing out of his lot way too fast, he almost collided with another driver. Smiling and apologizing with a wave, he hurried into the vast traffic lane.

It took him longer than expected to finally arrive at the Security station. It was mid day and either people were getting off work, on their way too work or had nothing better to do than plug the lanes.

He parked the speeder and ran towards the entrance. The inside of the building smelled new as if the place had been refurbished recently. An elderly woman sat at the front desk, her eyes glued to a monitor in front of her. Officers and delinquents alike mulled about and there was a constant buzzing of talk in the background.

“Excuse me?” Kyp said and the lady looked up, “Hi. Uh…I got a call just a few minutes ago that my son had been…well, arrested I suppose?”

“Name, please?”

“Kaleb Durron.”

The lady nodded, tapped a few keys on the board in front of her and pointed down the hall, “Third door to your right. Just head on in.” Kyp nodded and thanked the lady, his heart racing at what was to come.

Force, he hoped Kaleb wasn’t in too much trouble.

He marched into the room and was relieved to see Kaleb up and well. More or less.
Kaleb stood at a large window, overlooking the city but even with his back halfway towards Kyp, the Jedi could see a large bruise forming beneath the boy’s eye. A long, ugly looking dark red gash beneath his lip was bleeding; all in all, his boy looked like crap.

“What the hell happened?” Kyp asked incredulously. Kaleb turned around, sighing heavily, “I’m sorry, Dad. I don’t know how this could have happened.”

The door swished aside once more, a large bully-like Officer entering with a pad in his hand. His smile wasn’t a friendly one and Kyp supposed he was one of those Bad-Guy cops you read about in zines or on the holonet.

“Jedi Master Durron. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” The Officer said, extending his hand, “I’m Lieutenant Neals.” He indicated for Kyp to take a seat and he did so.
“What’s this about, Lieutenant?”

Neals steepled his fingers, no doubt a stance to intimidate him but instead Kyp just arched an eyebrow. It took more than an overgrown bully to intimidate the Jedi Master.

“We have two charges.” The Officer explained, “First, there’s the issue of illegal speeder racing. We caught an entire group of kids this morning, your son being among them.”

Kyp gave Kaleb a dark look; the boy shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
“And secondly, young Kaleb’s been charged with assault and battery.”

Kyp touched the bridge of his nose, clearing his throat, “Kaleb.” He said in a low tone – a definite sign that he was mightily angry, “Mind explaining yourself?”
“Can’t you just get me out of here?”

“I’m inclined to leave you here. What were you thinking?”

“Dad!” He said this in a whiny tone of voice, “I didn’t get into a fight just for the hell of it. And it’s not even entirely my fault!”

Kyp shrugged, “I’m listening. And this better be good.”

“Well, we participate in these speeder races a lot.” At the look of both older men he held up his hands, “I know it’s wrong and I know it’s illegal but I have to admit, it’s a hell of a lot of fun. Anyway, this time there was this new guy. Our team hadn’t seen him before and we didn’t think he’d be a threat.”

“A threat?” Kyp echoed.

Kaleb nodded, “The stake of the race is your speeder. If you lose, you lose your ride. Simple as that.”

“And I’m guessing you lost?”

Kaleb leaned against his chair, sighing, “The idiot cheated. The rules are simple. We race with normal speeder parts. Upgrading is strictly forbidden. So after the race I found out that the guy had absolutely tuned the speeder, which is why he won. I have never lost a race before.”

“Ah. So you not only lost your vehicle, your ego got a scratch, too, huh?”

“It’s not even about that.” One hand went through his disheveled dark hair, “This’ll sound stupid, but it’s not honorable. You race and you race fairly or you don’t race at all. It’s just not right.” He sighed, “So I went up to the guy wanting to talk this through. And he came up into my face, calling names and bringing the family in, too. I’m sorry, Dad, I just couldn’t let that sit.”

“Who threw the first punch.”

It seemed Kaleb slouched even further, “I did.”

“Lieutenant Neals,” Kyp said, “Is he free to go?”

The Officer nodded, “I need your signature on a few flimsies and there’ll be a hearing, just to let you know.”

After getting all the paperwork done, Kyp and Kaleb walked back to the yellow speeder. Silently.

As they sat side by side, Kyp moving the vehicle back into the traffic lane, he heaved a sigh, “Did you at least win the damned fight?”

From the corner of his eye he saw his son grin, “Of course, Dad.”

It had only been a minute. A single minute!

Rhea muttered a string of curses as she ran back into the living room, wanting to throw something against the wall in frustration. She bit down on her teeth – hard – and took calming breaths.

Thena sat on the carpeted floor in the living area, a handful of various silver, glittery objects lying around her.

Rhea shook her head, “He never leaves without it!” she called, “Why now? And why the hell did you have to start taking it apart?”

Thena glanced up from the dissembled lightsaber and smiled, “Because it’s fun.”
“Dad is going to kill us.” Rhea said, trying to keep her voice even, “When he walks through that door, you’d better have it fixed!”

Thena loved taking things apart and putting them back together. The metal felt cold in her hands at first but then warmed up the longer she held the parts. The scent was interesting, too. But the thing she was fascinated about the most was the purple crystal.

Her Dad had once explained to her why his blade was purple. But since he usually always took his saber with him, she could never take a look herself.

Rhea had been preoccupied using the com unit and Thena had seized the moment.
It hadn’t even taken too long, Thena thought, as she bit her lower lip and narrowed her eyes. She held the purple crystal between her small fingers, moving it around in the light and admiring the different colors within.

It was a thing of beauty. She wished she could keep it. But Thena knew her Dad would be more than just angry if he came home and his blade was suddenly pink or blue or yellow with green dots.

“Put it back together!” Rhea hissed.

Thena frowned, “Stop rushing me. Or I’ll let you do it.”

The little girl knew Rhea was no good with mechanics. When it had been her turn to build her own lightsaber, she had almost blown the entire academy to pieces. Well, as far as Kaleb had said. But Kaleb was known to exaggerate a lot.

Rhea stopped pacing, clearing her throat and letting herself fall onto her knees. She smiled sweetly but Thena frowned, since she knew Rhea was only pretending to be nice, “Please, Thena. Could you hurry up? Please?”

Thena thought about it. She hadn’t gotten her father to get mad at her in a very long time. And the last time he was angry, he’d gotten over it fairly quick. She frowned as she was suddenly struck with realization that, supposed her Dad got back home too early and found his lightsaber disembodied like this, she’d be stuck in the house with Rhea for a very long time.

The both of them would be grounded. And she wouldn’t be allowed to watch the holo vids anymore. And none of her friends could come over.

Thena sat back and cocked her head to one side. But if she didn’t get the saber fixed in time, Rhea would be in even more trouble, since she was supposed to be watching her.

Thena smiled mischievously, “I want credits.”

Rhea swallowed, then coughed, “What?”

“I can fix the lightsaber before Dad comes back home. Or I can take my time, tell him that I got bored because you were on the com unit talking to your new boyfriend.”
“You wouldn’t!”

Thena smiled the smile of her mother, “Give me credits and I’ll hurry up and no one will know.”

Rhea narrowed her eyes, “You’re five, for Force’s sake!”

Thena sighed, shifting her gaze back to the parts on the floor, “Now, where was that one part I need…” With exaggerated care she searched the carpet, picking up the wanted piece of metal and going over it with her index finger.

Rhea watched in silence as Thena attached the small metal piece onto the handle of the lightsaber. “I could go a whole lot faster, Rhea.”

The older girl jumped to her feet, “Fine!” she yelled, “How much?”

She couldn’t believe she was doing this. Her little sister, the five year old cute, beautiful little girl, was bribing her!

Thena smiled, “Twenty will do just fine. “

“Why do you want twenty credits for?” Rhea asked, rummaging through her pants pockets for a few coins.

Thena shrugged, “Just because.”

And then suddenly Rhea grew very still. The look on her face was one of anxiety and Thena reached out to the Force and suddenly touched the minds of her brother and her father. Who seemed very, very near.

“Hurry up.” Rhea hissed, picking up the pieces of the lightsaber and running into Thena’s room. She dumped the metal pieces under Thena’s blankets and shoved the little girl into her room, “Finish it, Thena!”

The door to the girls’ room closed just as the front door opened and two male voices drifted in.

“How do you plan on getting your speeder back?” Rhea heard her father’s voice and frowned slightly. Kaleb had lost the speeder? She had known about the races and had sworn not to say anything. Well, all secrets got out eventually.

She straightened up, hoping that her father wouldn’t catch the anxiety within the Force. Goodness, she hoped Thena would be done on time.

Rhea walked into the living area, stopping in her tracks as she took in the bruises on her brothers face, “What happened?” she gasped.

Kaleb waved the questions away, moving passed her into the refresher. She glanced at her father, “Fight.” Was all he said as he headed to the kitchen area. He came back out with a steaming cup of caf in his hands.

Slowly he moved towards the sofa, letting himself fall and closing his eyes. Rhea sat down opposite him on one of the large chairs, fidgeting with her hands, still hoping Thena would come out any minute, the lightsaber back to its original form.
“What have you two been up to?” Kyp asked and Rhea jumped. She coughed, “Nothing.” She lied, “It was quiet.” She smiled and Kyp narrowed his eyes.

Oh, God…

That was the look. The look.

The look that told every child that he knew something was going on. The look that told you not to mess with him. The look that told you he was sure as hell going to find out what went wrong.

Rhea suddenly felt a headache coming on.

“You sure?”

Rhea nodded, shifting her gaze around the room and her breath caught in her throat. Right beside Kyp’s foot lay another piece of the lightsaber. Rhea gulped instantly wondering how she could get that little, stupid, tiny piece into Thena’s room without Kyp noticing.

Absent-mindedly Rhea rubbed her throat and nodded with a fake smile. Kyp so knew she was hiding something and she was utterly grateful when Kaleb came back into the living area, having changed into a pair of sweats and a plain white shirt.
He really did look a mess.

“What happened to you?” Rhea asked again, feeling her father’s gaze on her back as she turned towards her brother.

Kaleb told her about the race, about losing his speeder and getting into a fight with the new guy. Rhea didn’t know what to say and was about to ask another question when Kyp’s too cool voice stopped her, “Where’s your sister?”

Rhea cleared her throat again, scratching the top of her head. It was not a good idea to lie. Especially to her father. He knew something was up. He always did.
“In her room.”

Kyp got up, setting his cup of caf on the table. Rhea closed her eyes, waiting for an explosion of sorts she had yet to see. Thena had dismantled his lightsaber. His prized Jedi possession. This could not be a good thing.

Kaleb frowned at her and arched a brow, “What’s going on?”

“Dad forgot his lightsaber when he went to pick you up.” Kaleb understood immediately. Thena had always tinkered with things, knowing full well that she wasn’t supposed to.

“Ouch.” Kaleb hid a smile and sat down next to his sister on the other large chair, “Did she get it fixed?”

Rhea pointed to the floor at the single piece of metal and Kaleb shook his head, “Well, I’m glad it wasn’t me this time.”

And no sooner had he said this Kyp came back into the living area. Rhea couldn’t define the expression on his face but he radiated anger. Well, that was actually understating the fact.

She chose not to say anything. Which was a very wise move.
Thena came walking into the living area, eyes to the floor and hurried to stand next to Rhea.

Seconds seemed to stretch into minutes and neither of the family said a word. Kaleb was having a real hard time to keep a straight face and Rhea was hating him for this. She had the feeling that she and her sister were in way more trouble then Kaleb even though he had lost his speeder.

“Do you know –“ Kyp stopped, a hand going through his disheveled hair. He swallowed and shook his head, “What did you think to accomplish with this, Thena?” he asked in a controlled voice but the anger was about boiling over.

Thena lowered her head but said nothing.

“Do you not understand how dangerous this weapon is?” He shook his head, “Your mother and I have explained to you over and over and over again that you are not to ever touch any of our lightsabers, have we not?”

Thena nodded.

“Speak up.”

“Yes.”

“Then why did you do it? You could’ve gotten yourself hurt! Or even worse.”
Thena looked up, tears stinging her eyes, “I’m sorry, Daddy.”

Kyp shook his head, pacing back and forth, “I guess it’s partly my fault for leaving it here. But I can’t excuse this, Thena.” He stopped and stared her down, the disappointment in his youngest daughter evident in his dark stare, “I need to think this over.”

Thena nodded and without another word hurried back into her room. She dumped the blanket with the lightsaber parts onto the floor in the hall before closing the door.

“Weren’t you watching her?” Kyp asked Rhea in a muted voice.
“I swear, I only turned my back on her for a few minutes.”

Kyp walked back into the hall, picked up the pieces of his weapon, “Is this everything?”

The anger was swelling as Rhea dropped the last piece onto the blanket in her father’s hands. He moved passed her into his own bedroom and shut the door behind him.

Kyp lay on his bed and closed his eyes. This day had not been an easy one. He rolled his eyes as he took a quick glance at the chrono. It wasn’t even evening yet.

He sat up, taking a deep breath and seating himself in front of the small, personal com unit. After all the excitement today, he wanted to talk with his wife.

He needed to hear her voice, see her smile, see those beautiful dark eyes...
Kyp sighed.

He didn’t want to disturb her vacation. But he knew she’d want him to; she’d said so before she had left. If anything went wrong, if he needed her, she’d come right back.

He dialed up the frequency and waited a long moment and when she answered a great weight seemed to have been lifted off his shoulders. Her dark eyes smiled at him, her beautiful dark hair surrounded her pretty face.

He wished he could touch her, be with her…

“Everything alright?” she asked, worry evident in her voice.

Kyp smiled and nodded, “Only wanted to hear you voice.” He said but he knew she’d sense the lie. But she didn’t press on, “How’re the kids doing?”

He didn’t tell her about the incident with Kaleb, didn’t tell her about Thena’s desire to break things. Instead he just smiled, “The usual.”
She frowned, “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“I’m just tired.”

They kept silent for a moment. Kyp sighed and rubbed his eyes, “Honestly? I wish you were back home. I miss you”

“You know what, I’ll take the next flight back.”

“I don’t want to ruin your vacation, sweetheart.”

She dismissed the comment with a wave of her hand, “The place is great but it’s not home. I miss the hectic. And I miss you.” She blew him a kiss and smiled, “I’ll be home in a few hours.”

“I love you, Jaina.”

She smiled, “I love you, too.”

He cut the com and sat back in his chair, rubbing his hands over his face. Jaina would be home soon. How he missed her…

He turned back to his bed, annoyed by the fact that he had a lightsaber to reassemble.

For a moment he closed his eyes, taking deep and steadying breaths. He walked into the living area, called Thena and when she was standing in front of him, averting her gaze he smiled, “You’ll still receive your punishment but I thought you might want to help put this thing back together.” He said and Thena looked up surprised.
“I’ll be here to help and look out but since you tore it apart, I think it’s best for you to put it back together.”

Thena nodded and sat beside her father on the soft bed, “I am really sorry, Daddy.”
He ruffled her hair and nodded.

My Best Friend

2008-09-05T04:50:00.001-07:00

Grand Master Kyp Durron stood in his office, leaning against the wall and glancing towards the floor-to-ceiling viewport opposite him. There was a storm raging outside, raindrops pounding against the transparasteel, a fierce wind whistling through micro slits within the building’s walls.

He sat down at his desk, stretching his tired muscles and planting his booted feet atop the wooden table. The thing was an antique, he had been told, and it was a priceless piece of art. Dark brown – about the color his hair had used to be, he thought with amusement – and huge.

When he had taken on the role of the Grand Master of the Jedi Order, all he had wanted to do was continue on where his dear friend, Luke Skywalker, had left off. Kyp had accepted the post with divided opinions. On the one hand it was a great honor to lead the Jedi, to be the one the galaxy looked up to when it came to Jedi business but on the other had the responsibilities that came with the job were enormous.

Being the big boss, as his children often called him, if anything went wrong – even the slightest bit – , it was his ass on the line. And things tended to go wrong on a regular basis. The worst part of it all was having to deal with politicians.

He sighed, one hand going through his short, silver streaked hair. Shifting his gaze to holo picture frames on his desk, he smiled. The first hologram showed his wife holding their first born son, Zeth, in her arms. Kyp had met Marissa only a few weeks before the Confederation Galactic Alliance War had started. Before the stupid brat Jacen Solo had decided to change his name into Darth Caedus. Kyp rolled his eyes at the thought, grateful that those times were behind them now.

Marissa had instantly caught Kyp’s eye back then. Almost fifteen years ago Kyp had been a different man. A thick head, to the utmost extent, mostly always bent on everyone accepting his opinion and hardly anyone had talked back at the time. Except Marissa.

The picture in his mind was so clear, as if it were yesterday; dark blond hair had been braided into a ponytail down her back, dark blue eyes scanned her surroundings as she hurried through a mob of people. Why she had stood out, Kyp didn’t really know but he had seen her and he had wanted to talk to her.

Kyp picked up the holo frame and smiled at his wife, at little Zeth who had been only a few hours old when the picture had been taken. “You changed my life, love.” He whispered as he set the frame back on the desk, admiring the second picture of his youngest daughter. Ilyana seemed like a miniature version of her mother. The same round face, the same full lips and the same blue eyes that seemed to always know what you were up to.

Kyp closed his eyes, going back to the day he had stopped Marissa in the street, hoping she wouldn’t blow him off at first sight. She had seemed confused at first, a slight frown surfacing on her impeccable face. But after a moment she had smiled. And mostly due to the fact that Kyp, the almighty Jedi Master, had started to stutter.

“Sorry.” Kyp muttered, “Uh…I’m Kyp, by the way.” He held out his shaky hand and frowned at himself. This was definitely a first.

Marissa smiled, taking his hand in return and nodding, “Hello Kyp. My name’s Marissa.” She giggled as a blush surfaced on Kyp’s face, “What can I do for you?”

“Uh…” he swallowed and wanted to kick himself for being so silly, “Are…are you busy? I mean, I don’t want to intrude or anything, but…um…I…I…was wondering if you’d be interested in getting a cup of caf? Uh… with me.” He cleared his throat.

I’m losing my mind, he thought.

Marissa laughed and to Kyp’s surprise, nodded, “I’d be delighted.”

That day had changed Kyp’s entire life. He had met the woman of his dreams and from the first moment on he had known he would spend the rest of his life with her. Whenever times had gotten rough, whenever Kyp had needed someone to talk to, whenever he needed to laugh, Marissa was there for him.

Marissa was his life.

I never had no one that I could count on
I've been let down so many times
I was tired of hurting
So tired of searching
’Til you walked into my life
It was a feeling I'd never known
And for the first time, I didn't feel alone

His com unit buzzed and he was ripped out of his reverie. He took the call with a sigh but forced a slight smile as the young female face of his secretary showed on the small holo projector, “Alia. What is it?”

“Your wife’s here to see you, Sir.”

Kyp nodded, getting to his feet almost at once. The double doors to his office swished aside and Marissa walked in, a blinding white sun in his ordinary world. She looked beautiful today. She looked beautiful every day, Kyp thought and again he wondered what he had done to deserve such a perfect person.

She wore a long, dark green gown that hugged her curves exquisitely. Her hair, now shot with silver, fell onto her shoulders in long, dark blond waves and her smile still knocked him off his feet.

Marissa came towards him, both hands extended and planted a longing kiss on his lips, “I’ve missed you, my love.” She whispered, an endearing smile on her face.

Kyp gathered her up into his arms, hugging her fiercely, “Is everything alright?” he asked, since she usually never visited him in his office.

She respected the Jedi Order but tried not to interfere. Too much.

Marissa nodded, “Everything’s fine. I just wanted to see you.” Her chuckle was breathtaking. She swept a stray strand of hair out of his face, slowly caressing his cheek and softly kissing his chin, “Are you busy?”

Kyp shook his head, “I can spare a few minutes.” He smiled crookedly, encircling her waist with his arms and pulling her towards his body. He wished this moment would never end. Even after all these years, the love for her grew.

He kissed her, tenderly at first, almost tentative but as her hands tangled up in his hair, the kiss grew fiercer, fiery.

You're more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh, we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Every time I look at you

She pulled back for a gasp of air, grinning at her husband, “You should do that more often.” She whispered, barely audible.

He nodded, as if accepting an order, and met his lips with hers yet again.

To his dismay they were interrupted by the com unit and Kyp cursed under his breath. Officially he was still on duty and with a heavy heart, he backed away from Marissa, seating himself in his chair and accepting the call.

Ben Skywalker, long red hair pulled away from his unshaven face, stared back at him, a grim expression on his face. It had been a simple mission; rumors had it that there was a young Force sensitive boy on the loose, wrecking havoc as much as he could. Ben and his apprentice had been sent to see what the rumors were about but obviously something had gone terribly wrong, “What happened, Ben?” Kyp asked, suddenly sitting ram rod straight.

In the corner of his eye, he saw Marissa pace the room, her arms folded across her well accentuated chest. Kyp knew she had taken a liking to Ben and he could feel her worry pulse through the Force.

“Gavon’s hurt.” Ben cleared his throat, “Force lightening.” A large hand went through his dark red hair, “Dammit Kyp, some idiot wanna-be dark Jedi got to the kid first.” An exasperated sigh left his throat, “He ran off.”

Kyp nodded, stroking his chin with his thumb, “Don’t worry about it. Gavon’s your main priority right now. Get him home.”

Ben nodded and signed off.

Leaning back in his chair, Kyp closed his eyes for just a moment and was pleased when he felt Marissa’s light touch against his arm, “He’ll be alright.” She whispered, her warm breath against his neck and she leaned closer, “Don’t worry too much.”

Kyp nodded, “I’m fairly certain Gavon will be fine. It’s the runaway kid I’m worried about.” He sighed, “Especially this Force lightening stuff.”

Marissa nodded, “If there’s anything –“
Kyp cut her off as he pulled her down to his lap. He smiled a loving smile, “I don’t deserve you.” He whispered while gently brushing along the line of her jaw.

I don't know where I'd be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You're my best friend

He kissed her again, holding her lithe form close and wishing they could be at home, alone in their secluded rooms and no one would ever dare disturb them.

But then reality kicked back in and Kyp leaned back with a sigh. Her dark blue eyes had a sad look to them, knowing that whatever had happened to Ben and his apprentice was so much more serious, “I should let you get back to work.” She whispered yet made no move to leave her husbands firm grasp, “I’m in the way right now.”

Kyp narrowed his green eyes, shaking his head, “You are never in the way, my love.”

She scrambled back to her feet nonetheless, making sure the folds of her gown lay where they belonged. Kyp jumped to his feet, grabbing her hand, gently massaging her knuckles, “I don’t know where I’d be without you, Marissa.”

This beautiful woman, this being of perfection seized to amaze him, “I love you.”

She reached up and gently touched his cheek with her palm, “I’ll be at home if you need me.” She whispered and turned around to leave. The sad look within her eyes was still there and it tore Kyp apart seeing her like this.

With one quick stride he twirled her around, crushing her to his body and whispering, “You are my everything. You have saved me so many times. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Marissa stepped back, the fiery light he so loved slowly returning to her blue gaze, “I love you.” She said, standing on her toes to give her husband the passionate kiss he so longed for.

You stand by me
And you believe in me
Like nobody ever has
When my world goes crazy
You're right there to save me
You make me see how much I have
And I still tremble when we touch
And oh the look in your eyes
When we make love

She left him then, leaving only her flowery scent and the lingering touch of her lips on his. It seemed to him that he was falling in love all over again and he relished this thought. Having Marissa as his wife, having the family he had always wanted was his balance to being the Grand Master.

Never in his life had he ever felt for someone so strongly.

Marissa. His perfect, beautiful Marissa.

With a sigh he sat back behind his desk, dialing up the other Jedi Masters who made up the order. They needed to discuss the upcoming situation at hand. And Kyp hoped to all Gods of the universe that there wasn’t another Darth Something lurking in the shadows.

They had had enough Sith Lords for three lifetimes.

Animal I Have Become

2008-09-05T04:48:00.002-07:00

Was it Jacen this time or was Caedus staring back at him? The man in front of the mirror couldn’t tell. There had been a time when he had known who he was. There had been a time when he could look himself in the eyes and not flinch away at the sight. There had been a time when he had liked what he had seen.

And now? Well, he wasn’t quite sure anymore.

In the beginning he had always known which one of his personalities swam to the surface. Jacen was always the brooding one, the one wanting to follow all the rules. Caedus was different. Caedus did what and when he wanted to. And Caedus was stronger.

So much stronger.

Jacen knew that before long he would no longer exist. It scared him that he had let it come this far, that he would be trapped by his own self, by the darkness that had been buried deep within his soul. Who would have suspected that he would be capable of so many dark deeds? And he didn’t even care.

Caedus didn’t even care. Jacen wailed inside, trying to break free of his self imposed prison within his mind. But Caedus grew stronger with every day and Jacen knew there stood no chance of ever getting free.

Unless someone got close enough to kill him.

It was a sobering thought but a frightening one. He hated what he had become but did not want to die. Not like this. Not as Caedus.

He wanted to be free; he wanted to be Jacen again.

I can't escape this hell
So many times I've tried
But I'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

Caedus smiled at the reflection in the mirror. His golden eyes gleamed as the corners of his mouth rose into a sneer. He found it amusing arguing with himself. How he despised the man he had once been.

Weak.

Simple minded.

Afraid.

But not anymore. Caedus was different. Caedus was strong with an iron will and he was not afraid to use the powers given to him. He was a Sith Lord. And he wanted the entire galaxy to know, to see.

And soon they would.

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?

Jacen shouted at the top of his lungs, kicking at the invisible bars around his mind. Why had he trapped himself? Why couldn’t he have walked away from the powers offered to him? It had been his undoing.

No one will ever change this animal I have become

But still hope reigned in his heart; but also doubt and fear. It was a mixture of confusing elements raining down upon him, coursing through him. What had he become? What had Caedus, the darkness within Jacen, become?

Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

“You are weak.” Caedus snarled at his reflection, shaking his head, “You are no longer a part of me.”

Jacen’s fear grew as he heard these words and he pounded against the cage of his mind but Caedus only smiled, “You will never return. You will never be Jacen again.”

Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this hell

Caedus turned away from the mirror, his black cloak billowing behind him. His boots softly clicked on the metal floor as he exited his quarters. He heard the man he had once been wailing in the back of his mind but he had been getting better at ignoring him. Soon he would not be bothered by him any longer.

Caedus would swallow Jacen Solo and he would make sure the weak Jedi Knight would never again see the light of day.

At least with this sacrifice no one would be able to stop him.

If Dreams Came True

2008-09-05T04:48:00.001-07:00

It was past midnight when Kyp finally returned home, grateful to be able to seek out his bed, which he could have sworn kept calling, almost yelling out his name over and over again.

He’d had one hell of a day and now he was drop dead tired and damned well ready to ignore any further interruptions. Thrusting his hands into his pockets, he drew out his comlink and switched if off, throwing it onto the sofa in a wide arc.

He kicked off his boots – jumping up and down on one foot while the other boot seemed to be stuck – and placed his dark brown cloak over the back of the sofa.
Before heading towards his bedroom he made sure that anyone calling his personal comm unit would receive a recorded message of him not being able to answer – until at least noon the next day.

For a moment he wondered if he should switch off the door chime as well but only someone very brave would dare disturb him in his current mood and there weren’t very many people that came to mind.

So he shrugged it off and slouched into his bedroom, unfastening his Jedi garments on the way. He laid his lightsaber on a small dresser next to the door then let the sash around his waist fall to the floor where he stood. He slipped out of the robe, pulled his shirt over his head – and cursed under his breath when his shins hit the bed.
He was so tired he was hardly paying attention.

Throwing his shirt aside, he let himself fall onto his soft bed, the fluffy covers seeming to welcome him into the land of colorful dreams. He was barely able to reach for his favorite pillow before the veil of sleep took him in…

…

…

…

He sat bolt upright when he heard that treacherous sound of someone at the front door. At first he’d thought it was part of a very strange dream he’d been having – about two talking animals and he was sure the slithering one had represented Luke Skywalker – but then his brain had registered that someone was indeed brave enough to irritate him. He took a quick look at the small chrono on his nightstand and fought the urge to throw the device against the wall.

He’d be asleep for an entire hour! Wow…

Taking a deep, steadying breath he pushed himself off his bed and balled his hands into fists. Maybe it was important? Maybe the world was coming to an end and they needed him to save their sorry asses? Maybe someone important actually died and they – whoever they were -- were letting him know?

He hoped there was a catastrophe on the loose or else he’d be mightily pissed off.

He stalked through the darkness of the living area until he got to the controls for the lights. He dialed them up to forty percent then made his way to the front entrance of his apartment. He slapped the controls for the door to open and wasn’t the least bit surprised to see the one crazy woman in the galaxy who didn’t seem to care if Kyp Durron slept or not.

“What?” he growled at her, crossing his arms in front of his chest and narrowing his green gaze as Jaina Solo smirked.
“Were you sleeping?” She asked sweetly as she pushed him aside and entered his home.

“No. I was just lying around pretending to sleep with my eyes closed.”

Jaina chuckled while turning towards him. The front door closed silently and she arched a brow at the man’s near nakedness. Her dark brown eyes trailed along his broad shoulders, down his strong arms and impeccable torso, down towards his muscled abdomen but she didn’t allow her eyes to venture further.
Fighting a blush she forced herself to keep looking straight into his face, “Do you want me to leave?”

“What do you want, Jaina?” Kyp asked with an exasperated sigh, moving passed her and heading back into his bedroom. Jaina followed him with a questioning gaze, watching as he hurried towards his sleeping place, pulling back the covers and laying down beneath them.

She almost laughed when he grabbed a pillow, punching at it a few times before snuggling into it with his tousled head. His hair was standing on end, strands sticking out here and there – the new style gave him an overall adorable appearance.

“I didn’t know you liked soft.” Jaina said with a sly grin and she chuckled when Kyp raised his head to glare at her. “Your bed covers are fluffy, Kyp.” She trailed her fingers along the thick, black cloth.

“Try sleeping in uncomfortable bunk beds for eight years of your life and you’ll come to appreciate softness.”
There was an awkward silence in which Jaina took a long look around Kyp’s bedroom, finding it very bland, almost cold. Where she would have put up pictures of friends and family, Kyp’s walls were bare, lacking warmth.

She listened to his breathing, watched as his chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm. She smiled when she realized he’d fallen asleep again.
Slowly she moved around the bed and sat down next to him, reaching out to brush a strand of wavy dark hair out of his face. He seemed completely at peace while he was sleeping – there were no lines of worry, no frown that sometimes seemed to be permanently etched into his handsome, regal features.

Gently she moved her knuckles across his cheek and his eyes fluttered open at her touch. His gaze locked onto hers and she found herself shivering – it felt like he was staring right through her.

“What did you want, Goddess?” he whispered, pulling the covers up to his chin.

Jaina shrugged, fidgeting around with the sleeve of her jacket. Almost absent mindedly she tossed her hair across her shoulder and heaved a sigh, “I guess I just didn’t want to be alone.”

She smiled weakly, “I’m sorry, Kyp. It’s late. I shouldn’t have come.” She was halfway off the bed when Kyp suddenly grabbed her wrist and sat up.
“What’s wrong?”

He pulled her back down and she was grateful that he didn’t want her to leave. She felt odd. She felt lost somehow, alone even though the world was full with people, even though her friends and family would always be there for her no matter what.
She felt lost.

“I needed someone to talk to. I needed a friend.” She heaved a sigh, “But you need to sleep. You look horrible, by the way.”
Kyp chuckled and sat up straight, “Me? Horrible? Never! I’m as handsome as ever.”
She laughed at his playful tone and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. Nervousness crept up her spine suddenly – that’s when she realized she was alone with Kyp, sitting in his bed and he was only halfway clothed.

Her cheeks flamed a bright red and she was glad he couldn’t decipher the color while sitting in semi darkness with her.
“I’ll come back later, if that’s alright.” Her voice was low and she really felt the damndest urge to leave. She didn’t trust herself around the older, very male Jedi at that moment.

He completely surprised her when he pulled her into a warm embrace, placing a small kiss on her forehead. His fingers trailed up and down her spine in a gentle motion and she felt her skin prickle.

“Whatever you need, whenever you need – I’ll be here for you Jaina.” His whispered words broke something within her and she found herself clinging to him, her nails biting into the warm, soft flesh of his shoulders.

“Thank you.” She whispered forcing herself to pull back and when she did their gazes locked; a sudden spark passed between them and she was fully aware of his presence – of his near naked presence at that. She felt his warm breath on her skin, watched his dark eyes flick back and forth. His lips were curved into a slight smile and her hands began to tremble.

“I…” she was at a loss for words; Kyp was like a magnet, pulling her towards him, her eyes chocolate brown eyes never once leaving his dark green gaze. There had been many times in which she’d imagine Kyp as her partner but she’d always pushed him away – over and over again she would watch him step back, not wanting to crowd her but she had felt a sparks of hurt through the Force.

And so they’d settled on friendship. But Jaina wasn’t interested in friendship at that moment. She wanted Kyp the way a woman wanted a man. She didn’t want to bind him; she wanted to feel for a little while, she wanted to forget – she wanted to be the woman she hoped Kyp saw in her.
She reached out to trail a finger down his stubbly cheek, moving along towards his chin. He closed his eyes and let out a dark, husky breath when her thumb touched his lower lip and she thought she felt him tremble.

“Jaina.” He grabbed her wrist in a light grasp and swallowed, “Be sure you know what you’re doing. Because I won’t back off.”
Jaina arched a brow and smiled at him, the corners of her mouth twisting upward seductively, “I know exactly what I’m doing.” She whispered leaning forward to capture his lower lip with her teeth. Sitting up straight she wriggled her wrist from his grasp and gave him a questioning glance, a sudden silent doubt in the back of her mind.
They were friends. She didn’t want to lose his friendship and she couldn’t help but wonder if one night with her object of desire would ruin everything they’d built up together?

Common sense didn’t want to snap to attention and she found herself kissing a trail along the line of his jaw, going lower until she could nibble at his neck. He bent his head upward in silent invitation for her to go on.

Kyp kicked the covers off his athletic form and Jaina swung her leg over his hip, straddling him as she kissed her way up towards his ear. He propped himself onto both his hands and he felt her weight lean into him; he closed his eyes, not even trying to fight back a moan of pleasure to finally have Jaina this close after so many years of wanting her.

He wanted to kiss her, the urge growing stronger when she sat up, laying her arms onto his shoulders. She licked her lips slowly and he watched with intimate need he hadn’t felt in a very long time.

Reaching up, he thrust a hand into her dark hair, pulling her down towards his mouth. When he touched her lips with his, a deep groan emanated from his throat and the need for her suddenly sparked.

He flipped her onto her back, not once breaking the kiss as he used one hand to run down the side of her body. Her moan reverberated through him but she frowned suddenly when he stopped moving, his hands laying next to her shoulders as he withdrew from the kiss, staring down at her.

“This won’t work.” He whispered, his voice darker than usual and she shivered at the mere thought of his voice near her ear while they were together.
She felt a blush surface and she cleared her throat, trying to find a way to get out of Kyp’s hold. “I’m sorry, Kyp. I shouldn’t have come.” She tried pushing him away but he wouldn’t budge and then she noticed his smile spreading into a wide grin.

“That’s not what I meant, Goddess.” He leaned forward, nuzzling her cheek with his nose, “You’re still fully clothed.”
Jaina laughed, digging her hands into his soft, wavy hair. Their lips met for another ferocious kiss and she trembled at the single thought of what was to come. Something told her Kyp would not disappoint…

…

…

…

Kyp awoke with a fuzzy headache and groaned when he opened his eyes. He’d forgotten to shut the blinds and the sun wasn’t very kind to him. He pulled the covers over his head and rolled onto his side, not in the least interested to already start the day. But he did take a quick peek at the chrono and his eyebrow shot up. It was mid afternoon already.

He sighed and shoved the covers down to his hips a frown suddenly creasing his forehead.

“Oh. Force.” He croaked as he remembered the night before. Jaina had come to see him and she’d stayed. Hadn’t she? She wouldn’t have left without saying good-bye…

He ran a hand across his face and sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. Had he really only been dreaming?

He got up and took a look around his bedroom, looking for clothes that he remembered had been carelessly tossed aside. When he gazed down at himself he realized he was still wearing the pants to his Jedi robes. He remembered being too tired to completely undress himself…

His frown deepening he hurried into the living area, halfway expecting Jaina to greet him with a beaming smile. But his apartment was completely empty. She wasn’t in the living area, she wasn’t in the fresher and the small kitchen was empty as well.

Kyp rubbed his eyes and groaned, shaking his head. He was confused – he was very, very, very confused.

“A dream?” he muttered aloud. He’d never dreamt so many details before. He could have sworn he still felt her touch, still felt her breath on his skin.
He tried clearing his mind of her image and decided to give her a call instead of giving himself a headache if she’d actually come to see him or not.

Retrieving his comlink from the sofa, he switched it on – not surprised to have several messages, which he blatantly ignored – punching in Jaina’s frequency.
“You’re late, Kyp.” She said when she picked up, not even granting him a “good morning”. Which was obvious because it wasn’t morning anymore.
“Late for what?” he asked, honestly not knowing what it was she was referring to.

“Council meeting. Something came up. We left you at least five messages.”

“I…uh…I had a late night.”
She snorted, “I’ll bet. Partying all night, Durron?”

“Not really.” He gave the com link a petrified look, holding it away from him as if it had suddenly sprouted thorns.
“Well then hurry up.”

She cut the connection and Kyp closed his eyes for a moment. So it had just been a dream?
“Crap.” He muttered while heading to the fresher, absolutely not looking forward to the coming day and having to look Jaina in the eye and be reminded of the dream over and over again.

Nope, not looking forward to it at all.

The Lost Bet

2008-09-05T04:44:00.000-07:00

Two very large humanoids stood guard in front of the entrance to the notorious tapcaf Odyssey. Situated in the most ominous parts of the lower levels of Coruscant, the guests venturing in and out of the club were, among other things, the most feared, the most hated or the wealthiest of the planet.

Therefore, the Jedi and their friend sitting in the back within the shadows fit in perfectly.

Jedi Master Corran Horn leaned back in his chair and stretched his legs. He had his arms folded, holding a small glass filled with Corellian ale in his hand and precariously balancing it on his chest. The expression on his face was one of boredom as he swept the bar with hooded eyes. Odyssey was packed with various beings, ranging from Humans to Twi’lek, from Rodians to Deveronians and Corran was sure he had seen an Ewok running around the place when he had arrived.

He dismissed the thought before his mind wandered to the question as to why an Ewok would want to be in an establishment such as this…

Next to Corran sat Jedi Knight Zekk. Green eyes took in the surroundings but always halting on the stage to their right. Three beautiful women danced their way up and down a pole, swaying their hips seductively, wearing not much more than skimpy bathing suits and stilettos. Zekk’s smile spread into a smirk as one of the women crooked a finger at him, gesturing for him to join her.

He did not, of course. However, going by the look on his face, he would have gladly obliged.

Jagged Fel slumped in his chair, nursing his nearly empty glass. It was obvious the young man was bored and no doubt, his thoughts contained only Jaina Solo.

Nevertheless, this was a guys’ night out and Jag had sworn not to mention his woman for the entire evening. As his companions did, he scanned the area, rather surprised that he had agreed on coming here in the first place. It was a very different sort of establishment, a place he would normally avoid.

“Why are we here again?” he asked in a low voice, raising his dark brows as he caught sight of a couple “having fun” in the far corner of the club.

“Because Kyp lost a bet.” Corran said, downing his drink.

Kyp Durron scowled at the older man, “I did not lose the bet.”

“Yes you did!” Corran sat up and laughed, “You lost. Moreover, Jag and Zekk were there to see you lose. So now, you pay up. You’re not backing out are you?”
Kyp snorted, “I don’t back out of anything, Horn.”

“Good.” Corran turned around halfway and gestured for the waitress to bring him yet another ale. Corran, at least, seemed to be having a good time. Almost gleefully, he waited for Kyp to set foot on that stage and give it his best. “At least it’s up to you. I’m sure the ladies would love to see you strip.”

Zekk laughed and Jag chuckled, “You should be glad the media doesn’t come out this far, Kyp. It’ll be fun.”

“I’ll trade you.” Kyp said, giving Jag a side long-glance.

Jag shook his head, “You go on. I wouldn’t want to steal your show.”

The waitress walked towards their table, leaning forward to set another full glass of ale in front of Corran. There was no avoiding the looks her cleavage attracted and she smiled sweetly, “Anything else I can get you boys?”

Corran nodded once and she leaned even lower so he could whisper in her ear. Kyp watched as her hand snaked around his neck and he wondered what Mirax would do if she ever found out about the waitress touching her husband.

The waitress straightened up and shifted her gaze towards Kyp instead. The Jedi Master felt suddenly very…naked. It seemed like she was undressing him in her mind and Kyp felt unnerved by it. Not that she was not attractive – long legs met with curvy hips and she had a very feminine body – but still she was not exactly his type.

“So you’re up next, huh?” she asked as she came closer, again leaning forward so Kyp could hear her better, “Follow me to the back, hon.”

Her words held a definite double meaning but Kyp swallowed a retort and instead glared at Corran, “I will get you for this, Horn.”

Corran laughed, “Looking forward to it, Kyp. Now go. Your fans are waiting.” He rested his elbows on the table and laid his head onto his folded hands, smiling sweetly.

The waitress grabbed Kyp’s elbow and pulled him through a barely visible door. He found himself in a long, dim lit hallway leading to a large dressing room. As the waitress opened the door, Kyp stopped and cleared his throat, averting his gaze.
The dancers from the stage stood in various stages of undress, smiling at him with twinkling eyes. The waitress pulled him further into the dressing room until they walked through yet another door to an adjoining room with racks hanging full with clothing.

“We need to get you something different to wear.” She said, wiping her hands on her very short mini skirt before skimming through the clothes on hangers, “My name’s Nevin, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you, Nevin.” In the light of the dressing room, Kyp had to admit she was a beautiful woman. Still something about her bothered him but he couldn’t pinpoint it.

“Here.” She thrust a small pile of clothes into his arms and smiled up at him, “These should fit. I’m pretty sure I got your size right.” She eyed him from head to toe, taking a step to the side to take a long look at his derriere, “I hope the pants are too tight.”

Kyp gave her an arched look but didn’t comment.

“Oh and be sure to open your hair.” Nevin shook her head and stepped closer, “Or better yet, let me do it.” She reached up, resting her arms on his shoulders as her fingers gently opened the leather thong with which Kyp always bound his dark hair together. Nevin took her time with the Jedi, her smile alluring.

When his hair touched his shoulders, she stepped back holding the leather band in her hand, twirling it around her finger. “So much better.” She sighed, “My, my, you are one handsome man. The girls are going to go crazy when they see you on stage.”
Kyp sighed and cursed Corran.

“Well, go on then. Get dressed.”

He chuckled, despite his ever-growing foul mood, “How about you leave first?”
“Oh come on! Just a peak?”

“No peak.”

Nevin sighed melodramatically and shrugged, “Fine. I’ll be waiting outside.” She walked passed him but turned around once more to take in his lean body. She smacked her lips before she left him alone to get ready for the most embarrassing show of his life.

He was certain of it.

*********

The lights around the club dimmed and the dancers suddenly bolted off the stage. Corran turned his gaze upward and felt a laugh surface. He was thankful it was Kyp who would be doing whatever he chose to do to fulfill his part of the bargain.
“You think he’ll mess up, don’t you?” Zekk asked, leaning closer.

Corran shrugged, “Maybe.”

Jag snorted, “In the few years I’ve known Kyp, I’ve realized not to underestimate him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he actually pulls this off.”

“I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.” Corran said, grasping his glass in his hand and nipping at it. Within the past few minutes, more people had ventured into the club, crowding near the entrance. It seemed the place was packed, almost bursting from its seams.

It was suddenly completely dark as the lights were shut off and for only a few seconds the place was eerily quiet. Soft music started and when the lights shone back onto the stage, Kyp stood leaning against the pole the women had previously danced around. His hair was open, hanging to his shoulders in dark wavy curls and instead of his casual earth-colored attire, he now wore tight fitting black pants and a long-sleeved silky black shirt.

He seemed so elegant as he stood there, smirking down at his friends who gaped at him in shock. As the music grew louder, Kyp lifted a mic to his lips and began singing in a dark, deep and very sensual voice.

The club grew quiet yet again as they watched the Jedi Master on stage, listening as he sang a song that – little did they know – fit him perfectly. He moved away from the pole in agonizingly slow steps and a wide smile spread on his face at the shocked expressions on his friends’ faces.

“Holy hell.” Zekk whispered.

“I told you so!” Jag laughed triumphantly, the ale already fuzzing up his mind.
Corran was speechless. Kyp could sing – something no one had suspected. This whole escapade had been to embarrass the Jedi Knight for being cocky, stuck up and arrogant but it seemed this would only make his ego grow even more unbearable.

Corran groaned and shook his head. Even he had to admit it sounded good and Kyp made a good figure on stage.

However, what caught him completely off guard were the women suddenly standing up and moving towards the front of the stage. They cheered, clapped, and whistled.

“Hey look at that. He already has a fan club.” Zekk said with a laugh, crossing his arms in front of his chest as he watched Kyp crouch down and pull one of the ladies onto the stage. She stood before him, swaying her hips in tune with music, laughing as Kyp pulled her closer by encircling her waist with his arm.

He danced with her, not once missing a note as he sang on; the woman smiled seductively, her fingers trailing up his chest and opening the first few buttons of his shirt. Kyp didn’t seem to mind – on the contrary. His smile brightened and he pulled her closer. For a moment, it seemed he sang only for her, moving their bodies to the rhythm of the song.

“How come he gets the girl?” Zekk asked in a whiny voice.

“Then go up there and join him and you might get a girl, too.” Corran answered, shaking his head.

“I can’t sing.”

Kyp let go of the woman as the song slowly ended and she jumped from the stage, blowing him a kiss. Kyp winked at her, smiled and was utterly surprised as something pink suddenly hit the stage.

He laughed instead of concentrating on the song as he realized one of the women had thrown up her bra.

Zekk gaped in horror, “I need to learn how to sing!”

Jag laughed at him and Corran shook his head. “You are desperate, aren’t you Zekk?”
The music cut off and the club was bathed in darkness once more. The women yelled and screamed for an encore and to Corran’s surprise, Kyp actually gave one.

He shook his head and laughed – Kyp definitely never backed down. The younger Jedi stood on stage almost an entire hour before he returned to their table with a beaming smile on his face. Talking was not an option, since his newfound fans started asking questions all at the same time. A few of them were even interested in Zekk, which made him grin boyishly.

Jag conversed politely but kept his hands to himself and Corran did the same. But after what seemed like hours, Corran got to his feet and excused himself.

Surprisingly so did Jag and since Zekk didn’t feel like staying behind alone, he decided to accompany his friends back home.

“You coming?” Corran asked Kyp, who laughed at something one of the women had said. She sat on his lap, one arm laid across his shoulder.

“I think I’ll be staying a while longer.”

Corran rolled his eyes and headed towards the exit.

“Hey, Horn.” He turned and arched a brow, “You’re up next, remember that.”

Corran waved the remark away as he turned around with a smile. Yes, Kyp never backed down from a challenge.

Watch Over You

2008-09-05T04:43:00.000-07:00

Green, yellow and dark red leaves scattered around the dark earth about his feet. With every step he took, the leaves would swirl around in the cold air, a tumble of magnificent colors. His green gaze swept the darkening sky – it seemed a storm was coming, turning the once beautiful blue into a dull grey.

The wind around him picked up, carrying along the sultry scent of moss and dampness. Strands of his too long hair swept across his forehead, as he glanced over his shoulder. She stood there unmoving with her arms wrapped around herself, dark eyes staring at the ground. He could almost sense her sadness, her confusion but there was nothing he could do to help her. He’d already tried his damndest but in the end he’d failed.

“How much time do we have, Jag?” she had asked him in a shaky voice, reaching for him but he’d stepped away.

“Not nearly enough.”
Those had been his last words before he’d turned his back on her and stalked away.

Leaves are on the ground
Fall has come
Blue skies turning grey
Like my love

Throughout the years Jag had made sure he’d always be there for Jaina. During the Yuuzhan Vong war he’d stayed at her side, no matter what happened. He’d even forgiven her for leaving him stranded on Tenupe because he loved her so. And that’s what lovers do, isn’t it? They forgive and they forget. And they help heal as best they can – lovers were there for one another. Although he’d never really been certain if they had indeed been lovers.

After her brother’s fall to the dark side, Jag had been there for her – helping her through the worst time of her life. At the time all he’d wanted was her friendship, to have a place in her life but she hadn’t even been able to give him that.

So he’d made the most painful choice in his life and he’d decided to leave. To leave her – to leave the love of his life.

I tried to carry you
And make you whole
But it was never enough
I must go

It hurt so see her like this but it hurt even more to not to be able to help her. She kept closing herself up, shutting him out when things turned from bad to worse.
Jag worried for her. If he left, there wouldn’t be anyone else for her to turn to. The relationship between Jaina and her parents was strained, she hardly ever talked to Master Skywalker anymore and the one person she had always turned to – she had to kill him.

The shell that was her body was still intact but she was breaking on the inside. She wouldn’t let him help her and so he would leave. He couldn’t bear to watch her slowly destroy herself. With a sigh and sadness forever imprinted in his eyes, he turned around and walked back towards his ship.

Who is gonna save you
When I’m gone?
And who’ll watch over you
When I’m gone?

And when I’m gone
Who will break your fall?
Who will you blame?

When the sound of his booted feet crunching on the grass returned, Jaina looked up and almost called out his name. She swallowed the lump in her throat and let silent tears trail down her cheeks. She was losing him.

Jaina shook her head at the single thought. She wasn’t losing him – she’d lost him already.

She felt like someone was choking her as she watched his black clad form walk away. She wanted him to turn around and come back, she wanted to feel his soft lips on hers – she wanted him to be hers forever.

But she couldn’t be the person he wanted her to be. The old Jaina he’d met so many years ago had died the same day Jacen had been killed. The old Jaina would never return and the new Jaina? Never again did she want to see the pain in Jag’s eyes, feel his uncertainty around her. She wanted him to be happy, she didn’t want to hurt him anymore.

I can’t go on
And let you lose it all
It’s more than I can take
Who’ll ease your pain?

She drew confidence in the fact that he’d be better off without her. He wouldn’t have to worry anymore and she knew he worried. It was written all over his face when he’d ask her if everything was alright. But she couldn’t answer because she didn’t know. Life seemed too complicated to give a decent answer to the question if everything was alright.

Jag would do alright without her. She was positive. But would she do alright without him?

**********

Days, weeks and months passed by and Jaina had given up hope ever seeing Jag again. Unless she’d have the courage to apologize for being so closed up all the time. But she couldn’t. There was still the inner voice telling she wasn’t ready yet. How could she love someone and not herself? She still cared for him so much it hurt to think about it – and she’d never really shown him how much she felt for him.

She lifted her head to the sky, small flakes of snow settling on her warm skin, melting into a tiny drop of clear water. The air around her was cold, her breath puffy little balls of white as she drew her dark brown robe around herself.
“Jag.” She whispered, tears stinging her eyes, “Come back to me.”

Snow is on the ground
Winters come
You long to hear my voice
But I’m long gone

Little Wonders

2008-09-05T04:41:00.000-07:00

He heard the other kids laughing at him again. He’d fallen and scraped his knee while doing the exercise Master Zekk had assigned. And it was an easy assignment! A simple course to resolve without using the Force.

But the boy had failed again and the other children were still laughing at him. He kept falling even when they were allowed to draw on the Force.

The boy hung his head and tried holding back tears. Did the other kids even know how much it hurt when they kept laughing at him? When they kept talking behind his back?
He knew he was clumsy but he didn’t want to be reminded of it over and over again.

With anger buried beneath his heart, he headed out of the gym, stomping his short legs as he went. The lesson wasn’t over yet but he didn’t care. If he’d stayed and listened to the other children whisper, he knew he would start to cry. And then the whispering would get even worse.

The outside air was cool and moist, tickling the scrape at his knee. He bent down to examine the small wound and was happy to see that it was hardly bleeding. It would be another scar but that was okay. Scars made him remember that he was training to be a Jedi. And even though he was a clumsy child, deep within he hoped that he would make a great Jedi like Master Zekk.

The boy sat down on a large boulder, bringing his small legs to his chest. He pulled his knees closer and sighed as he watched beautiful white clouds pass by overhead. He listened to wildlife around the jungle; there were birds chirping and insects singing in the grass. He felt the trees and the flowers as they grew, he felt smaller animals scurrying beneath the earth.

He was strong in the Force, even old Grand Master Skywalker had said so, but still he was clumsy and kept falling.

There was a rustling from behind and the boy thought one of the other kids had followed him. He hoped not. He wasn’t in the mood for a stupid argument and he knew he’d try to hit the person who dared make an unwanted remark.

But as the boy turned he was very surprised to see Master Zekk standing behind him. The tall Jedi was an imposing figure. His silver streaked black hair was braided into a ponytail hanging down his back, his green eyes almost glowing in the dim light of the day. And he didn’t look happy at all.

“Eedrah, what are you doing out here?” he asked as he came closer, kneeling beside the boy to get a better look at him.

Eedrah tried to hide his tears, tried looking away from the Master. He felt embarrassed. He shouldn’t be crying like a little girl! He was supposed to become a Jedi Knight and Jedi Knights never cried!

“I hurt myself.” He said in a low voice, wiping his eyes on the sleeve of his small robe, “They were making fun of me again.”

Master Zekk sighed as he straightened back to his full height, “Come on.” He said, reaching out his large hand for the boy to grasp, “Let’s go for a walk.”

Eedrah kept quiet as he walked along side the Jedi Master. He’d never really talked to Master Zekk before. He kept his gaze to the ground, taking notice of small pebbles and green growths along the way. The breeze around them picked up, rustling his short blond hair.

“You shouldn’t have just left, Eedrah.” Master Zekk suddenly said and although his words were chastising, his voice was very soft.

Eedrah wiped at his eyes again and nodded, “I’m sorry, Master Zekk.” He sniffled and clasped his small hands behind his back. He felt like a baby crying in front of the Master. Why couldn’t he just be like the other kids and be tough?

Master Zekk halted his steps and gazed down at Eedrah, the faintest trace of a smile on his face, “Are you alright?”

The question surprised the boy completely. He shrugged and nodded curtly, not wanting to seem weaker than he already felt. If the children already made fun of Eedrah for failing, what would Master Zekk think now that he’d seen him cry?

“Eedrah.” Master Zekk knelt before the young one and laid a large hand on Eedrah’s shoulder, “You needn’t be ashamed.” He sighed and crouched before the boy, “Tell me what happened.”

Eedrah sighed and shifted his blue gaze to the ground beneath his feet. He began to tell Master Zekk that the other children used every opportunity to make fun of him. Sometimes when he was good at certain things and when he was really, really proud of himself they would still find something to make him feel like a failure.

He sniffled again, “Why do they do that, Master Zekk? It’s mean.”
“I know, Eedrah.” Master Zekk smiled, “Some people are cruel but you must try to be above them.”

Eedrah wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his robe, “That’s what my Mom always says, too. That people fail, even the children who tease me. But I’m tired of always being last. I don’t want to fail anymore, Master Zekk.”

Master Zekk chuckled at this and Eedrah turned his attention to the older man. This wasn’t really a laughing matter and it irritated Eedrah that Master Zekk thought it was funny.

“I don’t think it’s funny.” The Jedi Master said, as if he had read Eedrah’s mind, “No one wants to fail, Eedrah. No one. But failure is a lesson each and every one of us must learn. Without failure you wouldn’t be able to appreciate success.”
Eedrah forced himself to look at the Jedi Master; he wasn’t convinced.

“Have you ever failed, Master Zekk?”

He sighed heavily and nodded once, his dark green eyes suddenly showing the tiniest bit of sadness. “Of course, Eedrah. I have failed and I have made mistakes.”
“But you’re a Jedi Master. Master’s don’t make mistakes.” Eedrah’s voice was laden with childish naiveté.

“Eedrah, I was once young like you are now. And the young tend to make mistakes in order to grow.” He huffed out a breath of air and shifted his gaze to the sky, “I was a frustrated child, Eedrah. I thought of myself to be worthless and when I met a few of my friends and got to see their lives up close, the feeling intensified and I became angry.”

Eedrah listened, captured by the Masters’ words, “After various events I finally met up with a man who promised me a better life. And I believed him because I had nothing left to lose.” Master Zekk sighed heavily, “I turned to the Dark Side of the Force, Eedrah. Although only for a short time that was one of my biggest mistakes.”

Eedrah’s eyes had widened considerably and he stared in shock. Master Zekk had gone to the Dark Side? The one Master he looked up to over all others had been a Dark Jedi? The boy could hardly believe it.

Master Zekk noted the boys’ reaction and let a mirthless smile cross his face, “So you see Eedrah, no one is safe from failure or mistakes. It is the way of life.”
Eedrah nodded slowly but said nothing more. It seemed he had trouble accepting that even the greatest of beings were not infallible.

“But you shouldn’t dwell on your mistakes, Eedrah. I wouldn’t be the man I am today if I kept questioning my actions instead of looking into the future.”

Eedrah looked aside and watched a colorful bird perched atop a small stone, chirping happily. He couldn’t help but wonder if animals had a sense of good and wrong, of failures and mistakes.

“How did you come back, Master Zekk?” he asked in a small voice.
“My friends helped me.”

Eedrah nodded and forced himself to look at the Jedi Master. He wondered if the Master had told any of the other children about his fall to the Dark Side. Eedrah was sure the other Masters knew.

“It really doesn’t matter, does it?” Eedrah suddenly asked, “It’s who you are today that’s important, isn’t it?”

Master Zekk smiled and nodded, “Exactly.”

Eedrah crossed his small arms over his chest and exhaled loudly, “I understand that everyone makes mistakes and all but – I want the other kids to stop teasing me, Master Zekk.”

Zekk got to his feet then and nodded, “I’ll tell you what; I’ll help you practice with the exercises after the lessons. I’m certain you’ll do better.”
Private lessons with Master Zekk? Eedrah smiled with elation, “Thank you, Master Zekk.” It took all his self control not to jump around in joy and hug the older man, “It would mean a lot to me.”

“All right. Now hurry back inside. The lesson isn’t over yet.”

Eedrah bowed slightly and turned on his heel, running back the way he’d walked with Master Zekk. He felt a lot better when he entered the gym and he ignored the stares the other children were giving him. He’d do better next time; he was certain of it.

Zekk watched the young boy as he ran down the path. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and smiled to himself. The mind of a child is truly a wondrous thing, he thought as he turned around and headed the opposite direction. He’d left one of the Jedi Knights in charge of the younglings as he’d headed out to see what was wrong with Eedrah. The boy had promising Force abilities and Zekk was certain he’d someday become a powerful Jedi Knight.

There was a sudden tingling at the nape of his neck and Zekk stopped, tilting his head to the side as he closed his eyes. He smiled then and drew in a breath, “I was wondering when you’d return.”

“You did well with the boy.”

Zekk eyed the shimmering blue form of his childhood friend, his heart aching that he could no longer hold her, “You were eaves-dropping?”

Jaina laughed, “Guilty as charged.”

“Why are you here?”

Jaina sighed and the smile on her face vanished, “I came to say good-bye, Zekk.”
Zekk cringed at the thought of losing her a second time. But he had known the time would come but he wasn’t ready for it. He didn’t believe he’d ever be ready for it. His heart pounded beneath his chest as Jaina smiled and he had to ask himself where the two of them would be, had she not died – had she listened to him and let her stubbornness be.

She stepped closer and raised a translucent arm. He could barely feel her touch but his hair stood on end and he closed his eyes, “I miss you, Jaina.”

A single tear pearled down Jaina’s shimmering cheek, “And I miss you, Zekk.” She let her hand drop and stepped back, “I know we’ll see each other again. In time.”

Zekk nodded and watched his love dissipate with a warm, swirling gust of wind. He took a shuddering breath as he realized she wouldn’t visit him any more. He was now truly alone, “I love you, Jaina.”

For a moment he thought he’d felt her touch on his cheek but he couldn’t have been sure. The feeling was gone almost immediately. But he hoped it was her answer; he hoped that after all these years, after all their ups and downs, Jaina still felt for him as in the beginning of their adventurous relationship.

“I love you.” He whispered again before slowly returning to the gym with a heavy heart. After all, he still had a lesson to teach.

I Shall Never Surrender

2008-09-05T04:37:00.000-07:00

A single small lamp was the only illumination within the large room, casting shadows along the dark red walls. Holo images of a world long forgotten lined the room, showing beautiful beaches and clear blue water, waves crashing against the shore and a magnificent moon lighting up the scenery.

The man sitting behind his desk saw these images every day but at long end he’d simply forgotten – forgotten his home, forgotten his life.

Kyp Durron smiled slightly. In his hands, he held a portable holo receiver and he cocked his head to the side when he recognized the person skulking about the premises.

“You’re certain she’s here?”

The tall man standing before him gave a curt nod, “Yes, Mylord.”

Kyp pursed his lips while pushing away from the desk and getting to his feet. He walked a few steps towards the tall, oval windows from which he could look out to a vast, green landscape surrounding his home. During the day when the sun shone to light up his personal garden, he would watch as the smallest of animal life dwelled amongst the beautiful high trees and colorful flowers growing around a crystal fountain.

He felt the purest of innocent life even now in the darkness.

Slowly Kyp ran a thumb across his chin, all the while feeling the other man’s sinister glare on his back. At times Kyp had asked himself if it had been wise to recruit Cain as a protector. Cain was a perfect fighter, eliminating his enemies only in close combat.

Cain stood with his hands clasped behind his back and Kyp knew he was wearing his weapon of choice. Silver claws attached to his right hand, the tips elongated and curved and as Kyp had witnessed often, a very deadly weapon.

“Should we intercept –“

Kyp held up a hand and Cain knew better than to talk further. “I’ll take care of it myself.”

He turned around and arched a dark brow wondering if Cain would reply. The younger man disliked it when Kyp ventured out alone – Cain was his protector and protect he would unless Kyp said otherwise.

Nevertheless, Cain held his peace, knowing it would do him no good to argue.
“As you wish, Mylord.” Cain said in a low tone. He bowed, locks of golden hair falling over his broad shoulders. Kyp watched as the younger man turned on his heel and left, the soft golden light of the lamp reflecting off his black armor.

Kyp sighed as he returned his gaze back to the gardens but then he smiled – he was very much looking forward to this next confrontation.

Jaina ducked behind a large, stonewall that rounded the compound Durron had erected as his new home. She shook her head at the thought, letting her backpack fall to the grassy ground with a slight thud.

Her gaze wandered upward while her fingers fumbled with the release of the pack. Recognizing a blue laser wire of sorts, she knew there was no way she would be able to jump over the wall without serious burns.

She blew out a breath to calm her rapidly beating heart. It had taken her years to summon up the courage to face Durron and now that she was so close, she was having second thoughts.

Remember what he did. Do not back down. You have nothing more to lose.
Closing her eyes for just a moment, she tried calling on the Force but even such a simple task seemed to be too difficult – her nerves were going haywire.

Ignoring her doubts, she thrust her hand into the backpack and extracted a small circular object. She attached it to the stonewall and punched a single button. There was an audible hum, and then a slight crackle. When she looked upwards towards the blue wire, a large part of it had vanished.

Inwardly she thanked Ghent for this little new toy.

She felt no presences anywhere near her entry point and without a further thought, she slung the pack over her shoulder and propelled herself upward by using what little Force energy she could muster and landed on the other side almost silently. Her boots touched soft, green grass and when she looked over the scene, she was honestly surprised.

To her Durron was a vile and evil person and it astonished her that the area around the huge mansion was so well tended and beautiful. Even through the darkness, she could see large trees that were not native to the planet; plants and bushes surrounding the stone wall she had just jumped over and there was even a small pond, the water reflecting the pale white moonlight.

Jaina took another deep breath and directed her dark gaze to the entrance of the compound. There were no guards and she then knew Durron had already detected her presence, no doubt already expecting her. A flight of marble stairs led into a long and grand corridor, lit by soft lights from the ceiling.

“This is your last chance to turn back.” She whispered to herself, one hand grabbing at the strap of her backpack.

However, she would not turn back. Not after what Durron had done to her – to her family. Moreover, she needed answers.

She was certain that one of them would die tonight. It was a feeling deep down inside of her – there would definitely be death to pay.

Taking another quivering breath, she set one foot on the first step leading into the corridor, the first step towards a very uncertain future.

Many years ago, Cain had painfully learned that it was unwise to disobey direct orders but tonight he did not care. He was not Force sensitive and he did not much care for the Jedi sorcery but as did the Jedi, Cain relied on his instincts and gut feelings. In addition, something was telling him to be near his Master tonight.
It was his mandate to protect, no matter the consequences. He would take the punishment without flinching; he would not turn his back when there was danger marching up the front steps of the mansion.

Cain watched from a balcony above, his brow furrowed. She seemed so small and fragile compared to the Master but he knew looks could deceive. The woman carried anger in her heart, that much was obvious and this anger – even hatred – was directed at Master Durron.

“Make sure she finds her way to the atrium.” His dark voice was low as he spoke, almost a whisper. The two men under his command nodded briefly before turning on their heels and leaving him alone to ponder on the woman’s sudden arrival.

The lights above her were cut off and she stopped. Standing amidst total darkness and complete quietness, she felt unsure what to do next. There was no doubt in her mind that Durron knew she’d come; she could almost feel his dark presence, she could almost feel amusement emanating from him that she’d conjured up the courage to face him.

Jaina swallowed a lump forming in her throat and briefly closed her eyes. She let thoughts of her father cross her mind; the typical roguish grin he had been famous for on his face and his dark eyes alight with mischief. Thankfully, her last memory of him was a happy one. He had been working on the Falcon, his face smeared with dark oil, his hair standing on end but he had been laughing and he had been smiling.

Then he had vanished. Jaina did not know if he was dead – she could not feel him the way she used to – or if he was still alive somewhere but she knew Durron had something to do with his disappearance. Han had wanted to talk to Kyp – father to son in a way – and Han had never returned.

Jaina took slow breaths to hold her tears at bay. First Anakin had died, after the war Jacen had just left, and no one had heard from him since. Now Han had disappeared. And Luke…

Jaina swallowed again and thought about her mother. Leia was devastated, having lost her family in such a short time. She hardly talked anymore, seemingly trapped in her own mind, not wanting to break free.

The woman Jaina had known as her mother was no more.

She opened her eyes and noticed a light source from somewhere further down the corridor. Taking one slow step at a time she recognized a large, intricately carved door ajar. Reaching out with her senses she made sure there was no one waiting for her as she passed through.

Another corridor, with gleaming, dark brown pillars lining the walkway, led into a large room that was encompassed by glass. She looked up into a clear black sky, twinkling stars and a bright, white moon. All along the open room, the same shiny pillars lined the walls, similar to the corridor behind her. She felt a light breeze touch her skin and she shivered – not from the cold but from the distinct feeling that someone was watching her.

“Have you come to kill me?”

Jaina snapped her head around, taking a few steps back. Kyp stood behind her, his hands stashed in the pockets of his slacks, a small yet wicked smile on his handsome features. His long hair was held together in a braid, lying over his shoulder and the look in his black eyes was almost feral.

She swallowed and held her back rigid, “I sure as hell didn’t come here to talk.” Slowly Jaina moved her hand towards the hilt of her lightsaber, snapping it off her belt and thumbing the blade to life.

Kyp closed his eyes and sighed melodramatically, taking a few steps towards her, “Are you sure about this, little girl? It would be a shame for you to get hurt. Or worse.”

Jaina let out a bitter laugh, “It’s not me who’s going to get hurt.”
The time has come and so have I…

For mere seconds Jaina stood still, gathering the Force around herself. Enveloping herself within its warm veil to give her the strength she needed to fulfill her mission. She jumped up, flipping over Kyp’s tall form as he came towards her, slashing her bluish blade downward to strike at his head.

But to her surprise, Kyp had summoned his blade from within the shadows and he blocked her attack with efficiency she had almost forgotten. The amethyst and blue blades clashed in a crackle of white light; Jaina recoiled inwardly as she got a closer look at the man’s dark eyes, remembering a time when the two of them had been friends, a time when she had almost felt more than friendship for her opponent.

He laughed at her, a deep ugly sound from the back of his throat, “Jaina, sweetheart, give it up. You’ll only get yourself hurt.”

His condescending tone angered her to the point that she could almost feel her blood boil. She lurched forward with a growl, slashing her blade sideways while pivoting to the right. Kyp kept blocking her every move not once moving to attack and she realized he was playing with her.

“I don’t know you anymore.” Jaina hissed between her teeth as he pushed her backwards with his saber – too easily.

Kyp did not answer but kept a patronizing smile in place. She felt so small in his presence, a feeling she did not want to deal with at that moment.

These few seconds of thoughts had made her lose her guard and she suddenly found herself flung halfway across the room, pinned against the wall with a painful crunch. Her lightsaber fell from her hand and she bit back a vile curse, instead staring at Kyp, who came towards her in a slow, arrogant gait. He switched off his lightsaber, clipping it to his belt.

“They shouldn’t have sent you.”

“No one sent me.” Jaina hissed between her teeth, trying her best to wriggle free of Kyp’s invisible hold. She was surprised he had grown so powerful over the years – being who she was she was a fair fighter and Force user but it seemed all her training failed her now.

Suddenly Kyp barked out a laugh, “How cute, Jaina. Have you come to avenge your uncle’s death?” He sighed and shook his head, coming closer, too close for Jaina’s taste, “You really shouldn’t have come. But I think Luke would be honored that you tried.”

I’ll laugh last cause you came to die…

Trying her best to clamp down on her rising anger, she took a deep breath and closed her eyes for just a moment. Pictures of her family, of her friendship with Kyp resurfaced and the sadness of all the change rushed into her with such a force that it made her shiver.

When she heard Kyp’s dark laugh, she opened her eyes and spat at him.

Almost leisurely Kyp reached up and wiped the spittle away with a finger, “Feisty, just the way I remember. I love a little fire in a woman.” Only inches away from her face, she felt his warm breath on her cheek and she squirmed beneath his Force hold.
“Do you want me to let you go, sweetheart?” he whispered , feigning innocence. He leaned toward her ear, his voice low, “You have a choice to make, Jaina. Either you join me or you die.”

“After everything you’ve done?” She hardly recognized her own voice – harsh, scratchy and dark. “Luke? Corran? Dad?!”

Kyp stepped back and rubbed his chin with his thumb, as if being thoughtful, “Luke was … very unexpected.” He shrugged then and his little smile returned, “Corran had it coming from day one. And Han’s not dead.”

Jaina narrowed her eyes, “I don’t believe you.”

“I care for him, Jaina. I would never kill him.” His cold laugh sent shivers down her spine. “He’s safe and that’s all you need to know.”

Anger getting the best of her, she screamed at him, her voice rising to an earsplitting pitch. With every ounce of power she had left, she pushed outward with the Force, not even halfway satisfied when she watched Kyp stagger back.
Kyp arched a dark brow and clapped his hands, “Wow, Jaina. You’ve grown stronger. Although not strong enough.”

“Let Dad go.”

“Is that why you’re here? To save Han?”

Jaina swallowed and tried her best to hide her tears. “He’s all I have left.”
In a small way, Jaina hoped to be able to reach the Kyp she’d gotten to know years ago. She hoped that somewhere deep down inside, he was still the nice and caring man he used to be, the man who’d loved her family as if it were his own.

“Heartbreaking, sweetheart.” Kyp said, one hand going up to grip his shirt right above his heart, “And I don’t care.”

The damage done, the pain subsides…

Jaina gathered the Force around herself, Kyp’s words digging into her heart, fueling her anger. She pushed at the invisible bonds as hard as she could and smiled slightly as one hand broke free. Calling on her lightsaber, Kyp dropped her and she landed on the marble floor with a thud.

“Let him go.” She lifted her blade in an attacking position, “If you don’t, I’ll kill you.”

Kyp laughed at her while clipping his blade from his belt, “I’d like to see you try.” He held up his blade as if to ward off any of her attacks, “So the answer is no.”

She charged him then but instead of using her blade to strike him, she kicked out with her leg, her foot connecting with his jaw. He regained his composure quickly, using the Force to push her backward as she slashed sideways towards his abdomen.

The fight went on with parrying and attacking, Jaina using her fists and legs and satisfied when she heard or felt a definite crunch. Jaina jumped upward, flipping over his head, wanting to strike him with her lightsaber when she suddenly felt herself flying to the ground uncontrollably. She landed with a loud thud, her body aching from various blows.

Kyp walked towards her and as Jaina readied for another attack, she felt his large hand around her neck. Lifting her off the floor as if she weighed nothing, he slammed her against one of the marble pillars. Her head rang and she had trouble keeping her eyes open.

“You still have a choice, Jaina. Join me. And you’ll be with your Father.”
“No.” she croaked between a split lip, “Never. I will fight you even if it means my death.”

I never kneel and I’ll never rest
You can tear the heart from my chest

“Have it your way, Jaina.”

I’ll make you see what I do best
I’ll succeed as you breathe your very last breath

He tightened his grip around her small neck and she reached up, trying to pry them free. Her dark eyes were clouded by fear and remorse, sadness and shame – and even sympathy.

“I… loved … you…” her voice was barely audible.
“Spare me the love talk.”

Raising his amethyst blade while watching her chocolate brown eyes, he plunged the lightsaber through her heart, watching as the life he’d known was drained from her body. He let her lifeless form fall to the ground.

“You should have said yes.” He whispered, crouching down and turning her around onto her back. Even in death, she was beautiful. She seemed at peace as if she were only sleeping – aside from the charred hole in her chest.

With a slight frown, he turned his head as he heard footsteps coming his way. “Cain.”
“Mylord.”

“You were here this whole time?”

Kyp didn’t need to turn around to know the man had nodded. “Get rid of the body.”
“Yes, Mylord.”

Kyp straightened and gave Jaina one last look. Cain came closer and bent down to retrieve her petite form and as he turned to leave, Kyp grabbed a hold of his shoulder, “Wait. A strand of her hair.”

Cain reached alongside Jaina’s head and cut off a dark strand of hair with the claws attached to his hand. He let the silky tresses fall into Kyp’s open palm.

“What’s this?” Mara Jade Skywalker asked as her son threw a small package onto the table. The remaining Jedi Knights and Masters gave the young boy a peculiar look.
Ben shrugged, “I don’t know. It just arrived.”

“Have you heard from Jaina?” Zekk spoke up, leaning against the wall with his arms folded across his chest.

Ben swallowed and shook his head, his blue eyes betraying the worry he felt for his cousin. “I can’t feel here, Zekk. She cut herself off from the Force when she left.”
The older man nodded once, “I know.” He returned his attention back to the outside world.

“She might still be alright.” Tahiri said in a low voice although it seemed she didn’t believe it herself.

“It was stupid of her to leave on her own and that’s the truth of it.” Mara piped in while getting to her feet to open the small package.

She ripped it open with a small tug and then stepped back with a short gasp.
Within it lay a curl of Jaina Solo’s hair.

Finis

Once I Got Lost In My Own House

2008-09-05T04:36:00.000-07:00

Once I got lost in my own house. I was frightened to such an extent that my entire body shook with every wavering step I took. I kept looking around for a light to guide me to the outside, but there was only palpable darkness that was left for me to grasp.

My feet thudded along worn out splintering wooden floorboards as I reached out in hope to find a wall to guide myself through whatever room I was in. But it seemed it was a futile endeavor – I walked and walked and walked and never did I reach something solid to hold on to. There was only darkness and an unending emptiness.

I stopped and took a shuddering breath, my arms hanging at my sides as my inner fear grew, as hope seemed to flit away never to return. I turned around, knowing my eyes were open wide but I saw nothing. I heard nothing. There was nothing.

Trying to control growing anxiety I closed my eyes and reached out to the Force with all my senses, drawing the energy of all life towards me, letting it envelope me like a warm blanket that would block out all my fears.

But the moment I touched the Force I felt a ripple within the darkness around me and suddenly I did see something. I couldn’t place it but for a moment I thought some thing had extracted itself from the dark cloth that was beginning to choke me – the air grew thicker, warmer.

I forced myself to walk on, all the while feeling this darkness following me. It held my pace as I quickened my steps until I started to run as fast as I could. In the back of my mind I wondered how long it would take until I ran up against a wall within this old, cold house but nothing happened. I just kept running until my legs burned from exertion, until my breath came in ragged gasps and my lungs were aflame with red hot fire.

I leaned over, placing my hands on my knees to catch my breath. The darkness had stopped as if waiting for me to go on. I thought I heard it laugh, I thought I heard it snicker behind my back, taunting me for being weak, making fun of me for giving up.

I had given up long ago. So long ago I could hardly remember. But the darkness knew me – it knew my past, it new my present and it knew my future. The darkness knew me completely – better than even I knew myself.

And so it laughed, a silent chuckling at first, growing louder until the wretched sound boomed through my head.

I slapped my hands to me ears, using the Force to try and dampen the laugh but nothing worked. It grew louder and louder until I fell to my knees in pain and screamed at the top of my lungs for everything to stop. I wanted the darkness to stop laughing; I wanted this never ending house to show me to the door to the outside. To my freedom.

But there was only the sound of laughter, a deep drawling sound that suddenly shook the walls. The floorboards beneath my knees shuddered, I felt dust and grim trickle down from above as the entire house shook with such force, and it felt like it would collapse in on itself. The shaking and quaking went on for long minutes until suddenly I glimpsed a small beam of beautiful white light. And the laughing ceased.

I got back to my feet and stared at the white light coming from a few meters in front of me. As if it came through a whole, it grew wider – I could have stepped through without having to duck. But where would it lead me? Would I finally be free of this ongoing maze of torturing darkness? Of hopelessness and grief, failure and contempt?

I took my first step towards the beautiful white light, feeling its sudden warmth seep through my skin, through muscle and bone. But as I walked on, the darkness followed. It seemed it didn’t care about the light, it stuck to me so and it kept my pace. A dark cloud looming behind me, watching my every move.

Long minutes passed by until I finally reached what looked like a large whole ripped into the fabric of the darkness. Without another thought I stepped through and suddenly found myself standing on a grassy slope, wind howling around me, twirling leaves and debris in the air.

I was confused. The opening had disappeared but the darkness had followed me. Now standing below a beautiful yellow sun I could see the darkness as a being. To my eyes it seemed blurry and for a moment I thought I saw a man. The darkness chuckled once more and I decided to ignore it for the time being.

I was out of the house. But I had no idea where I was now.

I kept walking up the slope, watching as colorful birds flew by overhead, as puffy white clouds were moved by the fierce wind. I drew my robes around me tightly as my legs kept walking to no particular destination. Wherever this place was, it was very beautiful.

Then I heard laughter again. I felt fear well itself up inside me but after a moment I realized it was not the laughter of darkness. It was the laughter of an innocent child, a sweet sound coming from nearby.

I hurried my steps, my boots crunching on the soft green grass. I caught sight of a little boy running around a large tree, its leaves dancing with the wind. The boy glanced up and laughed again, the sound warming my heart. Something felt eerily familiar about this scene and when I got closer, I felt like my heart would jump through my chest.

I saw my mother leaning against the large tree, smiling at the boy as she talked with him. And then I remembered. I remembered my mother telling me grand stories of the Jedi as warriors. I remembered my mother telling me about my father, about my grandfather and my uncles – a long line of Jedi Knights throughout history.

I was seeing myself as a child.

And then the darkness laughed again. It chilled me from within as I glanced around – the darkness hovered in front of me and again I thought I saw the shape of a man. The laugh grew louder within my head but this time I could hear whispering words as well.

You’ve failed your family. You are the only one.

I stumbled backwards at the words and shook my head, “No.”

The darkness laughed again, the sound growing louder, piercing at the back of my eyes. And suddenly the beautiful plateau of green grass vanished and I saw the war.

The Yuuzhan-Vong war in which so many had lost their lives. Including my father. I was so young when he died and throughout the years I caught myself wondering if I would have led my own life differently if he would have survived. He had been an honorable man, my mother used to say. And he’d given his life freely to help those who needed his help. He was the man I so longed to be.

I closed my eyes as screams of anguished crashed into my mind. I tried dampening the voices with the Force but still they were there, still I felt them die. I was standing on a field of the dead. Yuuzhan Vong warriors trailed the premises, their hideous amphistaffs wrapped around their tattooed wrists. They spoke in their guttural language and I felt shivers run through me.

“Why am I here?” I whispered as I watched one of the warriors straighten to his full height, the amphistaff uncoiling from his arm. With a swift stroke the warrior had pierced a body lying at his feet. But the being was already dead. I could feel it, I could see it. And still the warrior went on, piercing the dead again and again. I could hardly watch.

You can change this.

“This is history.” I whispered, “No one can change history.”

You’re father changed history.

“My father is dead.” I said with a stern voice. I hated being reminded of my father, I hated being compared to him. I am not my father, nor will I ever be.

The darkness laughed and I closed my eyes, my jaw clenched. “Stop this.”

Why?

It laughed, taunting me as it swirled above my head. I heard the crunching and oozing sound of the staffs penetrating soft flesh, I heard the light laughter of darkness around me. I heard my ragged breath, my beating heart as fear tried to grip me from within.

“Stop this!” I bellowed, the laughter growing louder.

Why?

I felt a sudden tug and I was thrown to the ground. My breath shot out in a huff and I realized I was somewhere else entirely. The smell of scorched flesh was no more, I couldn’t hear the Yuuzhan Vong anymore – there was peace. So I thought.

I took a long look around and found myself on a graveyard. With a sickening feeling in my stomach I got to my feet slowly, a large grey tomb suddenly catching my eye.

The darkness was behind me and when I whirled around I frowned. There was definitely a man behind the darkness but I couldn’t recognize him. But he seemed familiar, even that cold laugh he emitted yet again.

Take a long look.

And I did. And I fell to my knees.

I was kneeling before my own tomb, a large grey and silver slab of rock, decorated only with golden letters that spelled out my name. And the day of my death.

I swallowed the lump that was forming in my throat and shook my head, “This can’t be.”

You are the only one.

“I am the only one what?” I spat as I got to my feet and whirled around. But the darkness was gone suddenly and I shouted out, “What the hell is this?”

You are the only one of the family to turn dark.

I stepped back at the remark but said nothing. Yes, I had turned to the dark side. It was the one failure I wished to undo with all my heart.

You’re father would be so very proud of you.

The mocking tone of voice brought me to the peak of fear and anger and I shouted, I yelled. I unclipped my lightsaber from my belt, thumbing on the golden blade. Without giving it more than one thought, I lashed out at the tombstone, slicing the rock in two halves.

And then everything was gone. And I found myself back in the cold, old house with splintered floorboards. A small lamp was lit and the darkness that had followed me everywhere sat in an old armchair, its leg crossing the knee and it smiled at me.

And I recognized the darkness to be me.

I was staring into my own face – I was staring into the darkness.

“This can’t be.”

It laughed and slowly got to its feet, “But it is. You are me and I am you.”

“No!”

It came nearer and circled me, all the while keeping its arms crossed in front of its chest, “You must face that we are both the same person. If you do not you will die.”

“No. I will never return to the dark.”

It stopped behind me and I turned around, backing up a step as I gazed into its golden eyes, flecked with red.

“You don’t have to return to the dark.” It said with a soft voice, “But you mustn’t run away. You will die if you do not face me.”

“I will not –“

“You will die.”

I heard another voice then, a soft voice laced with worry, calling to me. It took me a moment to realize it was the voice of my wife and I frowned. She wasn’t with me. Where was the voice coming from?

“You have to make a choice.” The darkness with my face said, standing in front of me, “The time is now. Face me or die.”

“I will not die.”

I heard my wife’s voice yet again and I could have sworn I felt her light touch on my face.

“Then embrace me.” The darkness said and I stepped away in shock.

“No! Never!”

“Do you not understand?” the darkness shouted coming closer, “Do you want to die? Do you want to become one with the Force like your father? Do you want to leave your wife and son behind?” The darkness smiled a thin evil smile, “Do you want your son to become what you are today? A broken man without hope?”

I shook my head adamantly and swallowed. I heard my wife’s soft voice beckoning me to return to her.

“Then embrace me. Embrace the darkness. Know that the darkness is within you as well as the light. You and I are one.”

I couldn’t do it. I could never return to the darkness that had almost destroyed everything I had ever lived for. But I heard my wife sob for me, I heard my son shouting my name. I couldn’t leave them behind like my father had left me.

“Embrace me.” The darkness said yet again.

Tears of fear welled up in my eyes and I clenched my jaw shut. My family was waiting for me – I had no choice.

I spread my arms and took two steps forward, embracing the darkness with my face, pulling it firmly against my body. There was a feeling as if the two of us were merging into one being.

The house around me began to quake again, dust and grime falling from the ceiling above. There was a sudden flash of blinding white light and then a clear and silent nothingness.

“He’s awake!” I heard someone say and then I felt warm fingers caress my face, warm lips pressing against mine.

“You’ve come back to me.”

My wife.

I opened my eyes and blinked a few times before I could focus on her beautiful features. I had come back, yes. I had embraced the dark side of me, I had become one with it. Would I be able to fight it if it ever arose? I didn’t know and still I do not.

Once I got lost in my own house. Once I got lost in my own mind.